Ask a Mexican

Gustavo Arellano

• Publisher: Scribner
• Year: 2007
• Print ISBN: 9781416540038
• eBook ISBN: 9781416562061
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Ethnic Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

From award-winning columnist and favorite talking head Gustavo Arellano, comes this explosive, irreverent, smart, and hilarious Los Angeles Times bestseller.

¡Ask a Mexican! is a collection of questions and answers from Gustavo Arellano that explore the clichés of lowriders, busboys, and housekeepers; drunks and scoundrels; heroes and celebrities; and most important, millions upon millions of law-abiding, patriotic American citizens and their illegal-immigrant cousins who represent some $600 billion in economic power.

At a strong eighteen percent of the U.S. population, Latinos have become America's largest minority—and Mexicans make up a large part of that number. Gustavo confronts the bogeymen of racism, xenophobia, and ignorance prompted by such demographic changes through answering questions put to him by readers of his ¡Ask a Mexican! column in California's OC Weekly. He challenges readers to find a more entertaining way to understand Mexican culture that doesn't involve a taco-and-enchilada combo.

From lighter topics like Latin pop and great Mexican food to more serious issues like immigration and race relations, ¡Ask a Mexican! ​runs the gamut. Why do Mexicans call white people gringos? Are all Mexicans Catholic? What's the best tequila? Gustavo answers a wide range of legitimate and illegitimate questions, in the hopes of making a few readers angry, making most of us laugh, sparking a greater dialogue, and enhancing cross-cultural understanding.

1

Language

Curse Words, Greasers,
and Lecherous Whistles

Dear Gabachos: Bienvenidos to ¡Ask a Mexican!, the world’s foremost authority on America’s spiciest minority! The Mexican can answer any and every question on his race, from why Mexicans stick the Virgin of Guadalupe everywhere to our obsession with tacos and green cards. In the course of his answers, the Mexican will use certain terms and phrases for better-rounded answers. Here are the most used, along with handy Spanglish sentence examples so you too can become a Mexican. A wright, cabrones: laugh and comprende!

¡: An upside-down exclamation point. Put in front of an exclamatory sentence. ¡Ohmidios, José brought his leaf blower into the living room!

¿: An upside-down question mark. Put in front of a question. ¿Who gave María my old dress?

˜: A tilde. Put over the letter n from time to time to produce a sound like “nyuck.” Candelario sure has a lot of niños.

Aztlán: The mythical birthplace of the Aztecs. Chicanos use this term to describe the southwest United States. Chicanos are idiots. Citlali says Aztlán is somewhere in Ohio.

Baboso: A slug or drooling person. Can also mean “asshole” or “idiot,” depending on context. Don’t be a baboso to your baboso son, Josefina.

Burrito: A flour tortilla wrapped around various goodies. Also a slur used against Mexicans. That burrito ate a big burrito last night.

Cabrón: Literally, a castrated goat. Mexicans understand it better as “asshole,” or badass.

Chica caliente: Hot chick. All Mexican ladies are chicas calientes. ¿Where can I meet some chicas calientes?

Chicano: The poorer, stupider, more assimilated cousins of Mexicans. Otherwise known as a Mexican-American. George López is such a Chicano with his unfunny jokes.

Chingar: To fuck up. Its various derivatives are used for a delightful array of insults, such as chingadera (fucked-up situation), chingazos (punches thrown), and Chinga tu madre, cabrón (Go fuck your mother, asshole). Chinga tu madre, cabrón—if you don’t stop this chingadera, I’m going to chingar you with chingazos.

Chino: Literally “Chinese,” but the catchall phrase Mexicans use for Asians regardless of nationality. Vietnamese food is my favorite chino cuisine.

Chúntaro: A Mexican redneck. Term used mostly by Mexicans against each other. Jeff Foxworthy is a white chúntaro.

Cinco de Mayo: Holiday celebrating an obscure battle between the French and Mexicans in the 1860s that everyone in the United States uses as an excuse to get plastered. Our St. Patrick’s Day.

Cochinadas: Disgusting things. Derived from the word cochino, which means “pig.” ¡Stop seeing those Playboy cochinadas!

Conquest, the: Refers to the Spanish conquest of the Americas during the 1500s. Centuries later, Mexicans still can’t get over it—but having about 100 million of your ancestors slaughtered will do that to you.

¡Cu-le-ro!: The Bronx cheer of Mexico. Means “Asshole!”

Culo: Every Mexican man’s obsession.

Estados Unidos, Los: “The United States” in Spanish. Come on—that one’s not that difficult to decipher, ¿qué no?

Familia: Guess. You’re right: family! If you believe the mainstream media, the most important thing in Mexican culture after tequila.

Frontera, la: The border—specifically, the United States–Mexico border. ¿Why are there so many geezers at la frontera? Because they’re Minutemen.

Gabacho: A gringo. But Mexicans don’t call gringos gringos. Only gringos call gringos gringos. Mexicans call gringos gabachos.

Gringo: Mexican slang for a white American. What gringos call gringos.

Guatemalan: The Germans had the Irish; the Irish had the Italians; the Italians had the Poles. Mexicans have the Guatemalans—our eternal punch line.

Güey: Derived from buey—an ox—but means “ass,” as in a hoofed ass, not an ass ass. That asshole is a güey.

Hombre: Mexico’s undisputed rulers.

Joto: Faggot. A preferred male slur.

Madre: Means “mother,” but is also one of the most vulgar words in Mexican Spanish. In its various forms, can mean anything from “kick your ass” (madrear) to “suck my dick” (mamámela).

Malinche: The name of the Indian woman who served as a translator for the Spaniards as they slaughtered their way to the Aztecs during the Conquest. Mexicans turn her name into a noun, malinchista— that’s a synonym for traitor. Typical Mexico—blames everything on women.

Mami: The diminutive of “mother,” but also a sexual term of endearment for one’s girlfriend. Ay, mami, give me some of that sweet culo.

MEChA: Acronym for Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano de Aztlán (Chicano Student Movement of Aztlán), a high school and college group that helps Mexican kids get to and stay in college. And that’s why conservatives slur this group and all its members like no organization since the Scientologists.

Mensa: Name of an organization for people with an IQ in the upper 2 percent of the general population. Also the feminine form of “dumb” in Spanish. Mensa members can’t be that smart given the snafu, no?

Mexicanidad: Mexican-ness. Ridiculous translation for a ridiculous concept.

Mexicano: The greatest race of people in the world—when they’re in the United States. In Mexico, they’re just Mexicans.

México: Country directly south of the United States with an estimated population of 105 million. America’s eternal Paris Hilton.

Migra, la: Nickname for immigration agents. The brownshirts of Mexican society.

Mujer: Mexican worker whose only purpose is to make sure fresh tortillas greet the familia daily.

Naco: Mexico City slang for a chúntaro.

Norte, El: The North. The United States.

Otro lado, el: The other side. Otherwise known as the United States.

Papi: The diminutive of “father,” but also a sexual term of endearment for one’s boyfriend. Ay, papi, give me your sweet green card.

Pendejo: Literally, a pubic hair. Means “asshole” in Mexican Spanish. So many synonyms for asshole, Mexican Spanish has! That pendejo should shave his pendejos.

Piñata: A toy that Mexicans beat so it will spill forth its goodies. Otherwise known as the United States.

Pinche: A short-order cook. Also an adjective meaning “fucking.” Give me a pinche break.

Pinche puto pendejo baboso: Literally means “fucking faggot pubic hair slug,” but understood by Mexicans as “fucking stupid-ass asshole.” The best Mexican cursing c...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Colophon
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Epigraph
• INTRODUCTION
• 1. LANGUAGE CURSE WORDS, GREASERS, AND LECHEROUS WHISTLES
• 2. CULTURA CHICKENS, DWARVES, AND THE SOCCER-OSAMA CONNECTION
• 3. SEXO DIRTY SÁNCHEZ, JUANGAS, AND INDOMITABLE SPERM
• 4. INMIGRACIÓN MORE, MORE, AND MORE
• 5. MUSIC MORRISSEY, MELODICAS, AND AY YI YI YIS
• 6. FOOD TAMALES, HOT SAUCE, AND TESTICULAR AVOCADOS
• 7. ETHNIC RELATIONS CHINITOS, NEGRITOS,GABACHOS, AND WABS
• 8. FASHION FAKE BLONDES, MUSTACHES, AND SWIMMING WITH JEANS
• 9. WORK ORANGES, DAY LABORERS, AND LAZY KENTUCKIANS
• ACKNOWLEDGMENTS