The Chicktionary

From A-line to Z-snap, the words every woman should know

Anna Lefler

• Publisher: Adams Media
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9781440529849
• eBook ISBN: 9781440531224

You're all over the definitions of "low lights," "ruching," and a "tankini." But can you spot a "Mrs. Potato Head" when you see one?

That's where The Chicktionary comes in. With the help of Anna Lefler and her collection of 450+ must-know words and phrases, you'll be in the know when faced with terms like Aberzombie, Bandeau, George Glass, and Puma.

So whether you are dealing with a Residual Girlfriend, diagnose yourself with a bad case of Basset Knees, or need to go on a Briet, you'll be prepared for all that comes your way. At the very least, this book will serve as a delightful reminder that everyone has a skeleton in her closet--right next to her fat pants.

B

Baby Bump, noun

Also known simply as “bump,” this term refers to a woman’s visible pregnancy bulge. A common term among tabloid reporters and paparazzi, baby bump is used most often in reference to celebrities. Examples of this use include, “Grammy-winner Alicia Keys showed off her baby bump in a beaded, Empire-waisted sheath,” and “Paris Hilton’s alleged baby bump was revealed to be nothing more than the aftermath of a Super Burrito.” Although a campaign was launched recently to take the focus off of women’s tummies and redirect scrutiny to male celebrities’ midsections, the terms “beer bump” and “bratwurst bump” have yet to catch on.

Baby Shower, noun

A ritualized gathering during which a pregnant woman is given gifts while being closely scrutinized by female friends and acquaintances. May involve “games” (see also: hazing) and, for everyone’s safety, had better involve food and drink. Baby shower guests instinctively group into two herds: those who have had a baby and those who have not. Within the herd of existing mothers, you can expect a palpable tension to emerge as the women who favor natural childbirth square off against those who prefer the use of pain-blocking methods such as the epidural. A skilled hostess will monitor the rising aggression levels in both herds as guests’ various emotional issues emerge and, just as the shower is approaching flash point, will discharge the tension with the words, “Cake time!”

Bachelor Party, noun

A ritualistic gathering held in advance of a wedding during which the groom-to-be is celebrated and the honor of his future wife is upheld through all manner of drink, dance, and general revelry. The bachelor party is traditionally an all-male event with the single exception of the female exotic dancer hired by the best man to perform. Without fail, the male partygoers become charmed by this young med student and soon lose interest in her performance, forming a protective circle of chairs around her and spending the balance of the evening either helping her prepare for her upcoming midterms or taking turns reading aloud from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

Bachelorette Party, noun

A spectacularly tasteless night of public debauchery prior to a wedding during which the bride-to-be is accompanied about town by her friends, maid of honor, and bridesmaids as she absorbs as much alcohol as she can possibly hold while aggressively pursuing intercourse with as many strange men as she can find. In keeping with time-honored tradition, the night’s celebration is marked by rampant vulgarity, spontaneous nudity, and copious puking, preferably on the street or out the sunroof of a moving limousine. Also, everyone talks about how awesome the groom is.

Back Fat, noun

First documented and named by bridal pioneers in the early nineties, back fat is an insidious layer of poofy flab that can be found oozing across the backs and lower shoulders of most adult women. Extremely difficult to camouflage even in its least-advanced stages, back fat becomes corralled into drifts in the presence of bra straps and other constrictions, resulting in an archipelago of unattractive lumps that are visible under even the most reinforced knitwear.

Back Hair, noun

Back hair presents yet another set of axes along which women as a population can be divided. For instance, there is the group of women who would never consider being with a man who has a hairy back. Then there is the group who would consider it, but only on the condition that the man address the condition via regular, professional waxing. Further, there are those women who do not care for back hair, but worry about hurting the man’s feelings by mentioning their preference. Lastly, there are the women who actively seek out men with hairy backs.

Fun You could fit this last group into a pup tent.

Backrub, noun

1. A soothing, therapeutic massage of the shoulders and/or back that is ideally administered by a trained professional, but can also be quite pleasurable when given by a sincere, motivated amateur (preferably neither an employee of yours nor the person who signs your paycheck). 2. When placed in quotation marks, “backrub” takes on a different shade of meaning, namely an excuse for a man to apply his hands to you in the hopes that his skillful caress will work you into such a lather of desire that he’ll soon be penning one of those Penthouse Forum letters.

Bag Hag, noun

More flatteringly known as a “purse enthusiast,” the bag hag is a woman who tirelessly and annoyingly pursues a state of perfect handbag self-actualization through aggressive acquisition of every “it bag” that comes on the market. A willing slave to the whims of designer supply-and-demand, the bag hag happily announces that her man Silvio at Barneys just bumped her up on the wait list for the new Balenciaga. In contrast, a self-proclaimed bag hag is simply a woman who loves purses, but knows her limitations and is satisfied to worship the objects of her affection from afar.

Baked a Cake on Your Face, phrase

This phrase is a clever and accurate description of the condition in which, at a certain point during the day, your makeup combines with your face’s natural oils and creates an undesirable sheen that looks remarkably like the residue left behind when you remove a freshly baked cake layer from its pan. Although no amount of flour applied prior to makeup application will prevent the so-called “cake-face effect” if a woman’s skin is predisposed to it, recent advancements in oil-absorption technology (see also: blotting sheets) reduce this unwanted pastry shine to a soft, sugar-free glow.

BAM!, exclamation

Popularized by television chef Emeril Lagasse, this extremely versatile expression can mean anything from “Wow!” to “Fabulous!” to “That’s right!” to “Sniff it, loser!” Not to be confused with the graphic sound effect seen on the classic Batman television series starring Adam West, today’s BAM! carries a broader range of meanings. Note these contrasting examples: “You should have seen Juanita at last night’s party’she was head-to-toe BAM!” versus “Here comes the boss and Jerome still isn’t at his desk. BAM!”

Banana Hammock, noun

Outside the world of competitive swimming (and Europe), most women just don’t know what to do with a man who voluntarily goes out in public in a tiny little Speedo-style swimsuit. To deal with this discomfort, we make up nicknames for the suit. Like seal-a-meal. And grape smuggler. It’s not meant maliciously, honest. On the contrary, we give men a lot of credit for having the balls (which we can totally see, by the way) to wear the revealing swimsuit instead of the safer baggy surf trunks. We admit that we might be a tad envious of the fact that men aren’t expected to undergo the extensive and harrowing hair-removal processes that we do in order to be considered “swimsuit-ready” (see also: Brazilian wax). Nor, if the local beaches and community pools are providing accurate data, is there an apparent fitness requirement.

Bandeau, noun

From the French word meaning “there’s no way that’s staying up,” this is a type of woman’s top that consists of a strip of fabric encircling the chest at breast level and remaining aloft through snugness and prayers. Most often seen as the upper portion of a women’s two-piece swimsuit, the bandeau top’s unique squishing-flattening action gives it the ability to make even the perkiest, most voluptuous bustline look like a tube sock full of wet sand. A bonus feature of the bandeau is its ability to shift from a top to a sassy belt when it interacts with even the slightest amount of pool or ocean water.

Bangs, noun

An enigmatic fringe of hair that hangs from the top of the face and whose sole purpose is to remind you how much you love either the hairstyle you used to have or the hairstyle you will have once your frickin’ bangs grow out. Bangs are available in four lengths: 1) too short, 2) too long, 3) awkward, and 4) in your eyes like tiny knives. Much like donating an organ or changing your will, the decision to cut bangs is generally acknowledged as one that should be acted upon only after a period of deep introspection and personal reflection, as well as consultation with clergy and/or a professional hairstylist’one whom you generously tipped on your last salon visit.

Basset Knees, noun

A heartbreaking condition in which one’s knees exhibit multiple wrinkles and a general bagginess that serves to draw the observer’s eye away from your cute outfit, smart shoes, and kicky handbag in a manner that is most damning to your mojo. Named for the layers of thick wrinkles that are the hallmark of the adorable basset breed, basset knees are, interestingly, the opposite of adorable. Stubborn in the extreme, basset knees are resistant to nutritional and physical fitness regimens of all kinds, often holding out to be the very last features on your body to become toned. In fact, a West Virginia woman was once exhumed in order to settle a legal matter and investigators were shocked to find the coffin empty with the exception of a pair of basset knees, which family members later identified as belonging to the woman in question.

Bat Wings, noun

Undulating curtains of flab that hang from the underside of your arms between the elbows and the armpits. The appearance of bat wings can be a startling occurrence during a routine activity, such as reaching to adjust your rearview mirror and discovering that you look like a flying squirrel frantically leaping from one treetop to the next. Notoriously stealthy, bat wings can strike at any time and in any age group. As they are naturally unyielding when confronted with traditional exercise and other toning and firming methods, their only effective treatment remains the application of sleeves. Long ones.

Beach Hair, noun

The coastal equivalent of bed head, beach hair is another of those mythical hair arrangements that strives to look spontaneous, but in fact requires a team of scalp wranglers and a bucket full of specialized products to achieve. The term “soft waves” occurs repeatedly in discussions on the topic of beach hair, as do sexy words like “tousled” and “wild.” These are in stark contrast to the words we use to describe our hair after a day at the beach’words like “matted” and “bent.” Perhaps we’re going to the wrong beach, because after a day of getting bashed by waves, rubbing sunscreen in our eyes, and flicking wet sand out of our butt seams, our appearance is less suited to cocktails and smooth jazz at Ken’s Malibu beach house than to being airlifted out by the Coast Guard.

Beauty Mark, noun

A petite mole that is considered a desirable visual enhancement (most often on females) if ideally placed on the face, neck, shoulder, or breast. The ability of the well-placed beauty mark to draw positive attention to one’s attributes is sometimes duplicated by the use of artificial beauty marks in the form of stick-on shapes or dots that are applied with dark eyeliner or other cosmetics. It’s worth noting that not just any natural mole will cut it as a beauty mark. Unfortunate placement, troubling protuberance, overly sufficient acreage, or general wooliness take the mole out of the category of beauty mark and place it instead in the category of things you should have checked by your dermatologist.

Bedazzler, noun

An ingenious device that attaches metal studs and rhinestones to anything you can wrangle between its jaws. Driven to household-name status by its catchy television ads, this crafts item unleashed a kaleidoscope of custom-embellished T-shirts, jackets, and tote bags when it was introduced to consumers in the seventies. Since then, literally millions of T-shirts have been returned to their rightful owners, thanks to their names being spelled out in sparkles across the front.

Bed Head, noun

1. A studied, highly manipulated hairstyle that seeks to mimic how you imagine your hair would look if you’d spent the night having hot, high-def sex with a starlet/young gun, then rolled out of the thousand-thread-count sack just in time to effortlessly throw on your vintage motorcycle jacket before heading to the impossibly quaint farmer’s market where you thoughtfully finger the produce while radiating hot, high-def sex. 2. The misshapen crime scene that greets you from the top of your head each and every morning and which has the capacity to frighten both children and livestock.

Ben Wa Balls, noun

In use among a variety of cultures for centuries, Ben Wa balls and the like are instruments of female sexual arousal as well as tools used to help increase the strength of the vaginal muscles. The balls can be made of a variety of materials and hollow models can contain smaller spheres or even chimes. (Was that the doorbell?) The balls are inserted into the vagina (the anus is another option when seeking erotic stimulation), where they remain until removed using an optional retrieval cord or are coughed or sneezed out. For erotic stimulation, a gentle rocking motion is recommended, although Mr. Wa has reportedly received complaints that the balls’ effect is too subtle to be felt. For conditioning of the vaginal muscles, the balls are held inside the vagina with a clenching motion, taking the definition of “private training” to its extreme.

Bestie, noun

An adorable name for a best friend, notably a current best friend. A woman may have multiple besties, such as a work bestie, school bestie, etc. The bestie relationship is slightly more casual than the best friend relationship and is at least a level below your best friend for life (see also: biffle) on the official friend hierarchy. It’s worth noting that the female friendship hierarchy is a fluid construct that is highly sensitive to subtle shifts in tone and circumstance as well as the spontaneous creation of new levels and names thereof. That being said, this is what bestie means. At least for today.

Beta Baby, noun

The heavily scrutinized first child born into a circle of female friends. The beta baby provokes a spectrum of reactions among group members, ranging from fascination and affection to annoyance and naked envy, depending on the friend’s current marital and/or relationship status and the degree to which the beta baby disrupts the group. Although scientists work to pioneer methods for testing the resilience of the female friendship dynamic, it is unlikely that a more effective instrument than the beta baby will ever be developed.

Bias Cut, adjective

This term describes a garment’typically a longer skirt or dress’that is made on the diagonal, maximizing the stretch and drape of the fabric. Used to the greatest effect on lightweight materials, the technique of cutting on the bias creates a slight elasticity that maximizes the fabric’s ability to hug the body and accentuate its curves.

Fun fact The bias cut technique also creates a garment that will cling to every bulge, pooch, (see also: pooch), ripple, dimple, and pucker on your figure, thus broadcasting all your issues to the world at large.

Biffle, noun

Variation of BFFL, or best friend for life. Your biffle is your homegirl, your wingwoman (see also: wingwoman), the top of the female friendship hierarchy’and you are the same for her. Your biffle knows where you hide your spare key, the home address of the guy who landed you in the women’s clinic with those nasty red bumps, and the real story behind that thing that happened that time at the cabin. Not even your kryptonite guy (see also: kryptonite guy) can destabilize the bond you share with your biffle.

Bikini, noun

Invented by a French engineer and named for the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific, the bikini is an especially skimpy version of the two-piece swimsuit (see also: two-piece) and, let’s face it, the mainstream hotness yardstick by which all other women’s swimsuits are judged. Beyond the basic bikini model, there are subcategories such as the cheeky, thong, and g-string bikinis that raise the suit’s level of difficulty by winnowing away even more of its fabric. T...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Praise for Anna Lefler and The Chicktionary
• Title Page
• Dedication
• Introduction
• A
• B
• C
• D
• E
• F
• G
• H
• I
• J
• K
• L
• M
• N
• O
• P
• Q
• R
• S
• T
• U
• V
• W
• X
• Y
• Z
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Copyright