Don't Get Mad, Get Successful

Bozana Skojo

• Publisher: G&D Media
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781722520526
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

"One day, one of Bozana's Skojo's friends told her she was 'a good poor'. Bewildered by the words at first, Bozana gradually came to realize they really did describe her - someone who was never overcome by adversity, but who fixed up her hair, put on a little lipstick and her 'game face' to work her way out of any difficulties that fate tossed her way. She realized it was a strategy for living that could apply to any situation.In Don't Get Mad, Get Successful, Bozana shares stories from her life and talks about how she did overcome the difficulties, the ups and downs - the loss of a parent, professional, and personal betrayals - to emerge as a successful business owner and loving mother of a wonderful son. Her story illustrates a host of practical life lessons.

CHAPTER ONE

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, The evidence of things not seen.

- New Testament - Hebrews 11:1

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING A GOOD POOR

From the very beginning I have always been a resourceful person. I looked to myself for solutions to problems and difficulties that I encountered along the way, and drew strength from every obstacle I overcame. The more I looked to my own resources for succour, the stronger I felt and the more confident I became. Over time, this helped to fuel my ambition - if I could rely on myself, who could let me down? I would only ever have myself to blame, and every mistake I made would be a lesson learned.

One of my best friends Patrizia called me ‘a good poor’ once. It took me some time to figure out what she meant by that. ‘A good poor’? I was not sure whether I should be offended or not. I had had a reasonably comfortable upbringing and while I would never describe myself as wealthy, nor had I ever considered myself to be particularly poor. “A good poor?” I asked myself again. What did she mean? When I asked her she only laughed and said I would figure it out one day. I am still not entirely sure what she meant, but I think I have an idea.

It does not matter where I am or what situation I find myself in, I never complain about anything; I pick myself up, put on a little lipstick and get on with it. I think that is what she meant about me being a good poor. Resourcefulness. Resilience. Self-reliance.

I was always resilient in the toughest of times, and I always knew that it was not going be bad forever. I never liked to complain because I knew that you have to get through the bad to reach for the good and that the good is so much better if you know that you were strong the whole journey there and that you did it on your own.

It seems to me that people nowadays give up much too easily; they stumble and falter at the first hurdle, giving up before they have given themselves a real chance to get started. It is one of life’s oldest lessons - you will get a few knocks along the way; it is how we learn. But the thing that really sets successful people apart is that they take these blows on the chin and keep on going. If I have been knocked down by circumstance or misfortune, I get right back up on my feet and try to find a new way of meeting the challenge. I was never one of those people who stay down when they meet adversity, and neither are you.

How do I know this? Well, you bought this book and you are reading it. That means you want to help yourself and that you are not relying on other people to find the answers for you. Hopefully, this book will inspire you to get out, change something, go after something, or at the very least give you hope that if you are proactive in your life, things will change.

In many ways, this book is an exploration of what it means to be ‘a good poor’ because I believe that at the heart of all success must lie an unassailable and unshakable belief in oneself and in one’s own ability to overcome adversity and to succeed. I think that those of us who were not fortunate enough to be born with silver spoons in our mouths should all try to be ‘good poors’. Being a good poor is about more than simply making the best out of a bad situation; it is about making success out of nothing but your own grit and determination. Just because you have limited resources now, does not mean that you will have limited resources in the future. In this respect, my attitude to life is nothing new - the more you put in, the more you get out. This ethos allows you to start with absolutely nothing but your own resourcefulness and your own initiative. You have a brain, passion and ambition, no one can take that away from you. Your vision for a better tomorrow is yours and yours alone, and only you have the power to make this vision a reality.

This is not your average ‘self-help’ book. I’m hoping to share some of the lessons I have learned throughout my life. Some of these lessons may seem like common sense, but the process of discovering the truths that lie behind them has been far from straightforward or clear-cut. Writing this book has itself been part of the learning process, and there are many lessons left to be learned. I hope that in sharing my experiences with a wider audience, I can help people to avoid making some of the mistakes I made and find a clearer path to self-fulfillment and happiness.

While much of this book is dedicated to very personal observations and experiences, my professional training and background as an aesthetician gives me a particular perspective on life and personal success. But before you accuse me of simply writing a book just to help you keep up appearances, the following chapters are not about looking good, but about feeling good and succeeding in life.

CHAPTER TWO

LEARNING TO LET GO OF THE PAST

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

~ John Lennon

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

- Oscar Wilde

Is it cliché to say time heals all? It does though. No matter what, it does. If you let go of burdens, give your shoulders a chance to breathe, things will work out ok and it is ok not to carry heavy baggage.

I lost my father at a very young age. I was 7 years old, just a few weeks shy of turning 8, and just before Christmas and also my birthday. I’m a Christmas baby, and I had my world tragically end at that very moment he passed away. I realize now that every single experience and decision I made thereafter had come from that moment. I held my breath, and didn’t want to let it back out.

I remember my father Mate being a good man, a hard-working man who loved us. He was 36 when he passed on. Thirty-six is young, very young, but being a little girl I had no concept of young and old. It took a long time for me to stop carrying that burden, to stop blaming anyone for him not being here, and to let go that my childhood was left at a standstill. Two decades. The ghost of the past will likely haunt you until you realize that it starts to affect your every day, and your future.

I would dwell on all the things I missed out on with him. I always thought about it, maybe in the hopes that it might bring him back somehow, or keep his memory alive - because I didn’t want to forget. I felt sorry for myself and was completely lost. It is like you cannot breathe anymore, when a parent, who is part of your lifeline, someone who is supposed to be on the other end of your love is gone. There isn’t anything tangible to catch your thoughts, your needs and your love growing up. It is literally cutting off a limb. Perhaps this is why my love for my son goes beyond anything I have imagined. We are both a part of each others’ life lines, and I could never imagine leaving him vulnerable to the world without my love and affection.

Being sad was all I knew from a very young age, numb and sad with walls up. When I examined it from a different perspective as I got older and realized how I’d self-created all the outcomes by my own actions or inactions, and I was amazed at how much power we all hold. It is up to you to make a decision on being sad or miserable for how long, and up to you to take control of your happiness and shift your mind in spite of life’s curve balls.

I still feel at times I need to fully exhale, however as more time passes I do breathe easier, after every experience and every lesson learned. I don’t hold it in as much. ‘It’ being anything that has held me back, down, numb and not in control. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of what happened, or think of him, or try to grasp at the fading memories that seem so far away in the past. At the time I held his death like a candle. I never burned it out and obsessed about it and it consumed my mind for years. Why did this happen to me? Why me? And again - why me? There were a lot of why me’s growing up.

That was the hardest thing that ever happened to me. The aftermath of that single event had drastically changed my life. Initially, it was not for the better, as it created in me a need to protect myself against ever feeling the pain of letting go of someone I love that much. It has been a double-edged sword. I found myself in tremendous fear—fear of having what I want and losing it. It has been a very long journey for me. I’ve struggled to let go of the belief that if I have someone in my life who I love so completely, they will ‘leave.’ My commitment to not feel that pain ever again has been a huge hurdle for me.

I think if you experience that sort of pain at a very young age, you have no choice but to grow up - really grow up - deal with it, and use that energy to channel good in your life. You never want to feel that ever again. It is about destiny, your destiny, creating yours and leaving a legacy others can be proud of, in spite of anything you feel can be holding you down.

I have been through my share of difficulties since then, however I have learned today to deal with tragedies a little differently, and I learn to let go a little more and know that you have to, if you want to keep moving forward for a fulfilling life. I don’t look backwards so much anymore. I have made mistakes later in my life as an adult, including tolerating abuse from former boyfriends because I felt like I could handle it, almost felt comfortable in it (the pain). It somehow felt normal to me. I fit in that space, the numbing mind space, until I couldn’t pretend anymore. I also know that you have to give yourself enough time in a ‘normal’ situation to know the difference.

I remember growing up as a little girl just wanting to be happy, as in the John Lennon quote at the beginning of this chapter. Just happy. The magic of life gives us new beginnings and new hopes, new dreams, new outlooks and new loves. We can choose to see things differently than we used to, and that’s ok too. You’re allowed to change your mind about how you feel about certain things. It still makes what happened real, and doesn’t take away what you felt and went through.

And just sometimes it’s ok for the candle to blow out; people need to rest in peace.

CHAPTER THREE

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

- Kurt Vonnegut

People come up to me all the time and say “you should be a model,” or “you look just like a model,” or “maybe you should try to be a man who models.” And I always have to laugh because I’m so good looking. Of course I’m a model.

- Derek Zoolander

EARNING MY OWN WAY IN LIFE

As a child, I was always described as pretty. When I became a teenager, the compliments kept coming. By the time I was an adult, people often said I was beautiful. Whether they were right or wrong is not for me to say, but the constant commentary on my physical appearance continues to shape how I think about myself and how I engage with the world around me.

In school, all the pretty girls would talk about the rich husbands they would marry when they grew up. They talked about the nice houses they would live in, the shiny cars they would drive, and the number of dresses they would have in their oversized wardrobes. Growing up, this was nothing out of the ordinary, and my friends continued to dream about their Prince Charmings until well into their adult lives. In fact, one or two eventually found happiness in the arms of well paid city executives and businessmen. Yet, for me, I knew this would not be enough. I knew I wanted more from life than a nice car, dresses, and a big house all paid for by a rich husband. Sure, I wanted all of these things, but I wanted to get them for myself. I knew I had more to offer the world than my looks.

Even back then I understood that looking good was not the same as feeling good. I knew that if I simply followed the same path that society seemed to have laid out for me, no amount of makeup or high heels would ever make me feel truly happy. I needed to find fulfillment through other means than simply marrying a financially well-endowed husband. I had common sense, a good brain, and more importantly, I had ambition and I had passion! So much passion that I truly throw myself into everything I do. When I draw or paint my creativity flows through my fingers. I truly engage myself in every aspect of my life.

I listen to my friends, and I try and give the best advice I can give. I am passionate about their successes and happiness. I love my family dearly, and would do anything to make their lives better and enjoy spending time with them daily. I have loved the relationships I have been in and I completely devote myself body and mind. Perhaps this is why I eventually chose the path of aesthetics later on into my adult life - the bonding with people, making long lasting friendships and the camaraderie. It involves listening, learning, and absorbing as much as I can to try and make things clearer for my client, giving them someone to lean on and talk to. I felt great being a sounding board and making them feel better about themselves going home, feeling prettier or more handsome after our detailing.

Feeling good about yourself imparts its own beauty - a beauty that runs, proverbially, more than skin deep. I recognized early on that people can be more beautiful on the outside if they are happy on the inside. This was perhaps one of the earliest lessons I recall and it continues to underpin my current ethos as a practicing aesthetician.

Even today, people still expect me to find a handsome and rich husband and settle down to a life of placid contentment. People assume that because I am reasonably attractive, I must have less than average intelligence. I am struck by this seemingly ingrained prejudice that I encounter everyday, whether in the workplace, in the media or even in my personal life.

Looking back over the years, it is much easier to impart a sense of meaning, direction and purpose to the events that transpired, but at the time, things always seemed much more haphazard. It is only with hindsight that I recognize the power that this prejudice must have had on me. There is a popular and misguided logic that says you cannot be clever and beautiful. It is almost as if people anticipate some kind of divine or cosmic system of justice - you can only be one or the other, not both - that would be unfair.

Perhaps, in hindsight, I should be thankful for this misconception, for it has undoubtedly spurred me on over the years. I have tried to fight this prejudice in everything I throw myself into, and my personal and professional successes over the years have vindicated my efforts. I wanted people to see me for my brains rather than just my beauty. While I have by no means let this struggle completely define who I am or what I do, I can see that it will always...