Counselling and Supporting Children and Young People

A Person-centred Approach

Mark Prever

• Publisher: SAGE Publications Ltd
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN: 9781847879356, 9781847879349
• eBook ISBN: 9781446241912
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

This book is the ideal introduction to counselling and supporting children and young people. Taking a person-centred approach, Mark Prever offers readers a clear understanding of the theory and practice of working with children and young people in difficulty - whether in a therapeutic, school or social work setting.

This practical text:

- specifically addresses both the counsellor and the ?helper?, who may be unfamiliar with counselling jargon

- contains exercises, points for further thought and discussion, and boxed notes thoroughout, highlighting exactly how the theory applies to the child or young person

- discusses ethics, the current political agenda and evidence-based practice.

This book is a must-read for trainees and professionals working with children and young people in the fields of counselling and psychotherapy, education, mental health, nursing, youth work and social work.

PRACTICE

7

WORKING WITH FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

INTRODUCING THIS CHAPTER

Feelings and emotions are what makes us human. We begin this chapter with an attempt to define and differentiate between the two. We will then go on to look at feelings and emotion in children and young people; at how they recognise and express what is happening deep inside them. Finally, we return to the role of the counsellor and helper, exploring ways in which it is possible to reflect children and feelings more accurately.

TO THE COUNSELLOR

The client’s story and struggles will be infused with emotion and feeling. These represent the window through which we see into the child or young person’s life, as they see it. Recognising and understanding what a child or young person is experiencing emotionally is essential for the counsellor trying hard to offer the core conditions of unconditional positive regard, congruence and empathy.

TO THE HELPER

There is always the temptation to want the child or young person we are working with to feel better. This can sometimes lead to our not accepting feelings and subtly trying to sway children away from unpleasant sensations. This may have more to do with ourselves than with the young person we are working with.

ELUSIVE DEFINITIONS

Before we continue with this chapter, some definitions are necessary. Defining emotion and its relationship to feeling is not an easy task. According to Reber and Reber (2001): ‘Historically, this term has proven utterly refractory to definitional efforts: probably no other term in psychology shares its combination of non-definability and frequency of use’ (p. 236).

Feltham and Dryden (1993) note that the two terms have been used synonymously, although they offer a distinction suggesting that feelings are experienced whilst emotions are exhibited.

Bayne et al. (1994) refer to the attempt by Nichols and Jenkinson (1991) to distinguish between the two words. Feelings are seen as being more complicated than emotions. Feeling is described as: ‘the current physiological and psychological stance of the person and the general “atmosphere” of your body’ (Bayne et al., 1994: 64–5).

Of course, etymology is a useful companion here. The word ‘emotion’ originates in the Latin word emovere, which means ‘to move’ or ‘excite’. For some, feeling is seen as the subjective experience of the emotion.

It may be that the pursuit of definitions is an academic venture and of little concern to the adult helper or counsellor. What is clear is that there is a massive literature out there and it is unlikely that many disciplines of human knowledge do not in some way touch upon these two related concepts. What is also apparent is that humanistic and person-centred approaches focus more on a feelings dimension than do other approaches such as the cognitive-behavioural therapies. It is also important to note that working with children’s feelings and emotions is a key issue in counselling, and hopefully this chapter will at least begin to explore some of the issues.

In attempting to define emotion and feeling, it is perhaps important to describe what these two words do not mean. David Geldard (1998) wants us to distinguish between thoughts and feelings; he writes:

Feelings are quite different from thoughts. Thoughts mill about in our brains. They are at a ‘head’ level, whereas feelings are to do with emotions. Feelings are at a gut level, not a head level and they tie into our physiological sensations. (p. 73)

In attempting to understand feeling and emotion, Rogers in Carl Rogers on Personal Power (1978) writes: ‘Inevitably, in a person-centred situation, there is increasing recognition of the importance of feelings, as well as reason, of emotions as well as intellect’. Rogers goes on to say that: ‘A feeling is an emotionally tinged experience together with its personal meaning. Thus it includes the emotion but also the cognitive content of the meaning of that emotion in its experiential context’ (pp. 49–50).

Rogers also wants us to work with the whole person. Reason, thinking and rationality are an attempt to separate or divorce the complete experience of being human. He concludes: ‘The divorce of reason from feeling is one of the first myths to disappear in a person-centred approach. Individuals find themselves communicating with their whole beings, expressing their experiences, not some desiccated intellectual representation of them’ (p. 50).

In his book A Way of Being (1980), Rogers continued to explore this theme:

Most of us spent twenty or more years in educational institutions where the intellect was all. Anything that counted, anything of any importance, occurred above the neck – in absorbing and memorizing, in thought and expression. Yet in life, in therapy, in marriage, in parent–child and other intimate relationships, in encounter groups, in university faculty meetings, we were forced to learn that feelings were an equally important part of living. But, due largely to our education, we still tend to dichotomize these two aspects. (pp. 248–9)

Rogers’ words still have relevance today, as schools continue to focus on the achievement of academic and intellectual goals and interventions which largely take the form of changing behaviour or thinking. This point is made by Tudor et al. (2004): ‘Many of the structures of schools militate against intimacy, and emotional literacy, which is arguably more important than the 3R’s, and is not even on the curriculum’ (p. 180).

WITH CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE IN MIND

There have been some developments here as more recently schools have been asked to focus more on emotional development and well-being. At the time of writing, many more schools are becoming ‘Healthy Schools’, where to achieve this status some emphasis needs to be given to emotional health, whilst the Government’s SEAL initiative (Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning) is beginning to influence primary and secondary schools throughout the country.

CHILDREN AND THE EXPRESSION OF EMOTION AND FEELINGS

It is an accepted belief that it is better for children and young people to express their feelings than hold them inside. When we stop and consider what we are actually asking young people to do, it is not surprising that they, like adults, will attempt to avoid those feelings which cause them anxiety or stress, or make them feel sad or despairing. In counselling, we often talk about the intellectualisation of feelings. That is, we talk about feelings without actually feeling, without experiencing any emotion. If young people are helped with the expression of feeling, they are more likely to be able to deal with the problems and choices they face in their lives. Suppression of feeling means that they continue to influence their relationships in often destructive ways.

These sentiments can be found in Rogers (1980):

I have learned that in any significant or continuing relationship, persistent feelings had best be expressed. If they are expressed as feelings, owned by me, the result may be temporarily upsetting but ultimately far more rewarding than any attempt to deny or conceal them. (p. 44)

In trying to understand why children and young people find experiencing and expressing emotions difficult, we can draw from Rogers’ (1967) own observations:

In our daily lives there are a thousand and one reasons for not letting ourselves experience our attitudes fully, reasons from our past and from the present, reasons that reside within the social situation. It seems too dangerous, too potentially damaging, to experience them freely and fully. (p. 111)

A writer who has contributed much to our understanding of why young people find it difficult to feel and express emotions in therapy is Martha Straus (1999), who writes:

Therapists often place high value on helping children identify their feelings and describe them with words – an emphasis derived directly from the treatment of adults. The capacity to attend to, understand, and talk about emotions is, of course, the essential focus of adult psychotherapy. In adult treatment, successful outcomes appear to be linked to this ability to focus on and understand emotional experience. But for kids, such skills may develop slowly, if at all. This fact alone is sufficient to distinguish child from adult therapy. (p. 17)

She argues that emotional development in children and young people follows an identifiable timeline. The first task is to be able to recognise and identify feelings. This, she argues, is directly connected to the development of an appropriate vocabulary and the more sophisticated use of feeling words. Straus also sees a problem for young people in the expression of feelings, that is, putting them into words. This developmental situation is further exacerbated by life experience:

But their emotional experience is even more complicated because these kids typically have endured hard times that produce many concurrent and conflicting feelings. Abused kids provide a clear example of this; they may feel love, fear, rage and sadness, among other potent emotions – often all at once. (Straus, 1999: 18)

Straus also sees the link between emotional expression and development. She provides us with a number of examples, noting how very young children deny or distance themselves from feelings of sadness and often present a happy picture of their lives. She says that children often project negative feelings onto others, while denying their own:

Even kids under seven can explain why a puppet is crying and think about what might make it feel better. If they have sufficient language skills, they will also be able to figure out a response to a speculative question like, how will the puppet feel if –? Thus, a child’s expression of feelings may be greater when her own pain or confusion isn’t the central concern. (1999: 19)

A FEELINGS VOCABULARY

WITH CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE IN MIND

Younger children will have fewer words to describe how they are feeling. They may not even be aware of what is going on and are more likely to express themselves through behaviours. Some of these cause concern in the adults around them.

As stated earlier, person-centred counselling gives a greater emphasis to ‘feelings’ than a number of other approaches. Person-centred therapy was developed with adults in mind so it makes use of language, the main medium being words. It is also generally accepted that a client will communicate feelings without the use of words by the way they sit and the expression on their faces. The person-centred therapist is trained to look beyond the words to find hidden or additional meanings. Sometimes there is some discrepancy between what the person is saying and what is seen by the therapist. For example, a client may be saying that they are not angry with their partner who rarely helps with childcare when their voice and demeanour suggests otherwise. This point is made by Tolan (2003):

When you simply repeat what the client has said, you are staying on the surface of what he has communicated. It is important to listen to (or note, if you are a deaf counsellor) his tone, his hesitations and garrulousness. If you are sighted and working face-to-face, you will have additional information from his facial expressions and posture. All of this conveys meaning beyond the surface meaning of the words alone. (pp. 23–4)

When sitting with a young person in a helping capacity, we find that some children and young people express themselves well and draw upon a wide range of feeling words to express how they feel. Others find it hard and simply don’t have the means to understand what they are feeling, never mind the vocabulary to put these emotions into words. Emotional literacy seeks to help young people understand their own and other people’s feelings and be able to express them clearly. Counsellors working with young people may not formally teach feeling words, but through their reflection of feelings, they help the young person by offering them words that seem to capture how they feel. In this way, the young client increases their capacity to talk about their inner world.

When young people cannot find the words to express how they feel, they either become frustrated or deny that they are feeling anything at all. Boys often find it harder to get in touch with their feelings or say what they feel. This issue has been explored by Kindlan and Thompson whose book, Raising Cain (2000), was concerned with...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• ABOUT THE AUTHOR
• CONTENTS
• Acknowledgements
• THEORY
• PRACTICE
• Appendix
• References
• Useful organisations
• Index