Gutted

Liz Richardson, Tara Robinson

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781350101203
• eBook ISBN: 9781350101210
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

If you're concerned, just talk to a member of our staff or, alternatively, swing your legs over the edge of the bed and walk out, remembering to pull the camera from your bum before leaving the hospital. Liz has got an embarrassing problem, and these yogurts aren't helping. Her body's acting up. Gutted is a bold new journey of frank confessions, colourful characters and too much brown sauce. A shameless tale of love, laughter and lavatories, it is based on solo performer Liz Richardson's real-life experiences as a young woman living with ulcerative colitis (similar to Crohn's Disease).

Part One

Note: With each new character, a new captioned name might appear on the screen behind. These names will collect over the course of the piece to form a web of people.

Liz enters.

Liz (as Goodhand)

Welcome, Elizabeth, come in, take a seat, and you, Mum.

I’m Dr Goodhand. Yes, really.

Now, here’s a leaflet about ulcerative colitis.¹

And here’s another leaflet

And here’s a leaflet

And another leaflet

And here’s another leaflet

And here’s a leaflet about having a key to open every

single door to every single public toilet in every single

corner of the UK.²

And here’s another leaflet . . .

And now let’s talk about this new drug.

Liz (as Neil, an admirer, during a hospital visit)

Is it OK if I sit here?

Shall I put them here?

I’d ask the nurses for water but they’ll think I’m fussing over you.

Anyway, you look well, Liz.

Well, you’re not well, but you look well, you always look well.

You have a ‘well-looking’ face.

Lovely.

Anyway, you look well, Liz.

Shall I sit on your bed?

OK.

Nice view from the bed.

Well this is a first.

Me, you, on your bed.

You in your nighty.

Pause.

I might actually just get the water for the . . .

Liz (as Nurse Whale, Northern, loud, as if speaking to a large group of children)

Sung: ‘Would you like to swing on a star, Carry moonbeams round in a jar’

Rise and shine everybody, it’s a bee-u-tiful morning, Liz, turn that frown upside down.

It’s time to get you up and out of your beds, 6.30 and let’s get the day started.

I want everyone thinking ‘I WILL GET BETTER’ Positive attitude positive attitude!

Did we all sleep soundly?

No snoring from our Elsie?

Elsie, put those choccie biscuits away.

Now Liz, matron says you have a little problem with my singing . . . and I were a little sad to hear that, really, it isn’t nice when somebody makes a complaint about you, is it? But it’s OK, I’m not going to take offence, I know it’s only ‘cos you’re feeling poorly, but, like I always say, ‘sing a song and you won’t be in long’.

Now Elsie, breakfast is coming, and if you don’t put those choccie biscuits away I’ll take them off you. In fact, give ’em here.

Liz (as Morphine Tits, Cumbrian, another patient)

Choccie biscuits?

Choccie biscuits?

Can I have one too, Liz?

She sees a doctor.

Oh doc, doc

Help a lady out and hook me up some more o’ that morphine would ya doc?

Please, oh I’m bad fettle, bad fettle marra,³

And that lump of a woman took me morphine off me.

Please?

Liz (as Halliday, another close friend, during a hospital visit)

I bought you some knickers, didn’t know if you’d have any left, M&S big black cotton briefs, size 14, don’t take offence.

Ooh you missed a good night the other night Scrums.

Sills did a forty-eight-hour-er, I bumped into Laddo, gave him a look like this (frowns) – for yer, ‘cos I’m a good friend like that.

A creep in the bar offered me a hundred quid for my knickers.

Took it, obviously.

Becs . . . touch and go, she’s not been out for ages.

Oh, and Sills said I should paint your nails for yer.

Are you gonna eat that jelly and ice cream?

Liz (as Nasty Flower Nurse, hospital)

Absolutely no flowers in here, it’s unhygienic.

Flowers: can’t have them. I’m the boss around here.

Would you like me to ring someone and they can come and get your flowers?

. . .

Oh you’ve got no-one. Right, I’ll take them away then.

In fact, I don’t think you even need to be in your own private room, Elizabeth, so we’ll get your bed moved onto the ward.

Say goodbye to the flowers.

Liz (as Morphine Tits (again), in hospital)

Hey Liz, been writing you a poem:

Tho’ I don’t know you well

From what I’ve learned I think you’re swell

I hope that life is good to you

And you’re successful in all you do. So,

When you’re feeling sad and low

Think of me and then you’ll know

I’m pleased you stayed next-bed to me

Thank you for your company!

Eh?

Liz (as Kate)

Hahaha Liz,

Oh my god, Liz, I can’t believe you’ve actually got

diagnosed with something!

I used to take the piss and get angry when you always felt

ill . . .

What a bitch.

Liz (as Old Elsie, disorientated, another patient)

Can I get in your bed?

Ooooh they’re so horrible to me.

I don’t like it here.

Can I?

Liz (as Night Nurse, speaking gently to Liz’s parents in hospital)

You get yourselves home now, get some rest – I’ll take it from here. We’ve got her temperature down and she seems a lot more settled, ready to sleep.

Your Liz is gonna be just fine with me, don’t you worry. I’m on all night so I’ll stay really close, make sure she’s comfortable. We’ll see you in the morning and we’ll have some colour back in her cheeks, I promise.

Liz (as Matt, a colleague during a temporary office job)

Hey Liz, you know that advert for Activia yogurts?

It’s the yogurts with the friendly bacteria.

They’re meant to be really good for tummy problems so me and Luke were thinking, we could clear some space in the staff fridge and you could just keep a load in there, you know . . . to help. Idea?⁴

Liz (as Becs, reading from a letter)

‘The thing is, I can’t be there for you right now as I’m not well and although it’s hard for you to understand – feeling like this in my head is an illness too, you know, but just different from you. I can’t offer positivity and I can’t offer support but know this – we’ll both get through this, both in our own way, and be better friends to each other very soon. I’m sorry for your pain – I hope you can eventually be sorry for mine.’

Liz (as Sills, another close friend, Scouser)

Ah Biz, the boy’s just not that into yer. Laddo: he isn’t boyfriend material.

You gotta stop drunk-texting him and turning up on his doorstep.

[VIDEO CAPTION: ‘The Shame of It Ch. 1’]

Liz (as a Young Woman in the queue for a public toilet)

Oh god,

don’t go in there

that is just really nasty

oh my gosh, it smells really bad

toilet’s blocked –

not just piss, there’s actually shit and blood in there, it’s real...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• The Conker Group
• IA: the ileostomy & internal pouch Support Group
• Home
• Gutted
• Biographies
• Acknowledgements
• A note about this script …
• Part One
• eCopyright