Transforming the Struggles of Tamars

Single Women and Baptistic Communities

Lina Andronoviene

• Publisher: Pickwick Publications
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN:
  9781625641083
  9781498226448
• eBook ISBN:
  9781630872939
• Topic: Théologie et religion
• Subtopic: Théologie chrétienne

This book explores the unprecedented challenge of involuntary singleness for women, and the implications of disregarding this challenge for the Christian (and particularly, baptistic) communities of faith. It argues that these communities not only fail involuntarily single women, but also in so doing, suffer a serious detriment to their own communal health and Christian witness. Taking the challenge of involuntary singleness as a test case, this book explores the method of convictional theology and argues for a holistic framework that can draw together the personal, communal, and visionary spheres of human existence. Although primarily a work of theological ethics, it also draws from a number of different disciplines, including cultural studies and sociology as well as intersections of science and theology.

1

Churches and Single Women

Introducing the Challenge

The church is filled with numerous Christian women who love God and who spend their spare time and energy doing voluntary work in their churches, but when it comes to finding a partner—despite their prayers and efforts—they draw a blank. This can fill them with anger, guilt and bitterness as they ask themselves what have they done wrong to cause God not to answer their prayers.23

There is a popular magazine published by a German-based evangelical mission organisation Licht im Osten (Light in the East) for Eastern Europe’s evangelicals. The Russian version of the magazine, Vera i Zhyzn (Faith and Life), chose “loneliness” as its theme for the 2/2003 issue.24 One of the articles was an anonymous letter written by a distressed single woman. Here are some of the excerpts.25

Our church is a small one. Earlier there were some young sisters, but now they have families and are raising children. Now I’m the only one of this kind. I happen to come from another town, so I do not have my classmates and girlfriends, and I did not manage to acquire new friends through my time here. Women at my work place keep telling me: you need to get married, otherwise you’ll always be only “auntie” for the kids, never a mum. Do you think that this is not painful to hear, that it does not pierce the soul? And then, so often their answer to any question is, “What problems do you have? You don’t have kids, you don’t have kittens . . .”

I sometimes think that if I were an invalid, or if I would be in the prison, or if I’d be a nun, then all would be clear: both my singleness and my prison-like life without relationships. But I am a normal human being . . . I will soon be 30, and I look ugly. So I can’t expect to get married. But it’s so difficult to live when you don’t have anybody, when you’re all alone–no family, no girlfriends. Alone at work, alone at church, alone at home as well . . .

Should I become a drug addict or start living licentiously? Then at least I won’t be the only one, then at least my being rejected will have a reason . . .

But I do not want to hear the words of the brother preachers who are married and have lots of children. I don’t want words fortified by Bible quotes. I don’t want to hear words of encouragement that “all will be well with you also” uttered by the sisters who waited for long and finally gained family happiness. I do not want to hear the words of edification that first I need to worry about the things of the Lord, the words of old sisters who have grandchildren. I badly want to hear the words of an ordinary old sister from a small church who has never been married and doesn’t have girlfriends, neither in the world nor in the church, just like me. How did you manage to live all these years, dear elderly sister? How did you cope with tears, with blaming yourself and with anger toward others?

The Lord gives comfort, I know it. That’s what keeps me. If I had a chance to return back, [I would do the same again and would come to the Lord.] But for some reason, it makes me so sad.26

The letter was followed up by numerous responses from the readers of the magazine. Here is the summary of the leading themes:

• An acknowledgement of the lack of [proper] pastoral counselling, as pastors are not grasping the problem and do not have the needed skills to help involuntarily single people.

• Exhortations to find the joy of life by living in the presence of God, and by serving others: “Look around yourself: there are so many suffering and crying people! Both married and single feel unhappy because of loneliness. They all need the healing balm. Dear sister! Maybe there is a lonely old man or woman in need of help near you. Go to them.”

• Response from those suffering similarly: “I was reading your letter and sobbing . . . God loves even us, ugly ones . . . I’m constantly in pain. But I console myself in prayer to our Jesus Christ. He knows all, including you and I . . . May the Lord protect us from envy.”

• An offering of their service from a women’s organisation in California: “We are the sisters you are looking for.”27

• Some well-meaning advice from Seattle warning of the devil: “Currently, the devil has taken over your soul and mouth. He can kill, steal, and ruin . . . In the name of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, with the help of your parishioners (pastor, brothers and sisters), seek to cast away this devil of hatred from your life, and it will get better . . . [You have a talent, so don’t let it go away], use it, and your time will be filled.”

• Offer of psychological help by a professional psychologist.28

The editors of the magazine asked an older, always-single female to publicly respond to the letter. Here, again, are some extracts:

Once I had this fleeting nagging thought: “Why is it that I, having such an array of positive qualities, am still on my own?” And I answered to myself, with a smile: “The one who’d be worthy of me hasn’t been born yet, hasn’t been born . . . again!” I am not frightened by the thoughts about the future. The Lord will take care of me, of this I am sure.

. . . Since the time the Lord has made me busy by giving me a needed and loved work, I do not have time to be asking, “Why do I live?” I am immensely grateful to the Lord for exactly such lifestyle as I have . . . Of course, I also have some difficult moments, and even days. We are all human and experience low moments in health and in attitudes. But this is temporary, and it soon passes. After a storm and difficulties, calm, sunny weather descends on the soul. If you are with God, it cannot be any other way.

I look at the brothers and sisters of my church and I rejoice that God has given me this family. Everybody has their problems, worries, at times difficult...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Foreword - Dr. Parush R. Parushev
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Churches and Single Women
• Chapter 2: Surface Theologies
• Chapter 3: Mirroring the Culture
• Chapter 4: Church, Family, and the Myths of Love
• Chapter 5: Convictions behind the Surface
• Chapter 6: The Fight of the Tamars
• Chatper 7: Community and Its Practices
• Chapter 8: I Have Called You Friends
• Chapter 9: The Grain That Dies
• Conclusion
• Bibliography