Forever and Always

The Art of Intimacy

Tracy, Tracy

• Publisher: Wipf and Stock
• Year: 2011
• eBook ISBN: 9781498273121
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

This book reflects a multi disciplinary, integrative approach to the theology and practice of relational intimacy. It combines biblical data on sexuality and relationships with marriage and bonding research. The reader is then guided in applying the research to his or her relationships. In essence, this is a handbook for understanding and deepening the stages involved in bonding or attaching closely to another human being. Marriage, the most intimate of all human relationships, is described in Scripture as a one-flesh mystery (Eph 5:31-32). This mystery of human bonding is as beautiful as it is complex, particularly in a post-Eden world. Many of us are woefully aware of our relational deficits, yet lack vibrant marriages around us to emulate. Those of us who have not experienced relationships of health, safety, and security particularly find we need roadmaps along the way. Our desire is that in the pages of this book readers will find personal encouragement and direction that is both biblically precise and practical for their relational journeys. Our intimacy model is built upon God's bold promises to heal and redeem. His pathways bring life; he is the one true lover of our souls. Our intimacy with him is foundational to all other relationships.

part one

Foundations of Intimacy

Once Upon a Time

1

God’s Original Design

Just as we are more than the bodies we can see, we are more than our individual, separate selves. . . . We literally do not know who we are apart from our relationship with others.

—David P. Gushee1

We grew up in the Valley of the Sun (Phoenix) and cavorted away countless childhood afternoons swimming in backyard pools with friends. For the boys in my (Steve’s) neighborhood, that typically involved riotous games of keep-away with tattered rubber balls. Decades later, I still vividly recall catching the prize in the deep end of the pool, instantly being mugged by a feral prepubescent pack of boys, and being held under water until I released the ball. Sometimes even after coughing up the oval prize, there were so many flailing bodies on top of me that I couldn’t reach the surface. In mere seconds I would begin to panic—lunging, punching, and kicking my way to the surface. As much as I wanted to win, wanted to swim, and wanted friends, oxygen was my essential need!

Connect or Die: The Biology of Human Intimacy

What about human intimacy? Most of us want social interaction. All but the most reclusive hermit eventually feel lonely and want to be around others. We want and enjoy friendships. But is intimacy essential? Is it as vital as oxygen? In a word, yes! Obviously, relational deprivation does not affect us as quickly and dramatically as oxygen deprivation, yet it is no less essential for emotional and spiritual health. Sometimes, it is essential for life itself. From birth, humans need relational contact. For instance, infants who are given basic care but little or no physical touch and human interaction literally can fail to thrive and eventually die. Our understanding of the life-sustaining importance of touch was advanced immediately after World War II when relief organizations were overwhelmed with thousands of orphaned infants. The babies’ physical needs were met, but workers had little time to hold or interact with the children. Before long, large numbers of infants became listless, failing to thrive, and many died. Mortality rates among these orphans rose so sharply that authorities were called in to conduct tests to see if there was some contagious disease spreading among the children. After a careful assessment, it was determined that there was no disease or other physical etiology causing these deaths. Rather, the children were failing to thrive because they needed human contact. Once grandmothers were brought in to the orphanages simply to rock and hold the infants, mortality rates plummeted. A few decades later, a similar phenomenon was observed with orphans in Romania. These children were often packed into drab rooms where they received little human contact or physical touch. Caregivers were responsible for up to thirty children each. These children’s social deprivation caused many of them to engage in disturbing self-soothing actions such as head banging, incessant rocking, and hand flapping. Many of the children began to waste away physically and mentally. Furthermore, even when they were later adopted into stable, loving homes outside Romania, many of these children continued to exhibit profound social, cognitive, and emotional problems that were largely nonexistent among noninstitutionalized Romanian children.2

Recent scientific research has given us deeper biological insights into why and how human connection is essential for physical and emotional health. In the mid 1990s, researchers such as Dr. Bruce Perry conducted neuroscientific and clinical research on child maltreatment, which led to significant discoveries regarding the anatomical impact of neglect on young children. Through the use of MRIs and other research tools, Perry demonstrated that social deprivation, particularly from caregivers, alters young children’s brains in such a way as to disturb development. Neglect creates long-term, sometimes severe, neurological impairment in various areas of the brain, particularly those that regulate emotion and impulse control.3 In other words, extreme neglect, often termed “global neglect,” can cause physiological brain damage. Severely neglected children have regions of their brains that are significantly underdeveloped, and these neurological abnormalities can be permanent.4

We can understand the profound damage of neglect by briefly explaining brain development. The human brain is one of our largest organs, weighing three and a half pounds in the average adult. It is also the most undifferentiated, or undeveloped, organ in the body at birth. There are approximately 100 billion neurons in the human brain, and most of them are present at birth. Human infants’ brains do not need additional numbers of nerve cells. In fact, an infant’s developing brain has more neurons than it can use and is in the continual process of “pruning,” eliminating neurons that are not utilized. The neurons that survive are the ones that become electrically active because synapses have developed, allowing electrical signals to be transmitted. Thus, the human brain is highly “use-dependent” for its development. God in his wisdom wired the human brain so that one of the primary mechanisms that stimulate this process of brain development is human connection. More specifically, caregivers’ interaction with a baby through touch, facial gestures, verbal reactions, and other responses stimulate the development of synapses, the neuronal pathways that connect the various parts of the brain.5 Human interaction with infants and children also stimulates subsequent brain development. Some essential skills, particularly language acquisition and proficiency, can only be acquired if there is adequate human interaction during the critical period of brain development from birth to the onset of puberty.6 In other words, human connection is so essential that, if a perfectly normal, healthy child is deprived of human contact for extended critical periods during childhood, he or she most likely will never be able to develop normal language skills.

We can also understand the critical role relationships play in early human development in terms of healthy attachment. Since the mid-twentieth century, a great amount of research has gone into understanding long-term human development and emotional wellbeing in terms of the quality of attachment children experience with their primary caregivers, particularly in the first several years of life. There is now an overwhelming consensus among social scientists that the type and quality of relationships children experience, particularly with their primary caregivers, lays the foundation for emotional and relational wellbeing for the rest of a child’s life.7 Sadly, there is also a strong consensus that many of the most socially unhealthy and destructive conditions, such as borderline and antisocial personality disorders, narcissism, and sociopathy, often have their roots in painful, disrupted, and dysfunctional relationships with childhood caregivers.8 Since more than three-fourths of a child’s brain is formed by age three, and early human attachments are most influential, healthy relationships truly impact and shape us for life.

The good news is that we have the opportunity to reverse many of these early social and neurobiological effects upon the brain by creating intimate connections in our adult relationships. A leading neurobiologist explains this dynamic in encouraging physiological terms, noting that we now realize “the brain is capable of change at any time and that social interactions are a primary source of brain regulation, growth, and health. . . . [A]ny meaningful relationship can reactivate neuroplastic processes and actually change the structure of the brain.”9 Amazingly, we can positively shape each other at the deepest level of our hearts, souls, and even our minds. God has given us the privilege and ability to offer deep “repair” to each other through the medium of relationships. We have observed numerous couples who have been deeply wounded in childhood who as adults experience remarkable healing through healthy relationships. In summary, nourishing relationships have tremendous power to stimulate growth and healing in adult contexts.10 Relational connection is an essential human need.

A Theology of Human Intimacy

As Christians, we believe that God uniquely and purposefully created us; we are not the result of blind chance. Furthermore, Scripture gives us rich teaching on human creation and intimate relationships. So, at this juncture, we might ask, Does Scripture teach that intimacy is essential to being human? Why did God “wire” us for relationships?

Creation: All Is Good Unless Alone

The biblical account of God’s creation of the universe and all life, including humans, is tantalizingly brief. Often, when I (Steve) lecture in seminary classes on creation, students fixate on what the text does not clearly address. They want to know when Satan fell, how long Adam and Eve were in the garden, and how they lived before the fall. I appreciate inquisitive minds—however, we must not allow the gaps and terse descriptions of the passage...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Part One: Foundations of Intimacy
• Part Two: Creating Intimacy
• Appendix A: Married Couples’ Emotional Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix B: Singles’ Emotional Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix C: Married Couples’ Relational Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix D: Singles’ Relational Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix E: Married Couples’ Physical (Nonerotic) Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix F: Married Couples’ Sexual Intimacy Quotient
• Appendix G: Singles’ Sexual Health Quotient
• Bibliography