The Book of Womanhood

Amy F. Davis Abdallah

• Publisher: Cascade Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781498221344, 9781498221368
• eBook ISBN: 9781498221351
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

Christian womanhood. What does it mean? When does it happen--at a certain age, status, or maturity? How do we know we're no longer girls? And when we've figured that out, how will others know to call us "woman" rather than "girl"? Christian women don't usually get a rite of passage in which they are named "woman." Seeing this need, Amy Davis Abdallah created such a rite, and this book accompanies it.No need to be in her rite of passage, however, to name yourself "woman." Read this book and then sit down with some friends to talk about it over tea, coffee, and/or chocolate. Let The Book of Womanhood create a path through the confusion by its flexible framework of finding identity through developing relationship with God, self, others, and creation.Amy writes simply as one perhaps further along in her journey of womanhood, and she doesn't write alone. She includes the stories of biblical women, of friends young and old, and even more. The diverse voices come together as a cloud of witnesses--encouraging us in our individual journeys. Read for empowerment. Read for transformation. Read. And become the woman of God you were created to be.

1

Beginnings

Habits for the Journey

Anytime a woman competes with another woman she demeans herself.

~ Sherry Argov, American Writer

The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when [s]he needs it. Whether [s]he’s got an abscess on [her] knee or in [her] soul.

~ Rona Barrett, Gossip Columnist

A woman who is not happy with herself can never be happy for someone else.

~ Kamryn Adams, Author

Welcome to the journey of womanhood! Perhaps this journey began long ago for you, or perhaps it’s just beginning; wherever you are, I heartily welcome you. Womanhood is a journey that is never complete but always growing, never the same but with an ebb and flow, never boring but full of joy, sorrow, and contentment. Womanhood is not a vocation that we attain through hard work, but rather a journey unique to each of us that we receive and live to its fullest. The goal is not to measure where you are on the journey, but rather to be on the path and to walk it with others. The path is not about success or failure—we do not succeed or fail in this journey, because we will always be women.

Paying attention to the journey of womanhood is our primary goal. Though we may in fact be women, if we don’t pay attention to womanhood, we will miss the blessings it holds. Throughout the time you spend reading this book, why not make it your goal to pay attention to the journey of womanhood, so that you can receive and live it to the fullest? I recommend developing a few habits that will make the journey enjoyable and smooth; these habits are good life habits that will hopefully stay with you. They are four: I invite you to develop the habits of naming yourself “woman,” asking for help, investing in yourself, and embracing your own unique journey.

Name Yourself “Woman”

Language is powerful. The words we use to name things make a difference. The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” has been proven false through many of our experiences. Words both build up and break down. Words both curse and bless.

When I was a little girl, Mr. Tanner always told me I was beautiful, and I internalized his blessing and never doubted my appearance, though I don’t recommend that we value women only for their looks. However, formative people in my life called me stupid, and my intelligence is something I have deeply doubted through the years. In your life journey thus far, it is likely that you have internalized words others have said about you, whether those words have caused you to believe in yourself and love who you are, or to believe you are worthless and unacceptable.

And it’s not just words that others use for us, but even words that we use to describe ourselves. This book is about being a Christian woman, and I encourage you to use the words that describe women in this book to describe yourself. Rather than cursing yourself, bless. As a first act of blessing, I invite you to no longer refer to yourself as a girl, but to refer to yourself as a woman.

It may seem awkward at first, especially if you’re not sure what a woman is. If you believe you are no longer a girl, though, you will “grow into” what you call yourself. When someone graduates from college with an accounting degree, she should call herself an accountant, even though she has not yet been employed as one. When she gets an accounting job or consults with businesses, her identity as an accountant will grow, and her journey will likely include continuing education, but she was an accountant even when she lacked experience.

So it is with womanhood. Neither college graduation, marriage, motherhood, nor career give you the name “woman”; only you can. God has made you a woman and given you the privilege and authority to agree with your Creator by naming yourself “woman” and forming your identity as a woman. It is within your grasp. If you are reading this book, you’ve reached a place in your life where you believe that you are a woman, even though you may not fully understand what womanhood means. Reading more and having various experiences will help to define the lifelong journey of womanhood, but the beginning blessing is yours to receive and vocalize. Make it a habit to name yourself “woman” in your thoughts and in your conversations, and you will personally experience the transforming power of language. So, will you try it with me? Sit up, take a deep breath, and say it out loud: “I am a woman!” Feel the waves of strength that name provides.

Ask for Help

The power of naming yourself is yours, as is the ability to receive help from others. You are created to need others, can learn from others’ successes and mistakes, and have the opportunity to make it a habit to ask for help. Please understand, I am not suggesting becoming a super-dependent-I can-do-nothing-on-my-own kind of person that asks for help with everything. However, being the I-am-independent-and-need-no-one kind of person repels people, is lonely, and makes life harder for herself.

Don’t get me wrong—I can carry a box of heavy items up the flight of stairs to my apartment, use a screwdriver and hammer effectively, change the tires, cook a many-course dinner, compete with anyone on the soccer field, and be successful in my job all alone. For a long time, I did all this and more to prove that I could. I only proved it to myself, though, since it didn’t really matter to others, and I have later found that life is more enjoyable and easier when others help. Womanhood is not about achieving but rather about being on the journey and walking it with others. Asking for help facilitates this journey and makes it more enjoyable and smooth.

But asking for help does not always come easily. Many struggle with asking, especially for something they really, really want. For them, before even asking, all of the following and more must be answered: Do I really deserve this? Does that person want to give it to me? Can I get along without it? How much will it hurt if he/she says no, and can I handle the pain? This mental anguish makes the question far weightier than it should be and discourages asking.

In my experience, not only did I not ask for help because I wanted to prove myself, but also because I was ashamed to need help and sometimes I thought that others would not want to help me. While there are bad thought patterns behind these negative ideas that must be worked through, at the end of the day, people don’t mind helping. In fact, I like to help a friend move, I like to throw a party for others, I like to discuss decisions, and I like to mentor people. So do many other women. This relational drive is part of what it is to be in the image of God, a concept we will further discuss as we move on. Asking for help calls for interdependence, a healthy balance between independence and dependence—a healthy relationship with others.

One way of asking for help is asking a respected woman to be your mentor, a requirement of Woman, and a suggestion for all readers. For some, asking is easy, and for others it is quite difficult because the fear of rejection rears its ugly head. When someone is unable to mentor another, it is generally due to lack of time or resources, and not due to lack of respect or affection for the person asking. And the value of the mentoring relationship in Woman is consistently applauded. The women asked for help and receive more than they could dream of. They stated the following about their mentoring relationships: “The most difficult thing was finding/asking [a mentor]. But through that, I have been able to become more assertive and brave, and not be afraid to ask people things.” “I realized honesty, transparency and vulnerability is most important so maybe I have gained some strength in that area.” “I have gained confidence, the ability to process my feelings and a greater sense of self through it. The difficult part was learning to trust that my mentor was not going to judge me.” “I told her my darkest, scariest secrets and she loved me and advised me and led me to God.” Your mentors and other women around you represent a wealth of knowledge, experience, and love, all of which can help you. Their wisdom is yours for the asking, so ask!

A good friend encouraged me to ask for help with this statement: “If you don’t ask, the answer is always ‘no.’” Quite a bit of wisdom is packaged here. Generally, when “no” is the answer, we are simply left where we were before we asked. Life is not worse; it is essentially the same. If a “yes” will have a positive effect, and a “no” will have none, why not ask? The worst-case scenario is that life is the same, until you get a “yes” elsewhere. If you don’t ask, the answer is always “no,” but if you ask, it might be “yes,” and the risk is usually worth it. The habit of asking for help will bring great benefit to your life.

Invest in Yourself

The third habit to develop does not require much risk—it is the habit of investing in yourself. Perhaps others have no problem investing in themselves, but when I do, it’s often hard to shake off the feeling of guilt. I know many women who have no time for themselves—it seems that women are predisposed to give to others and not to give to ourselves and it’s hard to tell whether the source of this predisposition is our nature, or cultural or family expectations.

I watch men spend hours on the golf course, at sporting events, or following some engrossing hobby that is often a financial investment. I seldom see women do the same. Personally, I’ve been known to often shop at thrift stores, to only buy sale items, order only water at restaurants, vacation “on the cheap,” and to otherwise deprive myself, always thinking about how to save both money and time. And I experience a certain amount of guilt when I spend money on myself and it’s not for something I need or I judge that I earned.

I remember when I was a poor seminary student and I decided I was allowed to drink coffee at a local café, an activity that was an investment at the time. Even though I could brew it just fine in my apartment, coffee from the café made me happy, and that joy was worth the investment. It was a small investment, one ray of brightness on a day, but I remember the coffee, the aromas in the café, the comfy chairs, and the community I enjoyed as I slowly sipped and savored.

A larger investment for me was buying myself symbolic jewelry. Before I began my PhD program, I bought myself a beautiful amethyst ring to remind me that God provided entrance to the program, and would thus see me through when it was difficult. That ring flashed on my finger, encouraging me as I typed my long dissertation. After each semester of the program, I also bought another piece of jewelry to celebrate the accomplishment, and though it felt lavish, I was investing in and celebrating each step.

The theorists state that in order to be effective, a rite of passage requires the investment of the community. The leaders, the mentors, the alumnae, and friends invest in the participants of Woman, and the participants think ahead and save in order to invest financially. Other readers may enjoy being creative in personal and community investment.

“Self-care also involved investing in oneself. It’s totally fine to pamper yourself here and there because you deserve it.”

It is important to remember that investing in oneself is different from simply investing in “stuff.” The investment is not just financial, for...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• List of Tables
• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Beginnings
• Section 1: Relationship with God
• Section 2: Relationship with Self
• Section 3: Relationship with Others
• Section 4: Relationship with Creation
• Bibliography