Navigating the Nonsense

Church Conflict and Triangulation

Bixby

• Publisher: Cascade Books
• Year: 2016
• eBook ISBN: 9781498228534
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

Navigating the Nonsense will change the way your church approaches conflict and communication. It will unlock the untapped potential that exists in your church. It is a book for clergy and lay leaders. It is for churches tired of getting a new pastor every four years. It is for pastors who are afraid conflict may derail the effectiveness of their ministry. It is for pastors who are afraid conflict with a small group of people may lead to an early departure from their pastorate. It is for church leaders who want to find ways to protect their pastors from disgruntled members. It is for leadership teams and boards that feel their ministries are frozen in place or in a permanent state of decline. It is for those who believe the church cannot focus on ministry if it is bound up by so much conflict. It is for anyone who is tired of feeling frustrated and wants their church to become more centrally focused on Jesus and his way of doing things.

chapter 1

Conflict

As a lead pastor for over twenty years I have experienced church conflict in a variety of forms. I have experienced conflict over such things as the color of carpeting, the size of a refrigerator, levels of compensation, levels of staffing, the type of housing a church provides its pastor, the type of seating we provide for worship, the cost of a furnace, the type of stove we would use in the church kitchen, the type of music we sing in worship, Christmas decorations, the attire for the children’s choir, the night of meetings, the time of meetings, worship schedules, program dates, and the groups we allow or do not allow to use our church building. All organizations, including churches, experience conflict. Conflict is simply a disagreement between two or more parties within a family, community, or organization. Indirect communication and triangulation are the two primary realities that allow manageable conflicts to escalate and become unmanageable. Some of the conflicts my churches have experienced have had to do with the budget and fiscal limitations; others were related to personal preferences; still others are related to mission objectives and priorities. However, in one way or another, all of these conflicts were manageable prior to the complications caused by triangulation.

Resolving conflict involves clearing up misunderstandings and reaching decisions in appropriate ways about important matters. This is where direct communication helps minimize conflicts. Triangulation tends to bring chaos and confusion into already complicated situations. A clear understanding of triangulation can help leaders to know how to navigate these complicated situations in ways that keep conflicts from escalating and taking on a life of their own. Encouraging direct communication is a powerful pathway to manage conflict and to keep it from taking control of our congregations. I have utilized this method of managing conflict for over twenty years, and it has served my congregations well. I hope this book will help you to see how your church can “navigate the nonsense” and improve your communication.

Triangles

When I was a child, my parents informed me that they were taking a trip to Bermuda. They were excited about their vacation, but all I could think about was the rumors I had heard regarding the Bermuda Triangle. The legend was that boats and planes often disappeared when they traveled through this imaginary Bermuda Triangle. My understanding was that there were more boat accidents and airplanes crashes in this area than any other place on the planet. So the last thing I wanted was for my parents to travel through it. I felt they should avoid this at all cost. As an adult, I would not hesitate taking a trip to Bermuda; I would actually welcome it. But I think that the church needs to avoid triangulation with the same amount of fervency that I once felt in relationship to the Bermuda Triangle. When we work hard to avoid triangulation in the church, we avoid both danger and disaster. I have seen way too many ministry ships go down and significant relationships crash as a result of these triangles that threaten our churches. These emotional triangles are real, and the stories are filled with pain.

I want to share a story with you about a church-related triangle I found myself in. Before I do I should give you a little information about myself and the church. I am the Senior Pastor of the Evangelical Covenant Church in Attleboro, Massachusetts. This is an active, established church in the southeastern part of Massachusetts. We have two services, as well as an active Sunday school and youth ministry. Our staff includes me, an Associate Pastor of Youth and Congregational Life, a full-time Director of Music Ministries, and a full-time Administrative Assistant. We have a part-time Sexton and a Director of our preschool and kindergarten. I came to Attleboro in 2008 from Connecticut. I served Salem Covenant Church in Washington, Connecticut for fifteen years. One of the things I clearly learned about triangulation at both of these churches is that there are often good intentions behind the behavior that leads into these emotional triangles. Often the person who creates the triangle is trying to help, not hurt, and this can make “navigating the nonsense” rather challenging.

My good friend D. Darrell Griffin, the Senior Pastor of Oakdale Covenant Church in Chicago tells me that his grandmother used to say, “No one likes change, except a wet baby.” One of the things that was hard for me when I first arrived in Attleboro was making adjustments to a new way of doing things. I was used to doing things one way and they were used to doing them another way. It was hard to keep myself from changing too many things all at once. On a theoretical level, I knew that too much change all at once was not good for momentum. Despite this, I probably changed too much at first, and this amount of change made some people uncomfortable. There was one disgruntled member of the church who went into my associate pastor’s office during the first few months of my tenure to talk about the amount of change taking place. The ironic thing is that she was the last person I would have expected to be uncomfortable with change. She had an adventurous spirit and a high level of energy. So her frustration surprised me. Nevertheless, she went into his office and shared her feelings with him. This pastor and I had already talked about triangulation in staff meetings, and he was excited to apply this theory. He saw this as a prime opportunity to encourage her to share these feelings directly with me, and this is what he did. She informed him that she would talk with me. This made him feel good because it took him out of the middle. So far, so good. But then Jay did something he should not have. He came to me and shared the story about his experience with this woman. This put him back in the middle.

Pastor Jay went on to tell me what she said to him in his office. He did this because he was trying to protect me. He was warning me about the conflict. He was giving me advanced notice. When he did this, however, he connected the dots and completed the triangle. The problem is that this emotional triangle created a significant amount of anxiety in me. I did not sleep well for the next several nights. Actually the person in question never came to speak to me. Apparently, she just needed to let off some steam by sharing her feelings with Jay. Talking with him was her outlet. The triangle would not have been formed if Jay did not tell me about the conversation. He completed the triangle and this created an unnecessary level of anxiety in me. I simply lost sleep, but when triangles like this start to pile up in our relationships, so do the consequences. Mistrust is a slow-growing cancer. The point is that Jay was trying to help, but it ended up hurting. The phrase “lose lips sink ships” comes to mind when I think about these issues.

The worst case scenario, if Jay had not come to warn me about this woman, is that I would have had a difficult conversation with her. I clearly did not need protection from this. As church leaders, we need to allow confidential space for people to share difficult feelings about issues in the church. It is good for people to express their emotions when they experience change and, sometimes, this is all they need to do. In many cases, leaders help simply by listening. When I first arrived in Attleboro, I quickly realized how supportive Jay was of me, and I wanted him to feel my support, as well. We saw this experience of triangulation as a case study, and we learned from it. I am convinced that our relationship became stronger because of the amount of time and energy we spent talking about the ways we should manage information and encourage direct communication.

Pastors and leaders at times need to resist the temptation to protect others if it means forming an emotional triangle. In his book A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman writes,

For leaders, the capacity to understand and think in terms of emotional triangles can be the key to their stress, their health, their effectiveness, and their relational binds. Almost every issue of leadership and the difficulties that accompany it can be framed in terms of emotional triangles, including motivation, clarity, decision making, resistance to change, imaginative gridlock, and a failure of nerve.1

This associate pastor stayed at our church for ten years. During his tenure, we spent a lot of time talking about triangulation so that we could protect our personal relationship and the relationships we had with members of our congregation. I had a great working relationship with Jay. The chemistry between us was good and our trust level was high. He is now the Lead Pastor at a church in Michigan. Avoiding triangulation helped us both to develop relationally and vocationally.

Helping

Trusting that other people can emotionally handle difficult conversations is one of the keys to avoiding emotional triangles. This is true for pastors and lay leaders. One of my first experiences with triangulation was an eye-opening experience for me. It took place when I was a student at North Park Theological Seminary. I was working as a Residence Hall Director at North Park University, which is a Christian college on the same campus as the seminary. My boss was the Dean of Students, and I was supervising several Resident Assistants. These RAs were student supervisors who lived on each floor of the residence hall. They were responsible for helping students get settled into residence life, developing a sense of community on their floors, and making sure the students followed school policies. If a resident on the floor broke a school rule, then the RA would write that student up on a form and turn it in to me. I would then typically pass it on to the Dean of Students. The Dean would call the student into his office and manage the discipline process.

One of the school policies was no alcohol on campus. On this particular occasion, one of my RAs had to write someone up for breaking this rule. She arrived in my office with tears streaming down her face. She was very upset about this experience because it was one of her friends who broke the rule. This friend did not show a lot of respect during the confrontation. These confrontations were never easy. However, teaching young people how to confront was one of the meaningful aspects of this job. The write-up was eventually turned into the Dean of Students, and the violator was called into his office. The Dean chose to be lenient with this young woman and did not fine her or give her any real punishment. The person who received this leniency posted the letter on the door of her dorm room and laughed at the RA because nothing really happened to her. She rejoiced in the hand slapping she received.

The RA returned to my office with a new set of tears streaming down her face. She was obviously upset because of the Dean’s lack of action. The RA did not feel supported by the Dean. I, then, did the right thing. I encouraged her to go and speak directly with the Dean of Students. I said he would probably learn something from the conversation. She quickly agreed and was glad I suggested it. She was going to set up an appointment with the Dean later that day, but I did something that interfered with this process. I bumped into the Dean later that afternoon in the center of campus. I went against my instincts and told him the story about her experience thinking it might prepare him for the conversation he would inevitably have. I was essentially trying to protect him from the difficult discussion with the RA. However, he did not respond well. He was very upset when I told him about this. He said, “I cannot believe that she did not come to me.” I quickly realized I had formed a triangle with my RA and the Dean of Students. I tried to backtrack, but the damage was already done. My actions made this difficult discussion even more difficult and complicated.

If I had stayed out of the middle of this situation, then the RA would have gone to talk with the Dean directly, and I think both of them would have benefited from the conversation. When I got in the middle, I created an undue level of anxiety for the Dean, and this did not have a positive impact on his relationship with the Resident Assistant. I was trying to help, but it ended up hurting. My involvement in this triangle threatened their relationship. This is why avoiding triangular relationships is so important. To confess, I was not only trying to help, I was also trying to appear helpful to my boss. The truth is that I should have allowed these two to have this difficult discussion on their own. They could have handled it, and they would have been better off if I had not gotten involved. I should have avoided the temptation to appear helpful. Avoiding this temptation to give advanced warning will keep us from hurting the ones we are trying to help. Staying out of the middle in these situations enables others to work out whatever they need to work out on their own, in a less complex environment.

Entrapment

A classic story about Jesus being led into the middle of a triangle is the one about the woman who was caught in adultery. The example Jesus set for us in this situation is nothing short of brilliant—it was also beautiful. He utilized wisdom as a pathway for detangling a triangle that had been formed intentionally and maliciously. In John 8:3–11, it says,

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery; and making her stand before all of them, they said to him, “Teacher this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once again he bent down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the elders; and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”

This woman was objectified and used as bait in an attempt by the scribes and Pharisees to entrap Jesus. They used her to form a very intense emotional triangle with Jesus. If Jesus said or did the wrong thing, they would use this against him. This is why he wrote in the sand to delay his response, and it is the reason he made the statement that he made. He said, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” This was his way out of the triangle, and it was the only way he could keep her from being objectified and used as a pawn in their attempt to entrap him.

Jesus’ patience and thoughtfulness extricated the woman caught in adultery from the triangle she was forced into. This gave her a pathway out of the middle of the conflict Jesus was in with the scribes and Pharisees. Some of the conflicts we experience are between individuals. Many, however, are between groups of people or, as it was in this case, between an individual and a group. In this case, the real conflict was between the Pharisees and Jesus. This was why they were testing him. They were using this woman in an attempt to manipulate Jesus into saying or doing something that would get him into more trouble with their group. It was the wisdom of Jesus that allowed him to avoid the triangle and to protect the woman. In the end, he emphasizes that they did not condemn her. He sends her off and says, “Do not sin again.” He was able to keep the sit...

Table of contents

• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Conflict
• Chapter 2: Compromise
• Chapter 3: Cooperation
• Chapter 4: Collaboration
• Chapter 5: Creativity
• Chapter 6: Community
• Ministry Repercussions
• Bibliography