There are no Right Answers to Wrong Questions

15 Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Live a Christian Life

Peter C. Wilcox

• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781498289948
• eBook ISBN: 9781498289955
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Theology

Abraham Joshua Heschel said that, "We are closer to God when we are asking questions than when we have the answers." He believed that to be a Christian is not to be a person who knows all the answers but one who "lives in the part of the self where the question is constantly being born."Most of us don't think very much about our questions. In our culture, we are accustomed to being able to find out answers to nearly any question just by typing it into Google search or asking Siri. But behind any answer, there is always a question. Sometimes, the question isn't clear to us; sometimes, it is not very well articulated, even to ourselves. But it is always there.In over thirty years as a psychotherapist and spiritual director, Peter C. Wilcox has seen how the questions people ask themselves have shaped their lives in some very important ways. This book is an invitation to see how important it is to learn how to ask the right questions about our lives. This is because our choice of questions leads us on a path of discovery towards answers that help us to grow spiritually and psychologically. Our questions orient our lives and give direction to us. We will see that they enable us to make fifteen choices that have a tremendous impact on the kind of person we become.

1

Reasons Why People Ask The Wrong Questions

“We do not err because the truth is difficult. It is visible at a glance. We err because it is more comfortable to avoid it.”

—Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Famous author and holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel describes a very poignant conversation in his book Night. One day when he was twelve years old, Elie asked his father to find him a master who could guide him in his studies of the Kabbala. His father told Elie that he was much too young to be studying the Kabbala. So Elie found his own master—Moche the Beadle, an old man who lived humbly and was very poor. One day, when Moche saw Elie praying, he asked him, “why do you pray?” Elie responded, “I don’t really know why.” After that day, Elie and Moche would often get together to talk about their Jewish faith. During their conversations, Moche explained with great insistence that every question possessed a power that did not lie in the answer. “Man raises himself toward God by the questions he asks Him,” Moche was fond of saying. “This is true dialogue. Man questions God and God answers. But we don’t understand His answers. We can’t understand them. Because they come from the depths of the soul, and they stay there until death. You will find the true answers, Eliezer, only within yourself.” Then Elie asked Moche, “and why do you pray?” He replied, “I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions.”1

Although I read this statement over thirty-five years ago, it is still something that I have never forgotten. Moreover, I have often used it in many talks and retreat conferences. Moche prayed so that God would give him the strength to ask the right questions about life. He wasn’t praying for an answer to any particular question, he wasn’t praying for any particular need or person, but only for the strength to ask the right questions. Moche knew that if Elie did this, he would find his own answers within himself. His response was almost identical to Rilke who told his friend Kappus that there is only one way forward to find answers to your questions and that is to go into yourself.

For each of us, it is so important to ask the right questions in life. It’s something we all need to learn how to do, and for most of us, it doesn’t come easily. In fact, in our Western society, we pride ourselves on discovering answers, not on having questions. Moreover, many of us rarely reflect on the questions we ask about life. However, so often in life, it is our choice of questions that leads us on a path of discovery toward answers that often have a significant impact on our lives.

A. Personal Challenges

One reason why there is so much confusion in life—including the life of the Church—is because we are trying to find answers to wrong questions. For example, in the debate about abortion, you will inevitably come up with very different answers depending on whether you begin the discussion with the question, does a woman have a right to choose or to make decisions for herself, or the question, when does human life begin? Or take the example of two people thinking about getting married. If they are concerned about their compatibility, they might ask themselves, and each other, shouldn’t we live together first so that we have more time together to see if we are compatible? This obviously leads to a different answer from asking themselves how they can grow and mature in their relationship within the context of Christian moral principles. Again, it’s the underlying question that leads to a very different answer.

So, why do people ask the wrong questions? And, why is it so difficult to learn how to ask the right questions about life? Because each of us is unique in so many ways, there can be many factors. Here are three reasons that affect many of us.

1. It’s difficult to be honest with ourselves and with our motives for doing things

Being truly honest with ourselves is very challenging. For example, some people already have the answer they want and then they formulate a question that leads them to their preconceived answer. In over thirty years as a psychotherapist, I have seen this happen many times. For example, someone who is having an affair, might look for reasons why he or she should become separated or divorce. Or, in business, someone who wants to make more money, might ask the question, isn’t everyone earning some money and not reporting it to the government? Or a high school student who wants to go to college, and knows how competitive it is, might think about cheating in order to get better grades. He or she might ask, everyone else is doing it. Why shouldn’t I?

2. Challenge of “the more”

A second reason why it is difficult to ask the right questions in life is because of what the Jesuit theologian Karl Rahner called the more. He believed that the Lord is always inviting us to grow in a life of generosity, to give the more. But the more for each of us can mean many different things. In fact, it will certainly change in many ways as we journey through life. For the rich young man in the Gospels, the more was to give up his riches and come follow Jesus. We know from his response that he wasn’t ready to do this and so, he walked away sad (Luke 18:18–23). However, Jesus didn’t go after him trying to convince him to come back. He knew this person wasn’t ready for this challenge at this point in his life. And what about the poor widow in Mark’s Gospel (12: 41–44)? The more for her was to give the little that she had. When we see the response of Jesus, it was almost as though he was saying to his disciples—come over here and see what generosity is all about. It is not a matter of giving a lot of anything. Rather, “truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For all of them have contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on” (Mark 12: 41–44). Generosity is not measured in terms of quantity.

If we believe that the Lord is always inviting us to a life of generosity in some way, then we will watch for the right question to emerge within ourselves. And like the poor widow, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean a lot of anything.

3. Fear of the unknown

The unknown in our lives is always difficult to handle constructively. And for some of us, fear of the unknown can keep us from asking the right questions in our lives. Most of us are more comfortable with what we know. Sometimes, it might be difficult to deal with the known in our lives but at least it doesn’t generate the same kind of anxiety that dealing with the unknown does. As the eminent family therapist Virginia Satir said, “most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.”2

Sometimes, this fear of the unknown can make us reluctant to even try and ask the right questions in our lives. We are not sure what the Lord might ask of us and there can be a part of us that doesn’t really want to know. Why? Because if we knew, we might be afraid that we would respond like the rich young man did—and walk away sad or simply say no. So, there can be a real tension, a real battle going on inside of us over asking our right question. Take, for example, a young person trying to figure out his or her vocation. A young man wants to live a life of generosity, of giving the more to the Lord. Part of him feels drawn to the priesthood or religious life, and part of him wants to continue his college life, dating his girlfriend, and preparing for a career. Like the rich young man, he would have to give up many things if he responded to the call to at least investigate the priesthood. So, because this question stirs up a lot of anxiety, he might decide to try and put it out of his mind and not think about it anymore. There is a real tension and struggle going on inside of him.

B. Cultural Challenges

Every generation needs to understand what is going on in its own culture. Why? Because every person is greatly influenced by the culture they live in, probably more than they realize. And this is so true in our own Western culture today. The major trends in our contemporary culture have a huge impact on the kinds of questions we ask about life that will allow us to grow spiritually and psychologically.

Jesuit spiritual writer and scientist, Teilhard de Chardin, was asked one time why so many sincere, good people did not believe in God. He answered in a very sympathetic, non- judgmental way. He felt that they must not have heard about God in the correct way. Maybe we also struggle with this idea today.

Many good, sincere people struggle today with finding God attractive. It’s not necessarily that He is unattractive. It’s just that today, in our culture, He is competing with so many other distractions that appear to be more attractive than God. Jesus knew this was important. One time, in Matthew’s Gospel, He said, “wherever your treasure is, that is where your heart will be” (Matt 6: 21). Jesus realized that wherever our treasure is, wherever our heart is, that is what is important to us. That is what we will give our time and energy to. That is what will give direction to our lives. That is what will form the basis of the questions we ask about life and eventually, the choices we make in life.

Besides the struggle to find God attractive, many people also struggle with their faith in general, as well as their churches. A number of factors contribute to this: the pluralism of our age which doesn’t want to be confined to any one belief system; the individualism of a culture which makes family and community life difficult; an anti-church sentiment within both popular culture and the intellectual world; an ever growing tension between those who see religion in terms of private prayer and piety and those who see it as the quest for equality and justice.

We also live in an age in which people find it difficult to make choices. Many of us like to keep our options open. Medieval philosophy said that every choice is a renunciation. In fact, every choice is a thousand renunciations. To choose one thing is to turn one’s back on many other things. To marry one person is to not marry all the others. To have a child means to give up certain other things. To pray might mean to miss watching television or going out with friends. This makes choosing difficult. No wonder we struggle so much with commitment. It’s not that we don’t want certain things, it is just that we know that if we choose them, we close off so many other options.

The problem is we want so many things. For example, we might want to be a saint, but we also want to feel every sensation experienced by sinners; we want to be innocent and pure, but we also want to be experienced and taste all of life’s pleasures; we want to serve the poor and have a simple lifestyle, but we also want all the comforts of the wealthy; we want to have the depth afforded by solitude, but we also do not want to miss anything; we want to pray, but we also want to watch television, read, talk to friends, and go out. Small wonder we are often tired and feel overextended. In this milieu, it is difficult to ask the right...

Table of contents

• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Reasons Why People Ask The Wrong Questions
• Chapter 2: Questions in the New Testament
• Chapter 3: Learning to Ask the Right Questions
• Chapter 4: Fifteen Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Grow Spiritually and Psychologically
• Conclusion
• Bibliography