The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People

Your Transition as Your Partner Transitions

D.M. Maynard

• Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9781784506728
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy Counselling
• Index: Psychology

Partners of people in transition go through their own transitions and may or may not be conflicted as to whether they will remain in their relationship. This unique self-help workbook was created for and focuses on the partner's perspective and own journey. By providing the support and structure needed for partners to reflect, this resource helps navigate the unexpected transition that affects both of their lives.

Providing an essential tool that is currently missing, this book gives guidance and advice specifically designed for this situation, alongside activities, quizzes, and personal anecdotes. By combining portions of the author's self-exploration-as the partner of someone who began to transition after 17 years of being in their relationship- with the experiences shared by those who attended her workshops, this workbook examines the challenges, uncertainties, and possible grieving some partners experience throughout the transition process. With space for responding to reflective questions, exercises and games, this workbook offers partners a safe haven to discover their own wants and needs and will be of interest to both couples and individual counselors.

Chapter 1

YOUR PRIVATE SPACE:
AN INTRODUCTION

IN 2010, my partner of more than 17 years told me he was transgender. I had no idea what this meant or how it would affect my relationship and my life. That being said, no one is more surprised than I that one day I would have both the clarity and opportunity to share what I have learned from the experience of loving a person who transitioned while we were together. My greatest hope is that my journey, and the journeys of those who have so bravely shared their stories with me, will bring you, the partner, a sense of comfort and the knowledge that you are not alone. I want to emphasize that anything I voice is simply my path combined with the stories of others and is not intended to suggest that your path will necessarily be the same as mine or anyone else’s.

I never want to pretend that moving through the transition was easy or painless for me. Nor do I ever mean to imply that I am proud of the way I handled myself on many an occasion. When I think back now, there were moments when I am embarrassed by my thoughts, actions, or words, but there were far more times I was courageous, loving, caring, protective, and supportive. In time, many days were filled with pure joy and celebrations. There is no script or perfect way to travel this road as the passenger while someone you love deeply finds their destiny during the transition process.

As I was looking for support during this time, I desperately tried to sort out all the changes that were occurring. I had wished for a workbook that offered me a private place to express my thoughts yet afforded me some type of structure as a partner of someone in transition. Everything I found focused on the person who was transitioning or transitioned. The only resources I found that included information for partners always placed emphasis on how the partner could help or support the person who was trans-identified. Rarely, if ever, was there space or room for the needs and feelings of the partner.

Then I thought, “How could the experiences that partners have had and are living through be teachable moments to anyone else?” First and foremost, I am a teacher! For more than 30 years I was a classroom teacher, guiding young minds and encouraging them to become lifelong learners. Implicit in the title of educator is a need to protect and nurture those who were under my care. Ensuring a space that fostered tolerance and was free of judgment afforded my students an opportunity to grow from every situation they encountered. As a classroom teacher, my mission was less about teaching and more about questioning, so that those learning, in essence, were their own teachers through exploration. Knowing this, whenever something occurs in my life, I ask myself: What are the lessons embedded within the moment? This is always followed by self-reflection, which has enabled me to draw my own conclusions. Instinctually, I had to become the student, so that I could navigate where I was going and the path I would follow to get there.

This self-reflective workbook is born of my personal desire to offer what I learned from my experience as a partner and is based on a multitude of requests of the people who have taken my workshops at conferences throughout the world. I have compiled and incorporated all the questions, exercises, and tools that were used during these workshops, which partners expressed were helpful. This resource has something for everyone, but not every part will be necessary for every person. Take what you want and leave the rest behind. There are no rules or absolutes in reference to which exercises, tools, or questions to reply to now or if ever. Respond to those that speak to you and your needs.

The chapters are presented in the workbook in a specific sequence, which made sense for what I would have preferred in a resource to guide my journey as my partner transitioned. It should be stressed that you may choose to use this workbook out of order, for each chapter stands independent of the others. As part of your process, it does not matter the order in which you journal the questions you opt to answer from each chapter. You may not be ready for some portions, you may be past others, or you may be right on time for exactly what is being offered. Skip those that do not apply to you at this time. Some questions may become more relevant later on during the transition, while others may never be necessary for you to answer. The choice is always there to add to your responses or reply in a completely different way as time goes on. If you find a later chapter discusses a topic that addresses your needs, move on to that chapter.

Remember to take breaks when you feel it is necessary and know that it is possible to return to any question when you feel refreshed. Make time to go for walks, watch television, or do other things that comfort you. Keep in mind that journaling can be very helpful, provide clarity, and be extremely cathartic; it can also be exhausting, foster ambivalence, and be extremely emotional. Knowing this, I included a Deserving De-Stress Delights section in each chapter, offering specific ways to refocus your energy from the transition and channel it towards finding a place of inner peace and calmness.

Do what feels right and helpful to you. You cannot make a mistake and your thoughts can remain private. No one ever needs to know your entries; however, if, at some point, it feels comfortable to share your journaling with either your significant other or a trusted individual, the option is available to you. This decision is solely yours to make. The routes I took and even the wrong turns I made were all part of the journey that has led me to the privilege of writing this workbook. The life lessons I developed over time can now be shared with others. The intent of this journal is simple: to create a space that feels safe, right, and honorable for all partners, as they map out their own path. The questions posed and the exercises and tools provided within this workbook are those I asked of others and used myself. I realized the answers were always inside of me, as they already are inside of you, waiting to be written down.

AUTHOR’S DISCLAIMER NOTES

• These terms will be used to refer to the non-transitioning partner: the trans partner and partner.

• These terms will be used for the person in transition: trans-identified partner, transgender individual, and significant other. There will be times when the partner not in transition will refer to the person in transition as: partner. Please note that these terms also include those who identify as: crossdressers, gender nonconforming, gender nonbinary, gender fluid, intersex, transsexual, and questioning people.

• For some people, the transition process continues throughout their lifetime; for others, they consider the transition over once all the social and/or medical interventions they desired are in place. For the partner, the duration of the transition process of their significant other can be connected to one of these two circumstances or based on the period when the major focus of the relationship is on the transition. Many partners I know or who have attended my workshops refer to their relationship in terms of before, during, and after the transition, referring to “after” as the period when the topic of the transition is no longer front and center on a daily basis. Therefore, many of the questions that include periods of time may use the phrase “before, during, and after.” You may choose to respond in terms of this sequencing or elect to answer only in terms of “before and during.” I include this disclaimer to acknowledge and honor those for whom the transitioning period is never over; for whom the term “after” may never apply.

• It is recognized that more than one person in the relationship can be transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) or in transition. This workbook is offered from the perspective of the partner who is in a relationship with someone who is now trans-identified. The workbook is intended to help anyone who is searching for a reflective resource in respect to their partner’s transition.

• In reference to polyamorous relationships, monogamous couples, or the primary partner/s in the relationship: the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook can be used by anyone, whether you are the primary partner or not. Although the word “couple” is the main word used in reference to the relationship, these practices can be used for whatever configuration your relationship takes. The word “couple” refers to two individuals in relation to each other, but I acknowledge that those two people can be in multiple and/or open relationships throughout, before, during, and after the transition.

• In reference to the stage you entered the relationship: this workbook is intended to be useful for those partners who were in the relationship before the transition was known, for those who were present during the transition, and/or for those who were in the relationship after the transitioning was completed. The focus of most of the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook is for those partners who were in the relationship before and during the transition. However, several of my workshop attendees have expressed that they have been useful for those who have entered the relationship post any medical and/or social aspects of the transition and for family members or friends.

• LGBTQ and LGBTQQIA+, or other variations, will be used as inclusive terms for anyone who identifies on the continuum; the term used is never meant to exclude or offend any person or group that prefers one variation of this umbrella term over another. Its usage will reflect the details of the story or something specific to the passage it is contained within. The key is that the partner’s needs, best interest, and/or perspective will be the focus in each and every instance.

• Length of relationship: this workbook is intended to be used by partners irrespective of the duration of the relationship, whether it is long-term or short-term.

• This book does not provide medical or legal advice. The information contained in this book is for informational purposes only. The opinions expressed in this book are those of the author, and any ideas or suggestions contained in the book are based solely on the author’s experiences. This book is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or legal advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new healthcare regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read in this book. In addition, you should seek the advice of legal counsel familiar with the subject matter and authorized to practice in your jurisdiction before acting or relying upon the opinions and information presented in this book.

CONTENTS OF THE CHAPTERS

1. Your Private Space: An Introduction

This chapter serves as an introduction that will explain the structure and purpose of the book. The workbook will serve as a place free of judgment for you, the partner, to journal your own journey and support your process throughout the transition. It is a self-reflective, private space where you can voice any of your thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, worries, confusions, joys, and celebrations in writing. Each of the following chapters will focus on one or two critical aspects of the transition that may affect the life of the partner.

2. Unexpected and Confused

These partner-specific questions, exercises, and vignettes will focus on the possible initial fears, thoughts, worries, and concerns that partners may experience once they learn their partner will transition. The tools will be based on such topics as safety issues, the validity of the relationship, self-doubts, and the unknowns of the relationship now.

3. Who Are You?

This chapter will confront the challenges some partners experience when asked to address the...