Broke or Broken?
Itās a nice day ā the sun is shining hard. As I lay there with my eyes closed, I can feel the hot beaming rays stinging my skin. I see palm trees, blue skies with even brighter water; itās so clear I can actually see the fish approach the shore. The sand is massaging my back as I lay there allowing Godās creations to bless me.
Suddenly I feel sad. I know what youāre thinking: why are you sad in paradise? As I look around this foreign place I donāt see anyone that looks like me. Iām alone. Sad and overwhelmed with emotion because I left everyone back home. Why couldnāt I bring them with me? My whole life I wanted to escape the place I felt kept me trapped. Now that Iām away, guilt consumes me. Iām empty.
I start to think about my ancestors. I wonder if this is how they felt during the Underground Railroad. I mean, clearly everyone couldnāt be saved and not everyone could come. When they finally made it to safe houses, did they grieve the ones they left, or the ones they lost? Did guilt consume them too? A cold tear slides down my cheek all the way to my neck and causes me to shiver. The heat around me isnāt enough to melt the coldness my heart feels. Frozen. Free yet trapped in my thoughts. I begin to cry for the brothers and sisters I left.
Suddenly someone calls my name. I turn to see no one there. I hear it again. Still nothing. Then it gets closer and louder.
āKahlua ā¦ KAHLUA! ā¦ Kahlua Tiana Thomas!ā (Only I would be lucky enough to have an alcoholic mother that named me after her favourite drink.)
āWhat?ā I reply with so much sarcasm Iām surprised she doesnāt slap the attitude off my face.
āWhat did you just say, little girl?ā
āUhm ā¦ I mean yes, Mom.ā
āGet your ass up and get ready for school. What ā you thought you was special or something?ā
Reality hits: Iām not in paradise; Iām still in the projects. Laying in a busted-up bed beside a window with sheets for curtains. I start to cry for real this time, but my tears arenāt cold anymore ā theyāre warm because Iām so angry. Not because I left anybody but because I feel left. Like someone else got up out of here and went to paradise without me.
As I get up and get ready for school I canāt think about anything else except the fact that I hate it. I hate everything these days and no, itās not because Iām going through my teenage years. I just hate life. I canāt remember any happy moments. I canāt even remember the last time I smiled. Here itās just me and my mother. She didnāt want kids ā I was the mistake she couldnāt get rid of. I feel like every day she reminds me of her resentment. I cook, I clean, and I shop for groceries whenever her cheque from welfare comes in. The majority of that money gets spent on liquor, can you believe it? Our fridge carries the bare necessities yet we have a bar in our kitchen. Itās bare too but not because she doesnāt buy any liquor but because she drinks it all with her āfriends.ā I basically raise myself and thatās still not enough; itās like my existence annoys her the most. I hate my mom. You probably think thatās sad to say but itās true. She calls me names, she hits me, and sometimes she locks me out the house.
Whereās my father? I wonder where he is my own self. When I was little I used to get on my knees by the edge of the bed and pray to God that heād come and save me. He never did. My mom blames me for that too. She said the moment he saw me he walked out the door and never came back. Way to kill a childās spirit ā because of that I barely look people in the face when I talk to them, especially if I like them because Iām afraid theyāll leave. Sometimes people, like the elders in the community, think Iām being disrespectful, but Iām not.
I hate myself too. I often think what life would be like if I wasnāt here. Maybe my mother would have never met my father, never had a baby, never started drinking, and she would be happy.
I tried to kill myself once. Okay, twice. The second time I was nine years old, I heard about kids getting bullied and killing themselves. I thought these kids must be crazy. You mean to tell me someoneās picking on you and youāre not fighting back? Plus youāre going home where you have a mom and dad that love you, supper cooked, a nice room, money, and youād rather be dead? Hell, letās switch lives: you come here and let me go there. Iāll beat someoneās ass every day to live that life.
Where Iām from kids make fun of each other all the time. We literally talk about each otherās mothers, fight, get up, and move on. In the black community youāll catch an insult faster than youāll receive a compliment but we deal with it. Having a mother that doesnāt acknowledge you, living in a crooked neighbourhood, choosing which meal is the most important āCause you know you wonāt get all three ā now that is some suicidal...