The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.Thomas Paine
Allie walked down the street as if she didnāt have a care in the world. Her brown hair was blowing in the breeze, and her long, stylish pants exposed just a peek of her designer heels. The little knowing smile she wore told a story of its own. It was as if she had a special secret and was fooling the world by keeping the information to herself. She did, in fact, have a secret. A lot of them, actually. But no one would ever guess the secrets her smile contained.
Not too many years ago, if I had passed Allie on the street, I would have smiled at her, all the while desperately wishing I looked like her with those long legs and all that obvious confidence. I would have guessed that she lived in a luxurious condo downtown with daily housekeeping and an indoor parking spot for her fancy car. I would have assumed that she had a husband who adored her and would do anything for her, someone who smiled as he brought her coffee in bed every morning. In short, I would have assumed that Allieās life was perfectly perfect.
And I would have been wrong. No oneās life is perfect. āPerfectā just doesnāt exist. Letās go back to Allieās story to see what lay behind that secretive smile.
Okay, I can do this. Allie thought to herself. I was a hot mess yesterday when I walked away from the party, but I am not going to let that define my day. Today is a bright new day, and I am going to conquer my fears.
Allieās mind went back to the monthly office birthday party that took place at the end of the workday yesterday. Her stomach sank again remembering the moment when she walked into the conference room and saw her colleagues divided into groups of friendsānone of which she fit into. Everyone was already at the party when she arrived, and it felt as if she were back at the high school dance. Groups of three or four were huddled in the corners, talking and laughing as they ate their cake. Not a single person glanced at Allie as she went over to the cake table. She walked away without grabbing a piece because her stomach was in knots.
Allie overheard bits of the conversation happening in one corner of the room. Three of the women who work in her department (the three who seem to hate her the most) were giggling about something. Allieās ears perked when she heard her name. Honing in on that conversation, she heard bits and pieces.
āShe wonāt even eat the cake. She thinks she is too good for our mere mortal food.ā
āWhat is her problem? She walks around like she is the queen of the office, but she never talks to us.ā
āI bet she will get that promotion. She gets everything she wants.ā
If they only knew. If they only asked. She would tell them. Maybe she should march over there right now and tell them what her life is really like, why she is so quiet and why their gossip felt like acid poured onto a raw wound. Allie took a step in their direction. And then promptly stepped right back, turned around, and walked out of the room.
Allieās childhood had been hard before her brother left, but after he left, her life became unbearable. He was her protector, and without him, her family crumbled into dysfunction. Her mom had balanced three jobs her whole life, and although she loved her kids very much, she had nothing left for them when she finally got home from work. Allie and her brother had had to depend on themselves and on each other. Allie had learned how to make macaroni and cheese when she was four years old.
Allieās dad left before she was born. Her brother could still remember him and had memories of a time when they were all happy and did family things that Allie had only ever read about in books. They went to the park, took weekend getaways, and had Sunday meals with extended family. Allie loved hearing those stories, loved thinking that there was once normalcy in their family. It gave her hope for her own future.
Her brother had tried to create some of those experiences for Allie by doing things like taking her to the nearby playground and teaching her how to play basketball. Those were some of the best memories from her childhood. That, and school. School had been an escape for Allie. She felt normal there. Better than normal, actually, because she could excel at school. School hadnāt come easy for Allie, but she quickly learned that by trying hard she earned her teachersā attention, and she thrived on their praise.
Allie was in eighth grade when her brother went away. She still doesnāt know the full story because he wonāt talk about it with her, but she had learned some of it through the local news. Her brother and a few friends broke into a house and one of her brotherās friends had a gun. She knew that her brother had nothing to do with that part. He couldnāt have anything to do with the gun. Her brotherās friend drew the gun on the homeowner when he unexpectedly came home in the middle of the robbery.
Allieās mom had been no help during the whole ordeal. She was barely able to function in their day-to-day life, but the situation with her brother had pushed her over the edge. There were many nights that Allieās mom had just cried and rocked on the couch for hours. She wouldnāt talk to Allie for days. That was when Allie began to withdraw from the world. She understood that she was all alone, and that if she didnāt want to get hurt again, she needed to shut out the world and rely only on herself.
Allie dug in and worked even harder in school after that. She graduated as class valedictorian and went on to attend her local college with a full scholarship. Two years ago she got this great job and has been working her way up the ranks in her company. Lately, though, her insecurities had started getting the best of her. Once again, fear of rejection and hurt enticed her to withdraw from others. She knew that it wasnāt good for her, but old habits die hard. And the glares and gossip of the cliques around the office were not helping. At all.
I wonder if Allieās colleagues would they treat her differently if they knew her story. Man, I hope so. If not, all hope might be lost for them. It is unfortunate that people like Allie who have experienced trauma in their lives often experience additional trauma because of people like the colleagues in Allieās office. Misunderstandings and assumptions continue a spiral of negativity and hurt. The question is, how can we stop this cycle? How can we instead support one another to live hopeful and effective lives where we feel a deep sense of belonging on a daily basis? I wonder if thereās someone in your life whose behavior irritates or even hurts you? Could there be something going on in his or her life that is causing or has led to that behavior? If you knew that personās story, would you treat them differently? My guess is that if you were to look at everyo...