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CHAPTER 1:
No Manâs Land
Suicide loss broke you. It pushed you out of your old life and into the center of the unknown. Youâre shocked, terrified, angry, and confused. You might be afraid to open your eyes in the morning. You might be scared to leave your house. The world as you once knew it changed with a single decision. Youâre devastated and heartbroken. You and your life will never be the same.
I know youâve been shattered and left to pick up the pieces.
I know youâre living in a nightmare of shock, disbelief, and despair.
I know youâre questioning how youâll ever survive the pain.
I know youâre barely breathing and itâs all you can do to get out of bed every morning.
I know your sobs are so deep you think your heart might explode.
I know safety and predictability have been replaced by terror, panic, and anxiety.
I know the pain in your chest is your heartâs desperate protest to hang on when itâs forced to let go.
And I know youâre blaming yourselfâŚ
but it wasnât your fault. I promise you, it wasnât your fault.
I know this because I lost my sister Elizabeth to suicide and survived two suicide attempts of my own in the late 1990s. Iâm not proud of this fact, but it does give me a different perspective. I offer my experience to shed some light onto the darkness of yours.
Suicide is a solitary act. Itâs also, very often, an impulsive one.
Even if you knew your loved one was struggling with a troubling life event, illness, depression, or other mental illness, there was no way to monitor their every move. There was no way to ensure their safety, to be certain that they were taking their medicine as prescribed, or that they were having productive conversations about what was bothering them.
Their suicide wasnât your choice. It was theirs.
Despite everything we can control, we canât control the beliefs or actions of others.
Believe me when I tell you their suicide likely wasnât the result of a single event. Hopelessness tends to build over time, as does the exhaustion which accompanies the fight to stay alive, and thereâs no way to ever know the secret life that exists between a personâs ears. You can drive yourself to the brink of insanity trying to figure it out.
They likely couldnât express the depth of their pain and believed there were no other options. I know that place: the place of exhaustion, emptiness, and desperation. The truth is by ending their own pain, they only passed it on to you, and youâre the one left to clean up the mess. You have every right to question, rage, and recoil. It isnât fair, and you donât deserve this. It might even feel like a punishment, and your rage is justified. I pray you will give yourself permission to feel it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Every feeling has a purpose and youâre allowed to experience them all in your own way.
After suicide loss, thereâs a natural need to blame. When weâre trying desperately to make sense of a desperate act, itâs normal to want to know why it happened or what made someone choose death over life. When pieces are missing from any story, the brain automatically tries to fill in the gaps. (Thatâs its job.) Unfortunately, people are complex and the answers for why and what might never be known. This is a scary and desperate place. This not knowing can be excruciating, making you feel as though you and your life are hanging in the balance. And there are always more questions: Why couldnât I help her? Why wouldnât she talk to me? Why didnât I know how desperate she was? Itâs easy to get lost in this black hole of despair. Crushed, raw, and confused, youâre left to navigate the wreckage of your current reality and what will now never be. Itâs a slippery slope, and I recommend offering yourself a little grace right off the bat. Release your need to know the answers to all the whys. One day you will know, and the answers might surprise you. Things are seldom as they seem on the surface. The longer I live, the more I wake up to this reality.
The Cost of Grieving Alone
Above all else, I want you to know you arenât alone. Iâm here to assure you: Surviving suicide loss is possible. You can, and you will, eventually find equilibrium again, but you need to reach out for support as soon as possible. Thereâs no time to lose, because an irreplaceable life is at stake: yours.
I want you to take this very seriously. Suicide grief is messy and complex.
Many feel they canât or âshouldnâtâ share their burden with others because itâs too heavy, even for them. They fear judgment, shame, and blame. After all, if theyâre having trouble comprehending and carrying this load, how will anyone else be able to deal with it? Trust me when I tell you, though, that silence can be deadly. It serves no one and, in the end, hurts everyone. Youâre currently sorting through this wreckage, and itâs time to end the cycle, not only for your sake, but for the sake of your entire family. The risk of suicidality rises in family members who have suffered a suicide loss or have family that made suicide attempts. Survival is serious business. Donât risk becoming another statistic. Know, above all else, whatever youâre feeling is normal and needs to be expressed.
The fact is, it takes a small army to successfully navigate the unpredictable storms of complicated grief. (Never underestimate the power of numbers. If one person should tire, another can step in.) Just be sure to choose carefully, and know youâll be better able to weather the waves when you assemble adequate supports early on.
âOne of the realities of grief and loss is that the rest of the world seems to keep on going forward, while we feel like weâve been stopped in our tracks.â
â Alan Wolfelt
Something seems amiss when life marches on as usual after a loss.
I wondered why the sun shined so brightly the day of my sisterâs funeral. Didnât God know He was supposed to deliver raging thunderstorms that day? Hail? Damaging winds? It wasnât supposed to be sunny! That made it seem like any other day. The world didnât seem to notice or care that my sister was gone, and while I knew she was in a better place, it didnât seem that God cared either.
Knowing Iâd lost my oldest sister, Sue, nineteen years earlier, a friend of Elizabethâs mentioned at the memorial that I might want to solicit outside support to deal with my second tragedy. That was my plan, but I knew Iâd better follow through because the universe always speaks through others. (My faith mightâve been shaken, but it wasnât completely gone.) I also knew I had long history of anxiety and depression. I couldnât afford not to get help, and I donât doubt for a moment that my supports saved my life.
Yes, Iâd been through loss before, but Elizabeth was alive when Sue died, and we were able to help each other through that pain. As sisters, we also had each otherâs stories along with mutual memories between us to keep her alive. That in and of itself helped us to heal faster. There is always strength in numbers. This time, though, I was alone.
Nothing in the world couldâve prepared me for facing this experience again on my own. Both of my sisters were dead, and I felt like an orphan: lost, confused, and empty. Suddenly I was eight years old again, in their closet hiding from the monsters.
Grief offered me no mercy. It hit hard, waking me up to my nightmare each morning with the inevitable light of day. I only felt safe in the dark sanctuary of my bedroom and, even then, I couldnât sleep. It hurt too much. I hurt too much.
People who havenât experienced suicide loss often fight to understand it. Their well-intentioned questions and comments can come off as callous, trite, or downright insensitive. Unfortunately, suicide and mental illness continue to be stigmatized and met with judgment by an unwitting society. Itâs hard to believe but, even today, some religions teach that those who complete suicide end up in hell. Stay as far away from these people as possible. These beliefs will only derail you and your delicate process.
Someone close to me once mentioned that, âWe could forgive [my] sister because God had probably forgiven her.â Probably? And for what, exactly? Making an emotionally loaded, split-second decision based on the distorted beliefs she bought into that day? People do that all the time! The only difference is most donât end up dead as a result. No, I donât believe for a moment God judges anyone based on decisions made from confusion and brokenness. He knows the heart, and He cares for the broken.
The world can be cold, but itâs only due to fear and confusion. Unfortunately, thatâs not much consolation when youâre in the throes of grief. There will be people who avoid you because they wonât know what to say or how to act. Give them the benefit of the doubt if you can and lean in to the ones who find a way to understand. Above all else, follow your gut, and know you donât ever have to abide by anyone elseâs timelines. Grief has its own timeline, and it isnât âBe Healed in 30 Days or Less.â Grief is a marathon, never a sprint. The world might want you to âhurry up and get over it,â but your heart is begging you to slow down, listen in, and ask for help. Please take heed. It knows exactly what it needs.
My Wish for You
I wanted to write this book to speak my truth: Grief is only love in another form. Itâs the process of letting go of the body, but not of the relationship. Your loved one lives on⌠in your heart, your mind, and your soul. You are inextricably connected. Your beloved can be as close or as far away as you wish. You get to decide. You are in charge now.
This is your sacred time to grieve what was and to figure out what you want for your future. I pray youâll choose to become your own best friend, advocate, and lie detector. I hope youâll forget about other peopleâs preconceived notions about who you are and who you should be and learn to stand firm in what you know for sure. Yourself.
I know youâre shaken and youâre scared. Youâre wondering if youâll ever be okay again. You might be questioning everything and everyone you thought you knew. I know I did. What I didnât realize was I knew myself and my situation better than I initially believed. Things arenât always as they appear on the surface, and the truth has a way of revealing itself, in time. It must reveal itself. Itâs the universal law.
You will get through this, and you wonât have to do it alone. Iâll teach you what Iâve learned about love, loss, and life, and together, weâll find a way back to normalcy.
For now, please know itâs enough just to be. You are enough, and youâre right where you need to be. Put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. Breathe. Do only what you need to do, and then do the next thing. I know youâre terrified. I know itâs taking every ounce of strength you have just to survive the day. I know the unbearable weight of your loneliness, and Iâm familiar with the gaping void of emptiness. ...
