Do you remember the birds-and-bees talk your parents gave you when you were a kid? It's probably one of those conversations you've tried to repress because it was so awkward. Or perhaps your parents never even bothered to have “the talk” with you.
I remember what happened when I asked my mom where babies came from. She answered that a man and woman lie together and “make love.” I'm not kidding – that's all she said. She didn't even follow up with one of those books that parents give their kids when they're too uncomfortable explaining how sex works.
If grades were given for this parental duty, my mom would've gotten a D at best. I have three kids now, so, clearly, I figured out how babies are made – no thanks to my mom, though. But as a mother myself, I recognize how awkward the conversation can be and why plenty of parents try to dodge it.
So what does this have to do with talking to your parents about their finances? A lot.
Sex and money are two of the most taboo topics. However, many people seem to be even more uncomfortable talking about money. A 2016 survey by Care.com1 found that more than half of parents would rather have the sex talk with their kids than talk to their parents about money and aging issues.
A survey by personal finance website GOBankingRates found that 10 percent of Americans are more comfortable talking about their romantic life with their parents than their parents' finances. And 9 percent said they'd rather talk to their parents about their parents' romantic life than ask them about their finances. Who are these people? I totally understand that asking your parents to share details about their finances can be awkward. But I think it would be a lot weirder asking your mom or dad for details about their love life.
Sadly, though, when it comes to having money talks with their parents, many people appear to be taking the approach my mom used for the birds-and-bees talk. They're avoiding the conversation. The GOBankingRates' survey found that 73 percent of adults haven't had detailed conversations with their parents about their finances. One of the most common reasons respondents gave for not having a money talk with their parents is because they're afraid to bring up the topic.
So what is it about this conversation that seems so intimidating? Here is just a small sample of what people have said about why they are afraid to ask their parents about whether they have enough money to support themselves in retirement, who will make financial decisions for them if they no longer can, what happens to their assets when they die, or what their final wishes are.
- “I still find it challenging to speak about money with my parents. We can discuss religion, politics, and relationships, but money remains a taboo subject,” Jason said.
- Olivia said she's tried to have conversations with her mom to find out how she will support herself in retirement. But her mom always changes the subject. “I'm kind of afraid to ask more specific questions,” Olivia said. “I don't want her to be offended. I don't want her to feel like I'm being nosy.”
- “I really don't like those conversations,” Noah said about discussing his parents' wills. “I'm really not fond talking about the death of my parents as a potential thing.”
- Talking about money with her father has never been easy, Meg said. It's a conversation she knows she needs to have now that he's approaching 70, has unstable finances and long-term health problems, and is in a second marriage. But she's afraid. “Discussing the full scope of his finances, along with how he and my stepmother have discussed their planning in light of our blended family composition, has been intimidating enough that I've shied away from approaching it with him.”
You might share some of these fears, or perhaps you have your own reasons for not wanting to talk to your parents about their finances. But unlike the birds-and-bees talk your parents might have avoided with you, you can't let fear prevent you from having a money talk with your parents. Don't assume you'll just figure out the details of your parents' finances without their input the way you might have figured out how to have your own kids without a sex ed talk from mom or dad. You will be much better prepared for any role you'll have to play in their financial lives as they age if you get a dialogue going.
More importantly, you need to recognize that your fear of how your parents will respond to your questions about their finances is much worse than what will actually happen.
YOUR FEARS VERSUS REALITY
That scenario you've been playing out in your head probably won't materialize. If you have a decent relationship with your parents, you'll find that asking them about their finances won't erupt into a screaming match. In fact, they likely will be grateful that you're looking out for their well-being.
If your relationship with your mom or dad is strained, it might not be quite so easy. But rather than let your fear of what might happen if you ask about their finances prevent you from talking to your parents, remember that the reality might not be so bad. At least, that's what the people who shared the following stories discovered.
- Fear: My parents will think I'm being nosy.
- Reality: They might be glad you asked because they had been meaning to talk with you. Even parents who are reluctant to talk might be grateful, in the long run, that you took the initiative to have a conversation and help them with money issues.
As an accountant, Lisa had always been comfortable talking to people about money. However, it wasn't a conversation she wanted to have with her parents. “You want to make sure they are financially secure but don't want to appear too nosy,” she said.
Lisa had to push past that fear, though, when it became obvious that her aging parents were living in a home that was too expensive and difficult for them to maintain. “My siblings and I all wanted them to move to a retirement-type village that would take some of that stress off of them,” she said. “Mom was open to the suggestion, but Dad had always owned his own home and thought renting was a terrible idea.”
So she sat down with them and their checkbook to total up how much it was costing them to live in their home. Then she prepared a budget showing how much it would cost them to live in a retirement community. “They were shocked how close the numbers were,” she said.
But her dad still wasn't willing to move, even though he had been battling prostate cancer for years and his health was going to make it difficult for him to stay in his home. “I had to pull out the big guns to convince him the move was necessary: ‘Dad, you'll need a wheelchair soon and these 1929 doorways aren't big enough,'” she said.
“He answered, ‘I'm still feeling pretty good. I want to wait until I'm bad,'” Lisa said.
“'If you wait that long, you'll be in nursing care instead of independent living,' I reminded him. ‘Then Mom won't be able to be with you,'” she told her dad.
That did the trick. Lisa's father agreed to move. After living in the retirement community for a month, he pulled Lisa aside to tell her thank you. He said he was glad to be in a place where he could look around and not see things that needed to be done that he couldn't do anymore.
“Sadly, we lost Dad earlier this year. But because he was in a place where we could roll in the hospital bed and use hospice, he got his wish that his wife and children were at his side,” Lisa said. “My best advice to anyone with aging parents is to start the conversation early, before significant life changes are occurring and talk about the ‘what ifs.’ Dad's stress level would have been greatly reduced had we moved him years before.”
- Fear: My parents will think I'm being greedy.
- Reality: If you make it clear that you're asking about their finances out of concern for their well-being, they will see that you have their best interests at heart – not just yours.
When Becky was in her late 20s, a family friend who had been sick for several years died. Becky started thinking about how the woman and her family had time to prepare for her death and started wondering if her parents, who were in their 60s, had taken any steps to ensure a smooth transition of their assets when they died.
In particular, she wanted to find out whether her father, who is a self-employed musician and writer, had plans for how she and her siblings should handle his business if something happened to him. She was nervous asking this because she recognized it was an uncomfortable topic and didn't want to look like she was just after an inheritance. But she realized that if she didn't initiate the conversation, no one else in her family would.
“I brought it up casually with my parents with my siblings present,” Becky said. “They first laughed it off, asking if I planned on getting rid of them.”
She wasn't motivated in the least by greed – but rather concern – so she kept at it. “I brought up our family friend and how she was able to plan and prepare,” Becky said. “I said that, of course, I wasn't trying to get rid of them, but we – the kids – should know what they both want.”
Becky's parents told her and her siblings that they should just let their lawyer and accountant handle the business. But a couple of months later, they told Becky that they had met with their attorney to update their wills to name her executor of their estate. Her parents said that she and her siblings would become board members of their father's company when they died and that their house should be sold and the profit should be split among them. “...
