Kindness

Change Your Life and Make the World a Kinder Place

Gill Hasson

• Publisher: Capstone
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9780857087522
• eBook ISBN: 9780857087669
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Communication & Public Speaking

Rediscover kindness and rediscover your worth

Have you ever helped someone out of instinct, because not helping never even occurred to you? Remember how surprised you were at their gratitude? It is easy to feel like kindness and gratitude are becoming rare in the world today, but the truth is that it is all around you — you just need to learn how to see it. Kindness shows you how to do just that, and inspires you to take part with tips, ideas, recommendations and advice. You will learn to see yourself and your surroundings in a kinder, happier way.

Kindness is not people-pleasing; people-pleasing comes from a place of anxiety, while kindness is borne out of empathy. Kindness expects no reward or recognition, and is just as beneficial to the giver as the receiver. Kindness can be a grand gesture, or something as simple as a smile. It can be quiet or loud, simple or complex. This book helps you internalise the fundamental truth that kindness does not require wealth or possessions, or material giving at all — whatever you have to offer is enough, and it may just change someone's life. Learn how to:

• See the silver lining and take care of yourself in difficult times.
• Do and say kind things when you're not feeling very kindly.
• Sustain the warm feelings that come from helping others.
• Express kindness even when other people are rude or critical.
• Enjoy self-care and treating yourself.

Opportunities to be kind present themselves every day, and here you'll learn how to notice them. Your self-esteem and confidence will grow as you discover the pure joy of helping others, and you'll feel more comfortable allowing others to help you. In a world where kindness seems to get lost in the shuffle of worry, anxiety, aggression and worse, Kindness shows you how to bring it back into the light. 

PART 1
Being Kind to Others

1
Being Kind

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

You have the power to make the world a nicer place!

Being kind – being aware of, and doing something nice to benefit, someone else – can make both you and the person you are helping feel good.

Of course, holding a door open for someone or waiting your turn in a queue is being nice. In fact, just like saying please and thank you when you request or receive something, or saying ‘excuse me’ to get attention, holding the door open or waiting your turn in a queue is just plain good manners. So is asking people about their lives and interests, not just talking about your own.

As small children, we’re taught good manners – we’re told to say please and thank you, not to interrupt someone when they’re talking, to share our things and to apologise if we do something wrong. We’re constantly reminded to be polite and courteous.

What makes for good manners varies from culture to culture – in many societies it’s the custom to remove your shoes before entering someone else’s home. In some cultures it’s considered rude or offensive to extend your left hand, rather than your right, in greeting. And if you’re invited into someone’s home, it’s impolite to come without a gift. But wherever in the world you are, good manners are simply showing basic social skills and consideration.

So how is kindness any different? Kindness happens when you make a situation easier or less difficult for someone. Kindness involves selfless acts that either assist or lift the spirits of someone else. Kindness, like good manners and consideration, comes from a position of goodwill – wanting to do good, to do the right, proper, honourable thing. But acts of kindness are often less automatic and less formal than good manners. Kindness can be planned and thought out in advance, but often kind acts are spontaneous.

There need be no reason to be kind other than to make someone else smile, or be happier, but acts of kindness can also enable others to feel respected and included; to feel that they are connected to others, that they belong and are appreciated.

Whoever we are, whatever our position in life, the one concern we all have in common is how we behave towards others. We can relate to others from, for example, positions of indifference, greed, jealousy or hatred. Or we can relate to others with kindness, consideration and compassion.

What gets in the way of being kind?

Are you aware of how you relate to others throughout the day? Is it with kindness? Every day, there’s potential for kindness in pretty much every encounter and interaction with other people. Often, though, we hurry through our day so focused on what we’ve got to do that the opportunities to interact kindly with others – with an assistant in the shop or cafe, the receptionist at the front office, an irritating family member or troubled colleague – are often forgotten or even deliberately ignored. We’re just too self-involved.

Of course, you probably don’t find it easy to be kind when you’re wound up, tired or stressed. It’s not just you though. We all find it difficult to think in kind, helpful ways when we feel stressed and overwhelmed. In all of us, the part of the brain (the amygdala) that’s triggered when strong emotions arise – when we feel wronged in some way or when we feel stressed and agitated – is different from the part of the brain (the neo-cortex) that operates in rational and reasonable ways and enables us to remain calm, thoughtful and considerate.

When we feel emotions such as anger or guilt, when we’re stressed or upset, it’s not easy to be kind and considerate because the amygdala has taken over. Our ability to think in a clear, calm, rational way has been switched off.

When this happens, it’s not easy to notice that someone might be in need of kindness. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. In fact, on occasions like these – when you’re angry, stressed or upset – forcing yourself to do a small act of kindness can actually be the catalyst that precipitates a change in how you’re feeling.

But it’s not just being stressed or too busy that gets in the way of being kind. There are other reasons. Perhaps you hesitated to reach out with an act of kindness because you didn’t think it would make much of a difference to the other person.

Or perhaps you weren’t sure how the other person would take it; you were worried you’d say or do the wrong thing. You knew they’d had some bad news but you didn’t want to say the wrong thing. You didn’t want to upset them further, so you said nothing. Maybe you had an opportunity to be kind, but you thought the other person might think you were being patronising – you didn’t want to risk offending them. Maybe, for example, there was an occasion when your offer to help someone carry something resulted in the other person snapping, ‘I can do it myself. I don’t need your help thank you very much.’ So the next time you saw someone struggling to carry something, you looked the other way.

Perhaps, though, you just don’t want to get too involved. If, for example, you were to offer a colleague a lift home from work one day, that might set a precedent; the other person might expect you to do it regularly. How will you get out of that? Wouldn’t it be better just not to offer in the first place?

Yes, there are often difficulties and challenges to being kind, but you can take a positive approach; believe and expect that you can often do something kind, that you can make a difference, you can see the best in others and give others the benefit of the doubt. Even if you think a kind act won’t matter or make that much difference, even if others reject your kindness, you know you did the right thing.

Kindness often requires courage. And courage is a strength. You can be kind and strong. Kindness has power and potency.

But maybe you think that by being kind you’ll be susceptible to being hurt or taken advantage of. Isn’t kindness all give and no take? Sure, in many situations, you take the risk of being had; there will always be someone who will try and take advantage of your kindness and generosity. But being kind is not being a doormat, it’s not people pleasing. It doesn’t mean always helping out either. It means doing what you can, when you can. It’s not about duty or obligation. (That’s a whole other issue!)

Kindness isn’t about being responsible for other people’s happiness. Kindness is about recognising that you can make a contribution – play a part – but not have to be completely responsible.

Limits of kindness

Having limits to your kindness protects you from being overly caught up in other people’s feelings and situations. Limits help you to avoid constantly dropping what you’re doing or what you need in order to accommodate someone else’s wants and needs. Establishing and maintaining limits is not about turning your kindness off – you can still understand and identify with someone else’s situation and associated feelings – you just don’t have to feel obliged and totally responsible, that you have to do something kind to help.

There’s a difference between being kind and being a people pleaser. People pleasers look for approval and validation from others; they involve themselves in other people’s situations to improve their own self-worth. People pleasers are submissive and enable others to take advantage of their eagerness to please.

There’s also a difference between being kind and being a rescuer: taking over and saving others from their situation. Rescuers just have to step in; they need to be needed. Rescuers turn other people into victims.

Kindness is not about constantly putting other people’s needs before yours. It’s simply about considering and connecting with others; being aware of when you could make a situation easier or less difficult for someone, make them smile and lift their spirits, help them feel that they belong and are appreciated.

Benefits of kindness

There’s no doubt, though, that doing something for someone else does make you feel good. Make someone smile and you’ll feel better for having done so.

A study conducted by a University of Pennsylvania research team, headed by Dr Martin Seligman, looked at the effects of writing a thank you letter and personally delivering it to someone who had never been properly thanked for their kindness. In other words, performing an act of kindness and gratitude towards someone who had themselves been kind. Participants who did this were able immediately to experience an increase in happiness scores, with benefits lasting for a month after.

Being kind takes you out of yourself; it opens you up to others and broadens your perspective. In order to be kind, you have to make an effort and be aware of what’s happening around you; to be aware of what’s happening for other people.

Kind gestures free you from focusing on yourself and enable you to reach out to someone else.

As the author Daniel Goleman says in his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, ‘When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.’

Kindness is attractive; it makes people want to be around you. They appreciate what you’ve done, so they want to spend more time with you.

Kindness helps people feel respected, valued and worthy. It helps them to feel connected to ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• PART 1 Being Kind to Others
• Part II Being Kind to Yourself
• Useful Websites
• About the Author
• Index
• EULA