I'm aware of so many oddities in communication. Why, for instance, did someone thank me for helping them make the best decision of their life on an occasion when I'd offered neither advice nor sympathetic words? And why did a friend come out with a form of words not even strictly connected with our conversation that unblocked a stuck feeling I'd had for a long time? Why did I feel a beautiful shiver of connection with someone during a conversation that superficially had merely been about the best time to visit Crete? And why did I get goose bumps in the silences between words in a conversation with someone?
Maybe you recognise that frisson of something shared? I have encountered it at different times in my life. Several years ago, on a course, chatting with a fellow participant for the first time, something about her words and attitude touched a chord so that I felt I had known her for a long time, and I went home buzzing with the energy of the encounter. I had the feeling sometimes also as a child, when my mother spoke to me about this and that at bedtime. I recall a tingling feeling of timeless pleasure and of not wanting the moment to end. There have been other times when someone has spoken to me of something personal to them and I've known that no response is needed, just my listening. What they are speaking about doesn't even have to be anything particular. It's sufficient that they are absorbed by it, and I am connected to them in their absorption, inside their space.
Frisson of Connection
Before we go further, recall for a moment times when you've felt a special connection when you communicated with someone.
- Remember a time when you had a conversation that felt especially enjoyable or remarkable. Maybe it felt more real, more three‐dimensional somehow, than normal encounters? Or maybe an ordinary conversation miraculously lifted off to another plane and it was as if a veil had lifted between you? You felt a thrill of pleasure like waves of energy running all over your skin and you felt intensely alive.
- Spend a moment or two remembering the occasion and capture the feeling you had at the time.
- Ask yourself, what gave you pleasure? What made it exceptional? Accept whatever answers pop up in your mind.
In such conversations you are met in your soft centre, that beautiful, timeless part of you. From time to time, through such communion, where two people draw close, something creative is generated, some idea, some insight, some glimpse of new wisdom or truth.
You may find my opening story inconclusive, even trivial, and a long way from what you've understood about communication, particularly business communication. A common received view is that communication is about having opinions, knowing what you want and ‘getting your message across'. But there's a huge gap between people hearing what you say, even appreciating aspects of it, and their connecting with you – let alone acting on what you say or changing their thinking or attitude because of it. Most talk – in meetings, the boardroom, presentations, conferences – doesn't cross that gap, however fluent your language, firm your voice and confident your physiology.
Clearly, conversation has unexplored depths that are not covered in simple manuals on small talk or conversational skills. For just as surely, my most productive conversations have been capable of breaking any of the usual ‘rules of conversation', such as clarity of purpose, sharing of time, use of questions to elicit information, avoidance of silence, focus on meaning and so on. Those who inspire and kindle new thinking are doing something different – fundamentally different. Genuine communication is about crossing that gap.
We all struggle with communication at times. Do you sometimes find yourself in a situation where you'd like to say something but don't know what to say, or you know what you want to say but can't find the right opportunity to say it? Have you chatted to someone, wanting to connect with them, but realised you weren't really communicating with each other at all?
When you examine communication, you might be struck by the artificiality and sheer awkwardness of many interactions, even between people who are accomplished in the art of conversation. The truth is that many interactions are less than authentic, as people tend to operate from habitual positions largely beyond conscious awareness – to fit in, please people or avoid embarrassment, look knowledgeable, be admired or seize business advantage.
In the final chapters of my last book, The Art of Conversation, I began to explore some of the ways we can connect more deeply and fruitfully with each other. But communicating at that level doesn't naturally result from increased competence. We talk about communication as if it's a skill you can acquire step by step, and to an extent that is true: there is much you can learn that will make your conversations more fluent and satisfying. But there is the uncomfortable truth that, however much you may hone your skills as a communicator, no matter how interesting your facts, however fascinating your stories, even how well you share the conversation, deeper more meaningful communication does not naturally follow on from conversational competence. It requires something rather different.
