We all have different ideas of how to be happy. Some work — sort of, or at least part of the time. Others don't. In fact, sometimes people can make themselves royally miserable in their misguided quest for happiness. (They can make life tough going for others too!)
We humans are complex creatures with a vast host of needs and desires, biases and beliefs, often wrestling with each other behind the mask we wear for the world. Some of them we can articulate; others we can't. But they are there nevertheless, in the background, out of sight — often even out of our conscious awareness — guiding our choices, directing our actions and steering us away from anything that might be perceived as remotely threatening to our safety or sense of identity. It's why, despite the pickle some people can get themselves into they continue to do more of what's already not working in the naïve, if not deluded, hope that eventually it will.
The reason is simple: whatever we're doing, it is always meeting a need on some level. A need for belonging, approval or admiration. A need for security, safety or certainty. A need for prestige and power. A need for pity, to prove our unworthiness or to validate our powerlessness.
Of course, that's not to say we don't have other higher level needs and desires — for growth, for giving, for exploring, for expressing ourselves fully in the world and leaving a legacy for those we leave behind. Or, at the very top of Maslow's pyramid, for enlightenment. It's just that if we aren't clear about what inspires us most deeply, what we want our lives to stand for in the highest order, our most primal fears, lower level needs and superficial desires will override our deepest ones. As the saying goes, if we don't stand for something, we can fall for anything.
The ever-growing levels of depression and workplace disengagement are testament to this. Millions of people got out of bed this morning and went to work to do a job they feel little or no passion for beyond the money it provides and with no real plan to change their situation. They'll do the same tomorrow. And the day after that. For many, it will continue this way through the best years of their lives as they count down the days until their retirement. Ignoring the siren call of their souls, they sacrifice their deepest longings on the altar of status and security.
It's why living a deeply fulfilling life begins by getting real about what we want it to stand for. Too often the biggest life decisions people make (from the career they pursue to the person they marry) are guided more by what is expected or expedient than by what lights them up. It's why so many people live their lives by default rather than by design, semi-sleepwalking through each day with a general sense of malaise. The noise of their busy industriousness drowns out the quiet voice emanating from the depths. Unsure of what they want their life to stand for beyond the outward success our culture exalts, their desire to look good and feel safe overrides any aspiration for contribution and soul-level satisfaction.
It's why the universe has somehow conspired to land this book into your hands. To expand and fortify your highest aspirations lest your life inadvertently be shaped by your smallest fears.
In The Road to Character, David Brooks wrote that ‘the central fallacy of modern life is the belief that outward success, with all its grand accomplishments, can produce deep satisfaction'. It's why we have ever more the means to live, but ever less the meaning to live for. With no clear sense of purpose, our smallest fears and desires lead us down the path of least resistance, maximum comfort and lowest risk. A path that never ends anywhere inspiring.
By virtue of the fact that you are reading this now, in your heart you know that you want to live a life that lights you up: a life that is more than getting by, more than looking good, more than feeling comfortable or fitting in.
You might not be sure what it is — yet — but what I know in my own heart as I write this now is this:
You want to live a life that matters; to leave your own imprint on the world for the time you're graced to be here.
It's why investing time to get clear about what you want your life to stand for will lead you on a path to more authentic happiness. (So if you haven't yet grabbed a pen, now's the time!) Because no book, no coach or expert authority or bestselling guru can ever know what is the best path for you. You alone hold the answers you've been searching for. It's just that sometimes you have to do a little more work to dig down to find them, and have a little more patience than you've been endowed with (I speak from experience here!).
Time will march steadily on regardless of whether you are pursuing a vision that inspires you or mindlessly moving through the motions each day on autopilot. Getting clear about the highest vision for your life — what you want it to stand for — will help you lay your vulnerability on the line for something more important. It will guide your choices, fuel your bravery and enable you to keep sight of the big picture when the pressures of daily living threaten to pull you down into the micro-drama of each ‘screenshot' along the way.
