Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns

A Schema Therapy Self-Help and Support Book

Bruce A. Stevens, Eckhard Roediger

• Publisher: Wiley-Blackwell
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781119162827, 9781119162773
• eBook ISBN: 9781119162810
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Clinical Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Schema Therapy (ST) was developed to treat patients with complex disorders, especially personality disorders, with a powerful new set of interventions. Personality disorders, as well as more general problems stemming from early experience and addressed by schema therapy, are a key factor in many disturbed relationships, and as a result ST is now increasingly used for couples work. By dealing effectively with the past, ST offers a unique way to approach and address present difficulties in relationships, Couples who understand their individual patterns of thinking and behavior tend to find that their relationships make much more sense.

Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns is a readable, practical resource containing a wealth of self-help exercises that schema therapists can recommend or give to their patients. It is the ideal resource for couples undergoing schema therapy, ­and can also serve as an accessible self-help guide for those experiencing relationship difficulties. The authors offer a complete ST-based model for understanding complex personal problems, along with couple-specific adaptations of core ST interventions such as limited reparenting, imagery re-scripting and behavioral pattern breaking.

1
Schema Therapy: Toward a Science of Relationships

There are many “flat earth” theories of relationships. They’re limited and prescientific, and what doesn’t fit falls off the edge!

Think about how the various approaches are classified. Ask what is the focus—and what is ignored. This selective mapping is characteristic of almost all therapies: One may closely follow thoughts and forget about feelings, while for another the goal is opening up the emotional depths, and a few put behavior under the spotlight. But, speaking generally, the most important reality‐that‐doesn’t‐fit is the influence of personality disorder on intimate relationships.

Personality Disorder

Ask any experienced therapist what is the greatest challenge in helping a couple and you’ll soon hear about problems in personality. Usually, this dimension is central to volatile relationships and disordered thinking. This includes the emotional instability of the borderline, the withdrawal of the schizoid, the self‐focus of the narcissist, and the “moral insanity” of the psychopath. In this book, we keep returning to the “hard cases” because such challenges will always make or break committed relationships.

Character problems usually last a lifetime. This is another way of describing personality disorder, with the result that relationship difficulties are inevitable:

Larry was a spendthrift. He was very impulsive, and soon there was conflict with Amanda, his wife. She attended church and wanted to give regularly. But, as she expressed it, “Larry buys things without any thought for our commitments. Bills are left unpaid. This is not a responsible way to live.”

The novels of Jane Austen are helpful in thinking about the importance of character. Look at any of her popular books, such as Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, or Mansfield Park. Romance, yes, but it’s soon tested by character.

Reflect: Think for a moment about a previous romantic relationship that failed. Make a list of the problem areas. Tick any item that describes a lack of character. Are you reminded of Mr. Willoughby or Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility?

Also: Watch a film based on a novel by Jane Austen and discuss the role of character with a friend. How does lack of character result in unhappiness in their relationships? Follow this carefully: It’s true in Austen’s novels but also in life.

Theoretical note: You may find it puzzling that we begin this book with such an emphasis on the dynamics of personality. The reality is that personality problems are usually ignored in self‐help literature. But unless you become aware of your personality traits, understand them as reactions to childhood experiences, and start working on them, they will influence and undermine all your attempts to improve your relationship. It’s like building sand castles: They might look nice for a moment, but the tide will wash them away and you’ll find yourself repetitively in the same life‐trap. So first start working with what is most enduring about your own personality.

Research indicates that features of personality disorder are very common in the general population. Only 23% of people are relatively free of them. Indeed, over 70% have some degree of personality disturbance. This is why it’s essential to take dysfunctional aspects of personality into any comprehensive theory of change. And it also explains why a “strong” therapy, such as schema therapy, is so necessary—and why this book is potentially so different.

First, we outline schema therapy and its clinical perspective with schemas, and then we look at the legacy we all carry from childhood. We then look at the complexity of couple dynamics seen in modes and suggest powerful ways to change entrenched patterns of dysfunction. Finally, we look more deeply at emotional learning.

Schema Therapy: Mapping the Bad Lands

Schema therapy offers a comprehensive map. The central idea is to identify how we’re vulnerable to patterns (schemas) created in childhood and adolescence. Schema therapy doesn’t just describe but provides a powerful therapy leading to lasting change—even with the most unstable and difficult of problems. Schema therapy deals with problems largely ignored by mainstream cognitive therapy: the processing of troublesome memories, difficulties coming from childhood, uncontrolled emotional reactions, and recurrent problems in intimate relationships. Indeed, it combines the depth and developmental theory of longer‐term treatments with the active, change‐oriented approach of short‐term therapies.

When you learn to recognize your reactions and understand their origins, things will begin to make sense. This is a good starting point for self‐compassion and self‐acceptance. And you can share this understanding with your partner, too! Better yet, you’ll find in schema therapy practical tools that can intercept habitually negative interactions and open the door to new ways of relating. Few therapies can offer schema therapy’s proven potential for change.

Theoretical note: Where does schema therapy fit? In what part of the therapy “library” is this book? Schema therapy grew out of cognitive therapy. The cognitive approaches, with a focus on thoughts, have the advantage of conceptual clarity and ease of understanding. Aaron Beck initiated the “cognitive revolution” and developed the extensively researched cognitive behavioral therapy for the treatment of depression. This approach was then applied to the whole range of psychological disorders. While cognitive behavior therapy proved effective with a range of human problems, it wasn’t as helpful with the personality disordered. This recognition of its limits led to the development of “stronger” therapies, including schema therapy.

Schema therapy is highly integrative. Indeed, Young outlined parallels and differences with major therapies, including Beck’s “reformulated” model, psychoanalytic theory, Bowlby’s attachment theory (especially internal working models), and emotion‐focused therapy. There has also been an influence from gestalt, transactional analysis, and psychodrama. Schema therapy, in contrast to most cognitive therapies, has a greater emotional focus and willingness to explore the childhood and adolescent origins of psychological problems. There’s a shift from current problems to whole‐of‐life patterns. Additionally, there are a breadth, applicability, and ease of understanding that encourage a broader application. While dialectical behavior therapy was developed to treat borderline personality disorder, schema therapy works with almost all kinds of personality disorders.

Schemas in Focus

While Beck referred to schemas, he used the term to describe clusters of negative beliefs. Jesse Wright noted that people typically have a mix of different kinds of schemas, including those that are positive and adaptive. Even people with severe symptoms or profound despair have adaptive schemas that can help them cope.

Jeffrey Young thought that dysfunctional schemas develop as a result of toxic childhood experiences. They reflect the emotional wounds lasting from unfulfilled but important needs of the child and are a way of coping with negative experiences, such as family quarrels, rejection, hostility, or aggression from parents, teachers, or peers, as well as inadequate parental care and support.

Reflect: Can you identify a negative childhood experience? How did you cope at that time? Do you think that this has influenced how you react to similar stresses today?

Schemas reveal underlying assumptions. This is more than negative thoughts (“Things will never work out well”). It’s more than rules (“Don’t get angry with your father”). At the schema level, core beliefs are unconditional (“I am worthless”). Schemas are like short video clips storing complex memories, including intense emotions and bodily reactions. They affect the whole person. Once they’re activated, you travel back through a time t...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Table of Contents
• About the Authors
• Introduction
• 1 Schema Therapy
• 2 Past Tense, Present Tense
• 3 Attraction, Romance, and Schema Chemistry
• 4 Back to the Future
• 5 Modes
• 6 Mode Awareness
• 7 Managing the Modes
• 8 Past Tense
• 9 The “Great Escape”
• 10 Meeting the Needs of Your “Inner Child”
• 11 Mode Change
• 12 Putting “Healthy” Back in Your Adult
• 13 A Clear Path
• 14 Looking at Sex Through the Eyes of the Modes
• 15 Affairs
• 16 Emotional Learning
• Epilogue
• Index
• End User License Agreement