How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You

Practical Solutions for Today's Diverse Workplace

Kelly McDonald

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781119369967
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Commerce
• Subtopic: Leadership

If you're in a diverse team, you know employee differences can cause miscommunication, lower trust, and hurt productivity... It doesn't have to be this way!

The people you work with may be from a different generation, different culture, different race, different gender, or just a different philosophy toward work and life in general, but you need to work together toward a common goal. How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You explains how to dial down the differences, smooth out the friction, and play upon each other's strengths to become more effective, more productive, and less stressed. The keys are to find the common ground and identify hidden conflicts that are hurting productivity.

Many people shudder at the prospect of working with diverse groups of people, but they can't voice their fear or anxiety. At work, it's not OK or politically correct to say, 'I'm uncomfortable with this person.' In fact, if you do say something along those lines, your job may be at risk. Your company may terminate you for not being on the 'diversity bandwagon.' So you keep quiet and you keep your thoughts to yourself. But deep down, you are uncomfortable.

If you feel like this, it doesn't mean you're racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic, or any other negative label. It means you're struggling.

You're struggling to understand people, cultures, or values that are unfamiliar to you. You're struggling to do your job with teammates and coworkers who may have very different viewpoints or different approaches to communication than you have. You're struggling to overcome differences and pull together to achieve high performance at work.

Whether you're leading a diverse team, working in a challenging cross-cultural environment, or simply working with people who are 'not like you, ' you need to be able to get along with everyone as a team, to get the work done. This book explains the skills you need to communicate, motivate, and inspire people to collaborate—even if they have very different values, lifestyles, or priorities.

• Learn key steps that bring cohesion to diversity
• How to have a constructive conversation about working alongside people who are different
• The four magic words that make this easier and smooth over friction
• What not to say—and why
• Learn to set aside differences and get things done
• Learn how to handle a racist, sexist, homophobic or offensive remark in a professional way
• Retain your sanity when colleagues drive you crazy

The changing demographics of today's workforce bring conflicting viewpoints, perspectives, approaches, skills, habits, and personalities together in one place; whether that leads to synergy or catastrophe is up to you. How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You helps you turn a hurdle into an advantage so you or your team can do more, achieve more, and enjoy the ride.

PART I
Working with People Not Like You: How to Build Relationships and Foster Connections across Different Cultures and Values

CHAPTER 1
“I Used to Just Be Able to Do My Job—Now I Have to Be Politically Correct”

You've probably heard the line that goes something like, “Work is hard—if it were easy, it wouldn't be called “work!” How true. I don't know anyone who doesn't work hard, who doesn't feel pressure at work, who feels 100 percent secure in their job at all times. Work can be a stressful place these days. Between layoffs, downsizing, “right‐sizing,” corporate acquisitions and consolidations, wage or salary restrictions, budget tightening and trying to achieve company goals, everyone is doing their best just to get through each week. As an employee or leader, you work hard, do your job and you learn to adapt to change.

But these days, it's not just management or policy or budget changes you have to adapt to. You look around your workplace and your coworkers look increasingly different. Different from you. More diverse. You're expected to work with people who aren't like you. Or you're expected to lead people who are not like you. (If you're responsible for leading a diverse group of people at work, this book will help you with concrete, tested steps and solutions that will provide direction for effectively building trust, resolving conflict and creating a productive team. Part II of this book is specifically for people like you and you can skip straight to Part II to learn how to lead diverse teams.)

Maybe your coworkers are of a different race or ethnicity. Perhaps they hold different religious views. Maybe they're from a generation you don't relate to. They may not speak English well. Perhaps they're from another country or culture that is unfamiliar to you. Or they're the opposite gender and you've never understood the way they think.

Yet you're expected to be a team player. In fact, you're expected to embrace this diverse team. You're told that your company is progressive and that diversity is good. And, heaven forbid, if you express anything other than sheer joy at the prospect of working with diverse groups of people, then you're out of line. Something must be wrong with you: you're racist. Or sexist. Or homophobic. Or intolerant. Or inflexible. Or “behind the times.” Or you just “don't get it.”

At work, it's not okay or politically correct to say, “I'm uncomfortable with this person.” In fact, if you do say something along those lines, your job may be at risk. Your company may terminate you for not being on the “diversity bandwagon.” So you keep quiet and you keep your thoughts to yourself. But deep down, you are uncomfortable.

If you feel like this, it doesn't mean you're racist or sexist or ageist or homophobic or any other negative label. It means you're struggling.

You're struggling to understand people or cultures or values that are unfamiliar to you. You're struggling to do your job with teammates and coworkers who may have very different viewpoints or a different approach to work than you have. You're struggling to overcome differences and pull together with different people to achieve high performance at work. You're also likely suffering from what I call “diversity fatigue.”

DIVERSITY FATIGUE—WHY PEOPLE ROLL THEIR EYES WHEN THEY HEAR THE WORD “DIVERSITY”

I do a lot of professional speaking on this topic and I have learned to avoid the word “diversity” because of people's reaction to it. I used to do keynotes on a topic called “Diversity in America” and slowly, over a few years, I saw interest in the topic decline pretty substantially. I suspected the reason, but talking with a client one day confirmed it. She said, “It's a great topic, Kelly, and an important one. But I fear our conference attendees won't come to the session if they see that as the title. People are burned out on diversity. They think it's going to be some HR lecture and they've heard it all before. Can you call it something different?”

I changed the title to “The New Demographics” and BAM! I started getting booked for that topic like crazy. It was the exact same content, but with the word “diversity” in the title, it just wasn't generating much interest. My client was right: people who work have been coached and conditioned to accept and embrace diversity on the outside, but inside, they're over it. They've heard the lectures; they've been through the training; and they're simply tired of the subject, even though it's an important one. They have “diversity fatigue.” Because they've heard so much about diversity for so long, they tune out. They're either bored with the topic, or they think it doesn't apply to them. They've been hammered at work (and in society) that we are all one big, happy world and that people are all the same. But we're not.

Today's workforce is made up of people who come from different backgrounds, different places, different skills, are of different generations, have different religions, values, and cultural norms—even our approach to work can be different from one another. All of this can seem foreign to you because it is foreign to you. The only lens you have to view the world through is your lens. You only have your frame of reference—you have no idea what it's like to be somebody else or think like someone else. So when you're confronted with someone whose actions, culture, style of dress, approach, nationality, language, religion, sexual or gender identity, color of skin, gender, or age is “foreign” to you, it's no surprise that you may feel uncomfortable.

Yet, if you express that, especially at work, people think there's something wrong with you—the “Diversity Police” make it seem like you're the one with a problem. You must be “old school” or racist or sexist or “something‐ist” if you express any kind of discomfort or lack of understanding when faced with coworkers who are different from you. You may even get in trouble and be reprimanded, disciplined or put on probation if you speak up about any discomfort you feel. So you keep quiet. But the discomfort doesn't go away.

Even those who aren't the least bit uncomfortable with people from different walks of life have diversity fatigue. One of my dearest friends, Robert Swafford, is incredibly outspoken about everything and he never minces words. He embraces all kinds of people, has a wide group of diverse friends, is inclusive and progressive and everything you'd hope a great employee in today's workforce would be. But he exclaimed to me one day as we were discussing this topic, “For crying out loud, can we please stop talking about diversity? Let's just go to work, respect each other, and figure it out as we go along! We get it!”

Even if you're one of the ones who “gets it,” the word “diversity” still carries a lot of baggage. It's not that people don't respect different cultures, races, ethnicities, and norms, it's just that there has been so much focus on diversity that people are simply tired of the subject, even though it's an important one.

That's one of two reasons I don't like the word “diversity.” The second reason is because, in my experience, people tend to think too narrowly about the word. They default to thinking about diversity in terms of racial and ethnic differences.

My definition of diversity is “any way that you can be different from me.” For example, if you have kids and I don't, we're going to be very different: we will have different priorities and face different pressures. The decisions that a parent makes will likely vary significantly from those that a nonparent makes. When you become a parent, your entire focus shifts, because it has to. Parents think about and evaluate everything differently than people who aren't parents. But that difference has nothing to do with race, ethnicity, or even gender. It simply has to do with parenthood versus nonparenthood.

THE NEW DEMOGRAPHICS

I prefer to talk about diversity using the phrase “people not like you.” Every day, you are surrounded by people who are not like you. Sometimes the differences are obvious, such as a different skin color, ethnicity, gender, age, or disability. But there are numerous other ways that people are not like you, and some of those ways may not be apparent until you get to know someone.

Here is a list of some of the ways that people can be “not like you”—some are self‐explanatory, others require a bit of description. This is by no means a complete list of ways we can be diverse, but I'll bet there are a few here you haven't considered before:

• Different racial and ethnic groups
  • Black, White, Asian, Native American, Pacific Islander, Hispanic/Latino, Middle Eastern, South Asian (Indian, Pakistani, etc.)
• Different religious groups and views
• Men and women
• Different ages and generations
• LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning—“questioning” includes those who may be unsure of their sexual orientation or preference, such as teens who are still developing and exploring, or those for whom sexuality and/or gender identity is more fluid)
• Introverts and extroverts
• Marital status (single, married, divorced, partnered, widowed)
• Parents and nonparents
  • And within “parents,” there is no doubt that single parents have different lives and demands on them than two‐parent households
• Different levels of income and affluence
• Differing political views
• Different education levels
• Different cultural backgrounds—this would include different heritage, traditions, and customs, but can also include things that shape culture significantly. Examples of these include:
  • Military versus civilian backgrounds/experience
  • Rural versus metropolitan backgrounds
  • North/South or East Coast/West Coast backgrounds
• White‐collar versus blue‐collar professions
• Differing physical, emotional and mental abilities
• Full‐time versus part‐time workers and “gig” workers
• Office workers versus telecommuters
  • In some companies and organizations, the flexibili...