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Rules for Living (NHB Modern Plays)
Sam Holcroft
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Rules for Living (NHB Modern Plays)
Sam Holcroft
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Everyone creates their own coping strategies or rules for living. But what happens when an extended family gathers in the kitchen for a traditional Christmas and they each follow those rules, rigidly?
In Sam Holcroft's theatrically playful, dark comedy the family does just that. And when the instructions are there for all to see, audience included, there's really no place to hide.
As long-held mechanisms for survival are laid bare, even Mum, who's been preparing this lunch since last January, becomes embroiled.
Long-held rivalries and resentments will out. Accusations fly, relationships deconstruct, the rules take over.
Rules for Living premiered at the National Theatre, London, in March 2015.
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Information
Thema
LiteratureThema
DramaACT ONE
Scene One
25th December, mid-morning.
An open-plan kitchen/living room or kitchen-conservatory of a large family home.
CARRIE and MATTHEW, an unmarried couple in their thirties, unpack their contributions onto the kitchen table: food, alcohol, presents.
MATTHEW. Carrie⊠are you okay?
CARRIE. What?
MATTHEW. Are you okay?
CARRIE. Am I okay?
MATTHEW. Yes.
CARRIE. Yes, of course Iâm okay. Iâm fine.
MATTHEW. Honey, I know that face â whatâs wrong?
CARRIE. Shush.
MATTHEW. Sheena canât hear us.
CARRIE. Would you keep your voice down?
MATTHEW. Sheâs two floors up; she canât hear us. (Calling.) Sheena?
CARRIE. Matthew.
MATTHEW (calling louder). Sheena?
There is no response.
See? I grew up in this house â I know what you can get away with: about seventy decibels. Whatâs wrong?
CARRIE. Nothing.
MATTHEW. Carrie, she canât hear us.
CARRIE. Yeah, because five minutes through the door I manage to repel her up the stairs.
MATTHEW. What are you talking about? She went to check on Emma.
CARRIE. It was just a joke. Itâs a natural reflex: if youâre going to give me a set-up, then Iâm going to deliver a punchline. Anyone who tells me that Father Christmas arrived with a full sack last night is going to get the same answer: âThatâs because he only comes once a year!â
MATTHEW. Oh that. That was funny.
CARRIE. Then why didnât she laugh?
MATTHEW. She did.
CARRIE. That was a fake laugh.
MATTHEW. Honey, Iâve known Sheena since I was eleven, she wasnât pretending.
CARRIE. Really?
MATTHEW. Honestly.
CARRIE. Okay. I mean she married your brother so she must have a sense of humour.
MATTHEW. Carrie?
CARRIE. No, no I mean because heâs funny. Not because heâs funny peculiar, heâs funny funny. And, you know, opposites attract so â not that sheâs not funny, I didnât mean sheâs not funny, sheâs, like, super-intelligent, and, and intense⊠ly clever, so maybe it was just too childish for her, maybe I should aim a little higher?
MATTHEW. Honey, donât over-analyse it. Maybe sheâs tired? Her daughterâs really sick; sheâs got a lot on her mind. Donât take it personally. Just be yourself.
CARRIE. Yeah but sometimes âmyselfâ is a bit much, you know, for some people. Should I rein it in a bit? You can tell me, I wonât mind. I know how much your family means to you. I should tone it down a bit, shouldnât I? You can say.
MATTHEW. Well, itâs not rocket science, Carrie, just donât be vulgar.
CARRIE. Vulgar? You think Iâm vulgar?
MATTHEW. No, I donât think youâre vulgar.
CARRIE. Then who does? Did your mum call me vulgar?
MATTHEW. No, no, I just meant that the things we joke about together arenât necessarily the things to joke about in front of my family. Not everybody has the same sense of humour.
CARRIE. Yes, hello, I know that. I paid a lot of money to learn all about that. Do I walk into your office and tell you how to be a lawyer?
MATTHEW. No, but youâd ask me to tone it down if I went to stay with your family and dispensed legal advice five minutes after walking through the door.
Beat.
CARRIE. Wow. Say what you really feel, why donât you?
MATTHEW. Carrie â
CARRIE. You sure know how to make a girl feel better about herself.
MATTHEW. Honey, you just said I should be honest.
CARRIE. No, no, donât let me stop you. But on the subject of honesty, might I remind you, that if you wanted a wallflower for a girlfriend, you shouldnât have picked me!
Scene Two
The following rule is displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:
Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie
When it is indicated that MATTHEW either sits or stands, he must remain either seated or standing until stated otherwise.
MATTHEW. Carrie, thatâs⊠thatâs what you got from what I just said? That I want a wallflower for a girlfriend? I didnât say that. Iâd never say that. Honey, Iâm sorry, I didnât mean to upset you. Hey, look at me. Carrie, honey, please donât do this, not today, itâs Christmas â
CARRIE. Iâm sorry. I hate being like this. I donât want to be this irritating, whining person. I just⊠I just really want your family to like me.
MATTHEW. I know, I know. (Sitting.) And they do. They do like you.
CARRIE. They donât know what to make of me. Iâm never going to fit in.
MATTHEW (remaining seated). Of course youâre going to fit in. You do. Fit in. Currently.
CARRIE. Youâre just saying that.
MATTHEW. Iâm not just saying that.
CARRIE. What about your mum, what does she say about me? Does she say Iâm funny?
MATTHEW (standing). Mum said youâre always seeing the funny side of things.
CARRIE. And she said she liked that?
MATTHEW (sitting). Absolutely.
CARRIE. Really? Because I get the feeling she sees me as your⊠act of rebellion: in everything else you made the sensible decision. And then you met The Actress.
MATTHEW (standing). Carrie, weâve been over this: before I went to law school I appeared in no less than fourteen amateur musicals. The only surprise to my family is that youâre an actress not an actor. So just relax. This isnât an audition: you donât need to entertain them; you could just try talking to them. Or better yet, listen. As a general rule, people think youâre a really interesting person if you let them talk at you about something of real interest to them.
They smile at each other.
CARRIE. Iâm sorry that we keep having this same conversation.
MATTHEW (sitting). Thatâs okay. I donât mind. Weâll keep doing it until we get it right.
CARRIE. Thatâs what you said to me the first time we made love.
MATTHEW (standing). Yeah, thatâs the kind of joke you canât make in front of my mother.
CARRIE. Got it. No probs. Hey, Matthew? I know I must drive you a bit nuts, but youâre so patient with me, and I want you to know that after a whole year, Iâm still so in love with you.
MATTHEW (sitting beside her). Iâm still so in love with you too.
They kiss. SHEENA enters.
(Standing, breaking away from CARRIE.) Sheena! Hey, hey. Howâs Emma? Shall I go up?
SHEENA. Could you give her half an hour? Sheâs just having a little rest.
MATTHEW. Sure, sure no problem. Whatever you want, whatever you need.
SHEENA (referring to their contributions). Well, look at all this: youâve brought so much. These look⊠what are these?
CARRIE. Mince pies. I make them with filo pastry. Itâs more like a mince parcel.
SHEENA. A mince parcel, thatâs hilarious. I bet theyâre delicious.
MATT...