Scene One â Bare Stage
RICHARD. Roseland High School. Home of the Roseland Stallions.
Now that the winter formal gives way to glorious spring fling we find our rocks-for-brains hero Eddie â the quarterback â sleeping through his job as junior class president. âOh? Was I president? Iâve had so many concussions I mustâve forgot!â Yeah. Heâs Phoebus Apollo whereas I am but feeble. He makes sport of governance whereas I am not one who is shaped for sports.
I, Richard, am junior class secretary. Third in line behind Eddie the quarter-brains and Clarissa the goodie-goodie vice-president. Welllll. Maybe I canât play football, but I can run a play. The senior elections are upon us and from here I will vault past my inglorious station. Not by a pity vote. Not by campaigning. But by systematically destroying the competition. Iâll take down Clarissa AND Eddie AND hold dominion over all of this school.
âBut Richard,â you whimper. âThatâs so so mean. Why would you wish for something so mean?â Because they all hate me, thatâs why! I was stamped for their hatred from birth. They see my unpleasant shape and like a magnet I must repulse, whereas Eddie draws in their adoration like so many iron shavings. Eddie who is naught but a FabergĂ© egg, all pretty surfaces hollowed of brains.
Well Eddie, dear egg, I will crack thee.
I come to bury Eddie, not to praise him.
Is this a ballot I see before me?
Eddie, the love I bear thee can afford no better term that this: thou art a douchebag.
(School bell rings.) Aw shit, Iâm late for English. No matter.
Watch this.
Light shift and weâre in English class. RICHARD approaches ELIZABETH.
Sorry Iâm late Ms York. With my locker all the way across campus itâs so hard getting to class. You know, with my gait?
ELIZABETH. No worries, Richard! Have a seat.
RICHARD (to audience). Heh heh heh heh. (He passes by BUCK.) What ho, Buckingham!
BUCK. Dirty Rich Yay-Ya!
They slap fives and RICHARD sits.
CLARISSA. Ms York? How come Richard gets to show up late but when Iâm late you read me the riot act?
ELIZABETH. Richard is different.
EDDIE. Differently abled? As in retarded?
ELIZABETH. Eddie donât use that word. What I mean is that Richard is... well look at him Clarissa, heâs got totally differing needs.
CLARISSA. Buck has differing needs.
BUCK. Please donât involve me...
CLARISSA. And Buck always gets here on time.
RICHARD. Buck is on wheels you pox-scrabbled harlot. Do I look like a race car to you?
EDDIE. Yo! Donât make fun of my lil buddy. (To BUCK.) You cool, lil buddy, I got you.
RICHARD. Whatever. Youâre not even friends! Right Buck?
BUCK. Please donât... please donât involve me.
CLARISSA. Itâs kind of a double standard, thatâs all Iâm saying.
ELIZABETH. Okay, you know what? Instead of everyone telling me how to do my job letâs see if you all did yours. Machiavelliâs The Prince. Did everyone read it? Buck?
BUCK. Uh-huh.
ELIZABETH. How about you, Eddie?
EDDIE. Like, a thousand percent.
ELIZABETH. Great. So then Machiavelli lists four pathways to power. Can anyone name me the first one? Yes, Richard.
RICHARD. The first pathway to power is fortune. Whether by being born into royalty or having a principality gifted to you, fortune is the easiest path.
ELIZABETH. Good! And the second?
RICHARD. Second is virtue. Through strength of character a prince may inspire in his phalanx a sense of virile agitur and amor patriae, thus creating de novo a principality per angusta ad augusta, which is by and by more impressive than inheriting an empire by fortune.
ELIZABETH.... okay correct.
EDDIE. Dude: youâre a FREAK.
RICHARD. Read a book, Homo erectus.
EDDIE. Iâm def more erect than you.
RICHARD. Why, youâve got a boner?
EDDIE (vaguely threatening). Maybe.
ELIZABETH. Guys. Can anyone tell me, Machiavelliâs third pathway to power...
RICHARD. Civil election.
ELIZABETH. Richard letâs give someone else a turn. Can somebody name me the fourth? Anyone. Did anyone else in here read words on a page and remember one word?
Nobody can.
(To RICHARD, resigned.) Okay, Richard, take it away.
RICHARD. The last pathway to power. Is wickedness.
ELIZABETH. Yessss. Bloody coup. Stabby stabby. Perfect Richard!
EDDIE (mocking). Perfect Richard.
ELIZABETH. Iâm sorry, Eddie, did you have something to add?
EDDIE. No.
ELIZABETH. Then kindly shut up. Or better yet, answer this: What does Machiavelli say about whether itâs better to be loved or feared?
EDDIE. Loved all the way.
ELIZABETH (she does a âwrongâ buzzer sound). What about you, Buck?
BUCK. Um. Feared?
ELIZABETH. Care to elaborate?
BUCK. No.
ELIZABETH. Buck youâre my TA!
BUCK. Iâm a shy TA.
RICHARD. Given a choice, it is best to be feared. For man is ungrateful, fickle, and greedy, and thusly being loved is a bond they may break. Whereas being feared is sustained by a dread of punishment that wonât ever fail you.
ELIZABETH. Well Iâm glad at least one of you is soaking up Machiavellian tactics for consolidating ABSOLUTE POWER â (Echoing.) power power power!
No response.
Okay did anyone else do the reading?
CLARISSA. I did the reading Ms York.
ELIZABETH. Clarissa, great!
CLARISSA. And I totally disagree with this assignment, from a religious and moral standpoint.
General groans.
ELIZABETH. Oh boy here we go...
CLARISSA. This book is telling me itâs okay to lie and murder and steal, and all of that is really really cruel and totally goes against all of my Christian values.
ELIZABETH. Machiavelli was Christian. Machiavelli was Catholic.
CLARISSA. Whose work was banned by the Catholic Church.
ELIZABETH. Fine but The Prince isnât cruel, itâs pragmatic. Machiavelli even speaks out against idle cruelty, because idle cruelty stirs peopleâs hate.
RICHARD. I actually had a question about that.
ELIZABETH. Sure hon go ahead.
RICHARD. Itâs about that passage, on how not to be hated.
EDDIE. Itâs easy Dick. Talk less, shower more.
ELIZABETH. Eddie.
EDDIE. What? Thatâs good advice! Matter of fact, Iâm tweeting that. (He tweets it.)
ELIZABETH. No phones in here. Richard, go on.
EDDIE (still tweeting). His name isnât Richard, itâs Dick.
RICHARD. Thatâs not my name.
EDDIE. Whatâs that Twisty Dick?
RICHARD. I said thatâs not my name.
EDDIE. Richard is a nickname for Dick.
ELIZABETH. Gentlemen.
RICHARD turns around, hissing to EDDIE, all menace.
RICHARD. I want you to know that this is the very best time of your life. It will NEVer get any better than this. The rest of your life will be spent searching in vain for this moment of former glory as your downward trajectory plunges you ever further from here.
EDDIE. I think I just peeâd a little.
ELIZABETH. Letâs get back to the text. Richard, what was your question?
RICHARD (shaken). Right... Machiavelli says cruelty is at times warranted but that over-cruelty generates hate. But what if youâre hated to begin with? If cruelty is a viable tool then why stop being cruel if youâve always been hated since birth?
ELIZABETH. Jeez, I uh â Richard where is this coming from?
The bell rings. Everyone starts packing up.
Uh-oh, looks like thatâs an answer thatâll have to wait. Okay but everybody if we could just listen up for one second. Please stop packing your bags. I just wanted to mention that as some of you know Iâm the faculty advisor for Class Council and that speaking o...