The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple

New Approaches to Marital Therapy

Joan Lachkar

• Verlag: Routledge
• Jahr: 2004
• ISBN:
  9781135952150
• Auflage: 2
• Thema: Psychology
• Thema: Psychoanalysis

In this second edition of her groundbreaking book, Dr. Joan Lachkar addresses the ever-changing faces and phases of narcissism within the context of marital therapy and discusses the new developments in the treatment of marital conflict. Drawing from many different theoretical frameworks, mainly self-psychology (Kohut) and object relations (Klein), the works of D.W, Winnicott, and Kernberg are expanded to further explain why couples stay in painful, conflictual, never-ending relationships (traumatic bonding). The new chapters, case illustrations, and updated treatment sequences are invaluable to both beginning and experienced clinicians. The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple is an essential text for every marital therapist, offering an improved understanding of marital pathology within the framework of our changing world.

Chapter 1
The Narcissist and the Borderline
Clinical Descriptions

THE NARCISSIST

Freud (1914/1957) initially conceived of narcissism as the state of self-directed libido. The word is derived from Narcissus, the Greek youth of legend who fell in love with his own image in a pond. Freud viewed narcissism as a libidinal force similar to a hormone that can be transported to different parts of the body and become fixated there. These ideas are the forerunners of the notion of self that is between the ego’s relationship to its ego ideal and the ego’s libidinal forces cathected to its objects. Freud referred to primary and secondary narcissism. Primary narcissism is an absolute state in which all libidinal energy is stored up until the ego gets depleted and is driven to cathect to other objects. The transformation from primary to secondary narcissism occurs when the ego does a makeover from a self-narcissistic libido to a later object libido.

Freud wrote that love consists of a flowing over of ego libido to the object. In states of passion, sexual desire coincides with the ego ideal. Love mimics a psychotic state, a reunion between highly charged emotional and bodily experiences. This state emanates from the fulfillment fantasies of infantile experiences of love, and whatever gratifies this state become highly charged, eroticized, and idealized. The narcissistic person who is “in love” is highly cathected to someone who has qualities that he or she wishes to have, or had and no longer possesses (beauty, fame, success, wealth, brilliance, power). The narcissist then embarks on a lifelong journey to try to own or possess these qualities through guilt and envy. Feelings of love are not sustained and are dismissed as soon as the object is devalued or destroyed. The effort of one partner to possess and spoil becomes greater as the energy is diverted more toward the grandiose self. Freud discovered that in seeking a love relationship, one will often choose a partner who has qualities he or she lacks, hoping the love object will make them whole.

The narcissist is the “entitlement lover,” the self-proclaimed special child of the universe. Narcissists have excessive entitlement fantasies and an exaggerated sense of self, with which they are entirely preoccupied. They believe the world “owes them,” are obsessed with perfectionism, and have an internalized, strongly castrating, and punitive superego. Narcissists are intoxicated by their own power and are unable to use the healthy aspects of narcissism because they lack the capacity for empathy and introspection. They strive relentlessly to prove their specialness.

Narcissists are individuals who need perfect mirroring, perfect stroking, perfect responses. They value such material things as fame, physical beauty wealth, social position, and power. They are dominated by defenses that include guilt, idealization, omnipotence, grandiosity and pomposity When hurt or personally injured, they will respond with narcissistic rage or withdraw, isolating themselves physically or emotionally (One can imagine what this does to a borderline partner, who already has a thwarted sense of self.) The most common archaic injury among narcissists is the mother who usurped “His Majesty the Baby” from his high chair “throne” to make way for a new sibling. Often the narcissist will spend the rest of his life in self-absorbed nostalgia, longing to recapture the early time when mommy and baby were one, living in harmony and symbiotic bliss. Any threat or reminder of being displaced by a sibling will trigger narcissistic injury

Another key aspect of narcissism is the “grandiose self,” a part of the self that guards against dependency Because of the inability to feel or show dependency the narcissist unwittingly projects this intolerance onto others. “It is you who is the needy one!” Narcissists confuse healthy dependency needs with parasitic ones and bond with those who offer the promise of being the perfect “mirroring” object (often a borderline). Narcissists exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and shame in others and cannot allow themselves the kind of dependency an intimate partner yearns for because it makes them feel too vulnerable. They have internalized a harsh, punitive superego, which makes them supercritical of others. “I am as perfect as mother wanted me to be. I don’t need anyone! I don’t need you, and I don’t need this treatment!”

Narcissists are always busy trying to prove a “special” sense of existence. They are the ones who flee from treatment when feeling personally injured or unappreciated, or when their excessive demands are not met (changing appointment times, asking for special favors, coming in only when it is convenient for them).

Different Types of Narcissists

Diagnosing the narcissist is acknowledgedly complex. Although the realm of the narcissist proper has already been described, the narcissistic personality disorder is not a clear and precise entity There are many different kinds of narcissists. These distinctions are important for the treatment of marital therapy

The Pathological Narcissist

The pathological narcissist is obsessed with and has an exaggerated sense of self, as well as a delusional sense of entitlement. Pathological narcissists lack the capacity for intimacy, empathy, or concern for others, and are over-powered by the excessive need for approval and admiration from others. They are in need of constant recognition, and their compulsion to maintain a “special” sense of existence and the demand for incessant attention becomes more pervasive than life itself. The maladaptive defenses severely interfere with the narcissist’s capacity to maintain an intimate love bond.

Example: A man may tell his narcissistic wife that he found another woman at a party very attractive and her demeanor quite charming. Unable to tolerate this, the wife storms out of the room, refusing to speak to or have sex with him for more than 2 weeks. For months on end, she harbors this injury something she “can never forget.”

In Robert Dallek’s 1991 biography of Lyndon Johnson, Lone Star Rising, Dallek describes Johnson as a pathological narcissist. He cites an example of a White House aide who almost drowned in the swimming pool alongside Johnson because Johnson was so absorbed with talking about himself that he did not notice the aide’s distress. Another example of Johnson’s pathological narcissism was his relationship with his wife, Lady Byrd Johnson. Lyndon expected her to tolerate his desire for other women, including bringing to the White House bed not just one woman but two (making Clinton look saintly in comparison). When criticized about Vietnam, Johnson refused to speak with anyone and would respond with narcissistic rage.

The Malignant Narcissist

The malignant narcissist is usually a leader, a person who uses his omnipotent, sadistic fantasies to live out a cause. Someone like Slobodan Milosevic, the Serbian war criminal, fits this description: “We killed the Albanians for a good cause.” The most pervasive trait of malignant narcissists is that they always feel as though they are the victims. For example, Milosevic has denied charges of genocide, claiming that the Serbs were the victims (Los Angeles Times, February 2002). This is not a far cry from Osama bin Laden, who claims the September 11 attacks were in defense of his own people, and the “will of Allah” (Lachkar, 2002).

Typically individuals are seduced to collude with malignant narcissistic leaders who offer the promise of enacting the role of the protective father, which hooks into many shared collective group fantasies. The leader that can be sadistic and cruel also can be loving and kind. Leaders who play out these fantasies form a most powerful and intimate connection with the group. Often these leaders exhibit paranoid features, which compels them to believe in their self-serving political aspirations and provides the rationale for their own destructive/sadistic acts of aggression. When Milosevic swore to the Serbs that he would protect his people and never allow the Albanians to hurt them again, he became a national hero—the protective, fantasized daddy the messianic leader come to save the group from calamity and restore the group’s pride and identity (Lachkar, 2000).

On the domestic front, the object bond between a sadistic partner and a paralyzed victim is a familiar theme (Kernberg, 1992). Although the malignant narcissist may not be a national figure or a ruthless dictator, he may be a cruel, aggressive, controlling partner. Understanding one’s attachment to these kinds of leaders is important, especially when treating cross-cultural couples. Individuals from different ethnic backgrounds may play out similar behaviors with the same kind of nationalistic pride and fervor (see chapter 7 on multiculturalism). From this we might discover another variation of narcissism. Is there such a thing as a “cultural narcissist” or a “cultural borderline”? While an exploration of these concepts is beyond the scope of this text, a few noteworthy points can be made.

The cultural narcissist parallels the pathological narcissist in that he brings into the therapeutic arena the same degree of nationalistic pride and will relentlessly try to flaunt his nationalistic identity The cultural borderline, on the other hand, will fight to the end, retaliate, become a freedom fighter or a terrorist, and go to any extreme to maintain the group’s collective identity.

Example: An Israeli man married to an Irish Catholic woman insists that she give up her religion without any consideration of what is important to her. One could well ask, What’s the big deal? This could happen with an American Jewish man as well. The difference is cultural. The Israeli man takes on a nationalistic Zionistic attitude, which is inculcated into the culture from childhood on. Aggression is wrapped in the flag: “This is our country! The only religion is Judaism!”

The Antisocial Narcissist

Antisocial patients typically present more serious superego pathology. The antisocial narcissist’s most dominant feature is the lack of superego functioning and the lack of capacity for guilt and remorse. Antisocial narcissists still maintain the excessive attitudes of entitlement that lie within the domain of the narcissist proper; however, their sense of entitlement is so excessive that it overrides any capacity for self-reflection. They may lie, steal, cajole, get caught, even confess their crimes with no guilt, remorse, or concern. Their sense of omnipotence and their entitlement fantasies are so extreme that antisocial narcissists delude themselves into thinking they can get away with their extreme behavior and show no guilt or remorse for their actions

Example: A loving husband and father did all the “right” things. He was devoted, a hard worker, loved his family and would do anything to make his wife happy (including providing lavish bar/bat mitzvahs, luxury autos, private schools). Secretly he embezzled money, all the while appearing to be the consummate “giver” to “good causes.” Yet, when caught by the IRS for income tax invasion he was not able to experience remorse. He spent most of his time and treatment blaming his wife for all the pressure she put on him.

The Depressive Narcissist

Unlike the antisocial narcissist, the depressive narcissist is plagued by guilt, embodied by a harsh and punitive superego. Depressive narcissists are dominated by guilt and self-hatred. They are perfectionists, and when life does not go their way they blame themselves. They have a sadistic superego that runs amok, is self-denigrating and self-blaming. Yet, antisocial narcissists are high functioning on many different levels. They are highly reliable, dependable, serious, and concerned about work, although they tend to judge themselves as they do others. These are the children of parents who demanded perfection. They are totally self-absorbed and persecute themselves. They are often withdrawn and isolated from others.
Example: A depressed narcissist’s grandiose self turns self-hatred inward to such an extent that it infects and invades all those around her. “I am no longer the beauty I used to be and I cannot tolerate the thought of anyone seeing me.”

The Narcissist as Artist

Many artists are accused of being “too narcissistic.” But are they? Although the discussion of narcissism and the artist would require another book, it is important to mention that artists (dancers, musicians, painters, writers, actors) need a certain amount of narcissism to function creatively and they require a special form of treatment. Within the performing arts, narcissism takes on a different meaning. While clinical narcissism connotes pathology there are also healthy aspects that one might call “aesthetic survival.” To kill narcissism is tantamount to killing the artist! How, then, do we distinguish between healthy and pathological narcissism? Healthy narcissism allows room for grandiosity, pomposity, self-involvement, and an obsessive investment in perfectionism, yet there is realization of the “need” for the object. One has a sense of separateness and does not internalize or identify with the negative projections of others (e.g., envy, criticism). Instead, one’s personal drive and determination are so powerful that nothing gets in the way.

There is a sense in which the artist needs some transitional space to experience his art. A good illustration of this is the pas de deux in “Après midi d’un faune,” choreographed around a mirror by Jerome Robbins. The two young dancers are more preoccupied with themselves than with each other (Lachkar, 2001). The only time we need to modify or chisel away at the artist’s narcissism is when narcissistic defenses no longer work in the service of the ego, or when the defenses interfere with the creative process or the capacity for healthy object relations. It is beyond the scope of this book to discuss the different kinds of “narcissistic artists,” but it might be noteworthy to mention a few. First, there are the overly “entitled artists” who feel the world owes them something. Second, there are artists with delusions of grandeur, those who think they have talent but who in reality don’t. (The reverse is also true; there are those who have talent but are weighed down with self-doubts and self-denigration.) Third, there are the depressive artists, those who are filled with envy, anger, envy, and competitive rage and are never “grandiose” enough to achieve any semblance of success (see Case 1 in chapter 9).

Example: An extremely narcissistic young dancer, whom I treated several years ago, rarely made eye contact with me. Whenever I tried to reach out she withdrew. When I called this to her attention, she responded with outrage. It came to a head one day when she was asked to audition for a scholarship at a prestigious school. After the audition, she returned crying and overwhelmed with emotion: “They said I danced with no expression, that I was cold and distant, and I did not relate to the audience. They said I had a blank stare on my face and that I lacked passion!!” This was a break-through, and the dancer was able to recognize and change her attitude.

THE BORDERLINE

Although Freud (1923) did not use the term borderline, he noted that there was a certain segment of patients who would become discontent when treatment was progressing. He referred to these patients as having “negative therapeutic reaction” (1923, p. 39). Seinfeld (1990) elaborated Freud’s bafflement and confusion regarding the negative therapeutic transference, affirming that certain people behave in a peculiar fashion during analysis. Freud claimed that these patients are intolerant of any progression of the treatment and show signs of despair when their conditions improve. They become deviant of attempt and react adversely to any praise or appreciation. They get worse instead of better.

In his famous Wolfman case, Freud (1918) noted that the patient experienced a transitory negative therapeutic reaction every time the treatment progressed. Freud (1924) extrapolated that these patients had a certain proclivity for punishment that was related to unconscious instinctual drives and that compelled them toward what he termed the death instinct. He referred to these patients as suffering from forbidden unconscious infantile impulses triggered from a sadistic superego in conflict with a masochistic ego (1918). Rosenfeld (1987) stated that Freud believed that the sadism of the superego and the masochism of the ego complemented one another in the negative therapeutic reaction. Freud (1924) spoke of these patients as suffering from a severe sense of guilt and of the sadomasochism as derived from the death instinct.

There is still a great deal of confusion about the borderline in the literature, mainly because the term has been used to describe transitory movements between patients with neurotic and psychotic personalities. Kernberg (1975) suggested that the term should be reserved for those patients who are between neurotic and psychotic states. Much of what was previously categorized as schizophrenia is now known as borderline disorder. According to Grotstein (1986), although they share many common traits with schizophrenics, the borderline personality now has its own domain. Grotstein affirmed the borderline suffers more from privation than deprivation, boundary conf...