The stage is dark. The on-air sign comes on.
An over-the-top theatrical intro skit to the TV programme.
SAMIA. Where am I? Am I dead or alive? I canât see anything.
FAROOK. Donât worry, child.
SAMIA. Whoâs that? Are you an angel?
FAROOK. Yes.
SAMIA. But they all said Iâd go straight to hell.
FAROOK. What do they know?
SAMIA. What kind of angel are you?
A light shines on FAROOK.
FAROOK. Iâm glad you asked, Iâm a POP angel.
SAMIA. Oh wow. Weâre all in pop heaven?
FAROOK. Yes! Yes, you are⊠and itâs called VOX! The greatest hits show.
A light shines on SAMIA.
SAMIA. And what can we expect of this greatest hits show?
The bright studio lights come on and weâre in full show mode.
FAROOK. Itâs going to be an hour and a half of musical bliss⊠as we give you all the latest from Hollywood to Bollywood, to Persian pop, you name it we got it and we donât stop. And the one thing they all want⊠me, VJ Farook, with the chat and the charts, and the looks that melt hearts. Itâs time for VOX!!
Off-air:
SAMIA. Greatest hits shows are lame⊠where they just play you crappy clips from the past. No one really wants to watch a glorified rerun.
FAROOK. This is different, itâll be more like making the band. Our story.
SAMIA. Okay Iâm down with that. So we need to intro me!
FAROOK. No you come later. We actually need to start at the very beginning. Tell it all.
SAMIA. Your beginning.
FAROOK. Well, the story starts with me.
SAMIA. Convenient. So what do I do?
FAROOK. I donât know, watch?
SAMIA. Typical, some things donât change, hogging all the limelight.
FAROOK. Thatâs not fair. Well, not this time at least.
SAMIA. Get on with it then.
FAROOK. You can introduce it if you like?
SAMIA. Gee thanks!
(Grandiose.) Let me take you back to a different time, and to a different placeâŠ
FAROOK. Now whoâs milking it? Just the short version.
SAMIA. FINE! Kabul. Afghanistan. 2004. The Audition.
SAMIA takes a back seat while FAROOK speaks.
FAROOK. âFarook Issar, my name should be on the list.â
I know itâs not, but Iâm making the guy look regardless.
Now for my speciality â
SAMIA/FAROOK (overly dramatic). âI spoke to someone on the phone yesterday, he said that I would be put on the list. Unbelievable.â
This is a lie.
The man on the phone yesterday had expressly told me that there was no room at the audition. But this guy doesnât know that, and anyway itâs Kabul⊠organisation is no oneâs strong point.
Now for the charm â (He smiles.)
âCan you please squeeze me in?â
It works. It actually works.
SAMIA. I canât believe it.
FAROOK. Neither can I.
Number thirty-three! Step one accomplished. You want something, you go for it, and I want this so bad! To be a presenter on TV. I take a seat and look at the âcompetitionâ.
Number twenty-nine gets up and walks into the studio. Heâs definitely in his dadâs wedding suit from the seventies.
Iâm wearing white, all white, white shoes, white shirt, white trousers, white underpants!
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah, la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
I am just going to pray over and over in my head to calm myself down.
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
Theyâre all so old, like twenty-eight.
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
Itâs a sea of bad suits and beards.
I am definitely better looking than all of them.
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
Thirty-one comes out of the studio, it says âDolce and Gabnerâ on his shirt.
Why is he smiling so much? If I had his teeth I wouldnât.
He boasts to Mr Thirty-two, that heâs read from an autocue before, so it was really easy.
What the hell is an autocue?
SAMIA. You didnât know what an autocue is?
FAROOK. No.
SAMIA. How much research did you do for this audition?
FAROOK. You either have star quality or you donât⊠you canât research that.
SAMIA. I spent a whole two weeks prepping mine.
FAROOK. You would. Anyway it doesnât matter. I have a face for TV. Plus Iâve done radio before, and instead of talking to a microphone itâs talking to a camera. What could be easier.
SAMIA. âThirty-three.â
FAROOK. My number and I go in. Into the studioâŠ
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
Itâs not that impressive, basically one giant metal container. Not what I was expecting at all. On the other end of the container there are three of them.
Asif the producer, and owner of this studio, who I spoke to yesterday on the phone.
SAMIA. Our Asif? Man-baby Asif?
FAROOK. Yes, our Asif.
SAMIA. We would call him Man-baby Asif, he looked like a grown-up toddler.
FAROOK. And he would waddle around like one. Giving orders.
SAMIA/ASIF. âYou need to pay attention to what Iâm saying.â
FAROOK/ASIF. âGod has given you ears, and big ones, so you should use them.â
SAMIA. No one ever listened to him. And boy would he get frustrated, short-man syndrome. He was even shorter than me.
FAROOK. No he wasnât, you like to think youâre taller than you are.
SAMIA. No, people just think that because I have presence, people notice when I walk into a room.
FAROOK. Yeah, they notice but for other reasons⊠Anyway, weâre not doing you yet.
SAMIA. Hurry up â
FAROOK. Asif is dressed, casual? In Western. Beige socks with bata sandalsâŠ
SAMIA. Are you going to describe his underwear as well?
FAROOK. Definitely stained.
SAMIA. Okay that was funny. But get a move on!
FAROOK. Basically Asifâs outfit is bad⊠But at least itâs Western, so thatâs progress.
Iâm in the room and Asif knows Iâm not supposed to be here, in the audition. But doesnât say anything. Thank god.
Two men are sat next to him, I can sense they are the ones I need to impress. Both round, both middle-aged, but well groomed, returned from the West now the Taliban has fallen. The executives of the station.
âAssalamualaikum.â
They nod mechanically.
And then Iâm ordered by Asif to speak into the camera.
la ilaha illa muhammadur rasulullah
âMy name is Farook and Iâm twenty-two years of age.â
So far so good.
The bigger of the two men speaks, heâs Mr Khalid Hamidi, the owner of the station. He asks me to tell him about myself. So I launch into my favourite subject. ME.
âIâve lived in Kabul for most of my life. I work for Rise Radio, and for the last six months Iâve been presenting a show at night. With music, chat, news, reviews, interviews. Very popular show. Everyone is saying how super-cool it is.
I like Western pop the best, Britney, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC. Everyone says Iâm Enrique Iglesiasâs Afghan twin.â
SAMIA. No one says that.
FAROOK (ignoring her). âI also like to discover new bands, like Westlife, who I think are from the UK? Their song âFlying Without Wingsâ, so beautiful.
Fla...