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Getting Together and Staying Together
William Glasser, M.D., Carleen Glasser
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eBook - ePub
Getting Together and Staying Together
William Glasser, M.D., Carleen Glasser
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The facts are nothing short of startling--no matter how many people seem to walk down the aisle, the divorce rate in America is at a record high. What's the secret to getting into a happy marriage and, even more important, staying in one? Now world-renowed psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser and his wife, Carleen Glasser, update their classic guide to successful marriages, Staying Together, for couples young and old. As they examine the questions of why some marriages work and others fail, the Glassers advise readers on how to create loving and happy relationships by applying Dr. Glasser's trademark "choice theory." The result is a wealth of new information about who would make a compatible partner and how to improve any relationship.
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1
My Marriage Is a Mystery
A while back we received the following e-mail:
I have sent this query to the websites of several well-known psychologists and psychiatrists, but to tell you the truth, Iâm not even sure I want an answer. Iâm even worried that what you may tell me will make me feel worse than I feel now. The other possibility is that there isnât an answer; there certainly doesnât seem to be one. I wonât be surprised if you tell me that the marriage I have is the way marriage is and I should just accept it.
To begin, I guess the best way to put it is, that for me, marriage is a mystery. It became a mystery a few years after we married, and in the twenty-plus years Iâve been married to Larry, my husband, it remains a mystery. Larry doesnât know Iâm writing this letter, but as far as I can see, itâS as much a mystery to him as it is to me. On the surface, we have a good marriage. We donât fight or argue much and, I guess compared to their marriages, my friends tell me I have one of the best marriages in our circle. But itâS not good enough for me.
My problem is that thereâS no spark in our relationship. To put it in two words: ItâS dull. ThereâS nothing to look forward to. It just goes along month after month, the ups never high, the lows rarely low. Our marriage reminds me of the heart monitor on ER when the patient dies, flat, no more beeps. ItâS not that we donât do things or see people we enjoy. But the enjoyment is more as individuals than as a couple. For example, with our friends heâS with the men and Iâm with the women. What we donât seem to be able to do anymore is enjoy each other. When weâre together by ourselves, thereâS no real substance to our relationship.
More and more, I think about the beginning, about how much in love we were. How every moment we could spend together was so precious. How just being with each other seemed to be all we needed. ItâS not that I have any hope we could ever recapture those initial feelings, but this is too far in the other direction. As I look over what Iâve just written, it sounds stupid. Why would you be interested in the complaints of a disgruntled forty-two-year-old woman? I feel stupid for even bothering you.
Anyway, hereâS the conclusion Iâve come to after wracking my brain for a year. And mind you, all I can really speak for are wives. I donât think I know that much about how my husband really feels or what he thinks about, and neither do the women Iâve discussed this with. If we had that kind of communication in the first place, weâd have much better marriages. When I ask them, most women say, âIâm happily married.â And I say it, too. But what we are talking about is the whole picture: friends, family, children, grandchildren, and even the people we work with. What we donât talk about is happiness with our husbands.
So Iâm not saying itâS all bad. We have the status of being married, which is still important to most women, and my guess is to most men. ItâS certainly important to me. Marriage gives us more money, help with our children, and a man we can trust in a crisis, much more than we would have if we werenât married. And in so many marriages in our circle, our husbands are like Larry, good men whom we loved when we married them and for whom we still have some affection if no longer any passion.
I would also say that most women donât even want to face what Iâve written here. As I said, Iâm almost afraid to send this to you: I dread that youâll tell me that what I have is as good as itâS going to get. Tone down your expectations; the part of your life that you long for is over. Youâve got a good husband, make the best of it, you could be a lot worse off than you are.
Well, Iâve decided not to settle for what I have. Iâm not going to settle for the marriage I have without trying to find out more than I know now. Iâm sick of this being such a mysteryâthere must be things I can do. Iâm also willing to put some effort into any suggestion you may give me that makes sense. Please, if you have anything to tell me, Iâd like to hear from you.
Cheryl M.
Since Carleen and I had just completed the first six chapters of this book, CherylâS letter couldnât have been more timely. We quickly e-mailed our response.
We offered to send Cheryl the chapters but warned her that just reading them wouldnât solve her problems. Repairing a relationship isnât a simple âDo thisâ or âDonât do thatâ situation. It requires work and change, and it requires the willing participation of both partners.
We urged Cheryl to show Larry her e-mail and ours, and to get back to us if Larry was onboard. We also thanked her for giving us the subtitle to our book: Solving the Mystery of Marriage.
2
LarryâS Dilemma
The day after we e-mailed our answer to Cheryl, I got a call from her husband, Larry. As soon as she got our reply, Cheryl had shared both e-mails with him. They had a long talk, and after overcoming some doubts and a little denial, they agreed theyâd both really like to have a better marriage. They decided they were willing to work at it together. He then told me the reason for his call. He wanted to talk with me before I sent the manuscript so Iâd have a better idea of what he thought was wrong with their marriage.
Since Carleen and I live and work in our home in West Los Angeles, Larry asked if I would be willing to come south, closer to where he worked in Orange County. He wanted to meet with me professionally so that what we talked about could be kept confidential. He didnât care if I shared it with Carleen, but he didnât want Cheryl to find out what he told me. She had shared our letter with him, so I could see no reason not to listen to what he had to say. I agreed to meet him the next day for lunch.
When I got to the restaurant, he was already sitting at a table. The restaurant was not crowded, so there would be no problem with privacy. He was a nice-looking man, trim and tanned, who smiled as if he was glad to see me. We introduced ourselves, exchanged a little small talk for a moment while the waiter got us some water, and then went to the buffet to get our lunch. When we got back to the table he began to eat and talk.
Larry was a professor at a large state college not far from where he lived. Heâd been at the college for almost his whole married life. He enjoyed teaching and was respected in his field. His wife was the director of a nursery school near where they lived. It was pretty much as sheâd described in her letter: no major problems with health, money; their two children were away at college and getting along well. But he agreed with her that there was not much companionship and very little sex. By the time we finished lunch, I had learned a lot about Larry and his life with Cheryl but, as far as I could see, nothing that needed to be kept secret from anyone. He then ordered coffee, and I waited for him to tell me why he had wanted so much to see me.
He hesitated a moment and then said, âYou know, Doctor, Iâm glad my wife wrote you, and Iâm looking forward to reading your manuscript. Weâll read it together. But I have to tell you, I have some doubts that a book could help our marriage. Iâd like to tell you why, if itâS okay with you.â
I nodded for him to go ahead.
âWhen she wrote you that we were in love in the beginning, she told the truth. We were. And I think she still loves me, whatever that means after twenty years of the kind of marriage weâve had. And for what itâS worth, I still love her. But maybe what Iâm saying is that I still love the woman she was when we got married. And, like she still has hopes about me, I havenât given up hope she could be that woman again. Once in a while we have a few days of closeness, but it never lasts. It may be my fault that it doesnât last, but itâS the way she is that makes it so hard for me. As soon as we have a little closeness, she wrecks it for me. To be honest, I donât think she has any idea what she does that turns me off so much. Do you have any idea what Iâm trying to tell you?â
âI really donât. Go ahead, tell me what you came to tell me.â
âIâm trying. The problem is, now that Iâm here, itâS real hard to explain what bothers me without sounding like a jerk. Iâm worried that Iâll come across as shallow and intolerant, and I donât really think I am.â
âI canât predict how youâll come across to me; youâll have to take a chance on that. But Iâm curious. Iâd like to hear what youâre having so much trouble saying. Besides, I donât look at people who come to see me as shallow or as deep. I look at them as people struggling to get as much as they can out of their lives. And often, in the process doing things that hurt the people they care for. Maybe hurting themselves, too. ItâS pain that brings people to see me. I think itâS pain that brought you here.â
âIt is pain. I didnât notice it so much years ago when it started, but now itâS there almost all the time. ItâS not acute or something I canât stand, just kind of a dull, gnawing ache, something that feels as if itâS never going to go away. What I havenât been able to come to terms with is that CherylâS a complainer. Not so much to other people, but to me, about everything. She doesnât always complain about me, but I canât help but think that itâS directed at me, anyway. Doctor, the complaints are constant; nothing is ever the way it should be.â
âHave you told her it bothers you?â
âI have, but she just says itâS the way she is, that I shouldnât pay attention to it, but I do, I canât help it. Whenever she complains, I canât help thinking I have to fix it or take care of it. She tells me I donât, but I get desperate to stop her complaints, so I keep trying to fix what I can. ItâS a losing battle, like spitting in the ocean. She keeps telling me to stop trying to fix things. She admits she doesnât want solutions, she just wants me to listen to her. But even that isnât easy. Look, we go out for dinner in a neighborhood restaurant. On the way, the trafficâS too heavy, the parkingâS terrible, the tableâS not ready or itâS too close to the kitchen or itâS too noisy. The food is good but itâS late and itâS not hot. And the service is so slow weâre going to miss the movie she wanted so much to see. I donât even think she notices it, but thereâS something wrong with everything and everyone, and I have to hear about it all.â
âDo you think youâre blowing it out of proportion?â
âMaybe. Maybe I am exaggerating, but not that much. Even when she isnât complaining, it doesnât seem to help because I expect it and get tense waiting for what I know is going to happen. I find myself walking on eggs, trying to fix things before they happen, trying to take responsibility for the whole imperfect world that she canât abide. And getting frustrated because I canât. She even complains that I go off to work too happy in the morning, and sheâS right, I do. Iâve also gotten to the point where I never complain about anything because when I do she one-ups me, what happened to her was so much worse than what happened to me.â
âWhat happens if you start out by saying itâS our lucky day, everything is fine?â
âLike I said, I used to try, but Iâve given up. She gets angry and calls me a wimp. She says if it werenât for her, people would walk all over me.â
âHave you thought about divorce?â
âOf course Iâve thought about divorce. But Iâm not painting the whole picture. She does a lot more than complain. She takes care of me. She tells me I need care and she gives it to me. She doesnât seem to resent taking care of me at all. She almost never complains about that. But she also takes care of everyone in the family, really does a lot for them and then complains to me about all she has to do. But still she likes to take care of people. SheâS happy when she does, even with all the complaints. She also runs a perfect home. SheâS a great cook. She operates a top-notch nursery school, never complains about the kids and never fails to complain about their parents. If Iâm sick or need anything, sheâS there and she complains that I donât need her enough. And sheâS loyal. She doesnât have much interest in what I do, but she supports my job and complains that people donât appreciate me enough. Iâm afraid to tell her about any of my troubles at work because itâll set her off. But, Doctor, I canât leave her. SheâS a good person who lives in a lousy world. And if she could be in charge, I really think itâd be a better world, but sheâll never be in charge. Besides, I love her. Weâve been together for so many years, I just canât picture my life without her. As much as she complains, sheâS more on my side than anyone else is. SheâS not the kind of person youâd want to lose.â
âI guess it may have helped you to tell me all youâve just told me, but I get the feeling that you still havenât told me what you really came here for.â
âNo, I havenât. I havenât told anyone. I canât. ItâS how I deal with her, how I put up with all her complaining. I want to stop doing it. Iâm hoping just as much as she is that what youâve written will help us to get along better. I want to tell you this so you know sheâS not the only one at fault in our marriage. Iâm more at fault than she is. I lead a double life. ItâS what keeps me going. I rationalize what I do by telling myself that once in a while I deserve to get away from all her complaints, that itâS her fault I do what Iâm doing. But of course it isnât. I do it because I want to do it. And I have no intention of doing anything more than Iâm doing. I never plan to leave her or even give her a hard time. I treat her well, but sheâS right when she says thereâS no real close feeling between us. Or maybe itâS me who doesnât feel close to her. Iâm not blaming her, Doctor, but if sheâd stop complaining, things between us would be a lot better.â
I just kept looking at him.
âI donât need closeness with her because I get it from other women. I have long-term affairs where I get to know the women very well. But again, what I have with them is superficial. Theyâre not part of my life and Iâm really not part of theirs. They supplement Cheryl, but they donât replace her. They donât and they never will.â
âWhere do you find these women?â
âThere are plenty at the college where I work. Theyâre just like me. Mostly theyâre married and have no intention of leaving their husbands or families, but they lack inti macy in their marriages, too. Like me, theyâre well aware of what they need and what I can give. We tread a narrow line; we accept that to need or want moreâll...