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How to Talk to Anyone
92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
Leil Lowndes
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How to Talk to Anyone
92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
Leil Lowndes
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Thema
PsychologyThe moment two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency. The first sight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your new acquaintanceâs eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever.
Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone and other popular North American publications. Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects, but zeroing in on the essence of their personalities. The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can see, for instance, the insecure arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of Newt Gingrich, the bitchiness of Leona Helmsley.
Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest. Hovering over Bobâs shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch their friendâs image and essence materialize before their eyes. When heâs finished drawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled look comes over the subjectâs face. He or she usually mumbles some politeness like, âWell, er, thatâs great. But it really isnât me.â
The crowdâs convincing crescendo of âOh yes it is!â drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused subject is left to stare back at the worldâs view of himself or herself in the napkin.
Once when I was visiting Bobâs studio, I asked him how he could capture peopleâs personalities so well. He said, âItâs simple. I just look at them.â
âNo,â I asked, âHow do you capture their personalities? Donât you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?â
âNo, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.â
âHuh?â
He went on to explain, âAlmost every facet of peopleâs personalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move. For instance âŠâ he said, calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures.
âSee,â Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts, âhereâs the boyishness of Clinton,â showing me his half smile; âthe awkwardness of George Bush,â pointing to his shoulder angle; âthe charm of Reagan,â putting his finger on the ex-presidentâs smiling eyes; âthe shiftiness of Nixon,â pointing to the furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, âHereâs the pride of FDR.â Itâs all in the face and the body.
First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast-paced information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second, peopleâs heads are spinning. They must form quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.
Your body shrieks before your lips can speak
Is their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 per cent of someoneâs first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.
Iâve lived and worked in countries where I didnât speak the native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us, the years proved my first impressions were on target. Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and approximately how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just from seeing them move, which were the heavyweights and which were the welterweights.
I have no extrasensory skill. Youâd know, too. How? Because before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain has had time to register whatâs causing that reaction.4 Thus the moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures.
Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anyone, I asked, âBob, if you wanted to portray somebody really cool â you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people âŠâ
âEasy,â Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. âJust give âem great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.â Itâs the ideal image for somebody whoâs a Somebody.
How to look like a somebody
A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the home-furnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the communications field. They have two small sons.
Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays deference to her. Sheâs a Very Important Person in that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World.
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When she takes her kids to school functions, sheâs just another mum. She once asked me, âLeil, how can I stand out from the crowd so people who donât know me will approach me and at least assume Iâm an interesting person?â The techniques in this section accomplish precisely that. When you use the next nine techniques, you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet. You will stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in, even if itâs not your crowd.
Letâs start with your smile.
Smile quick? or smile special?
In 1936, one of Dale Carnegieâs six musts in How to Win Friends and Influence People was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of the millennium, itâs high time we re-examine the role of the smile in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Daleâs dictum, youâll find a 1936 quick smile doesnât always work. Especially nowadays.
The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with todayâs sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and corporate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key Players in all walks of life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has more potency and the world smiles with them.
Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles. They range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant. There are warm smiles and cold smiles. There are real smiles and fake smiles. (Youâve seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say theyâre âdelighted you decided to drop by,â and presidential candidates visiting your city who say theyâre âthrilled to be in, uh ⊠uh âŠâ) Big Winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons, so theyâve fine-tuned it for maximum impact.
How to fine-tune your smile
I have an old college friend named Missy who, just last year, took over her family business, a company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing my friendâs quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh. Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part of her charm.
When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was taking over the business. I thought Missyâs personality was a little bubbly to be a CEO in a tough business. But, hey, what do I know about the corrugated box biz?
She, I, and three of her potential clients met in the cocktail lounge of a midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the dining room, Missy whispered in my ear, âPlease call me Melissa tonight.â
âOf course,â I winked back, ânot many company presidents are called Missy!â Soon after the maitre dâ seated us, I began noticing Melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl Iâd known in college. She was just as charming. She smiled as much as ever. Yet something was different. I couldnât quite put my finger on it.
Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impression everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end of the evening, Melissa had three big new clients.
Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, âMissy, youâve really come a long way since you took over the company. Your whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corporate edge.â
âUh uh, only one thing has changed,â she said.
âWhatâs that?â
âMy smile,â she said.
âYour what?â I asked incredulously.
âMy smile,â she repeated as though I hadnât heard her. âYou see,â she said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, âwhen Dad got sick and knew in a few years Iâd have to take over the business, he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me. Iâll never forget his words. Dad said, âMissy, Honey, remember that old song, âI Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer Feetâs Too Big?ââ Well, if youâre going to make it big in the box business, let me say, âI loves ya, Honey, but your smileâs too quick.â
âHe then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study heâd been saving to show me when the time was right. It concerned women in business. The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.â
As Missy talked, I began to think about women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women of their ilk. True, they were not known for their quick smiles.
Missy continued, âThe study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.â From that moment on, Missy explained, she gave clients and business associates her big smile. However, she trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient.
That was it! Missyâs slower smile gave her personality a richer, deeper, more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a second, the recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special, and just for them.
I decided to do more research on the smile. When youâre in the market for shoes, you begin to look at everyoneâs feet. When you decide to change your hairstyle, you look at everyoneâs haircut. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher. I watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world leaders. My findings? Amidst the sea of flashing teeth and parting lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they did, their smiles seemed to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call the following technique The Flooding Smile.
Technique 1:
The flooding smile
Donât flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other personâs face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile ...