The Ministry of Lesbian Affairs (NHB Modern Plays)

Iman Qureshi

• Editorial: Nick Hern Books
• Año: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781788505390
• Categoría: Littérature
• Categoría: Théâtre britannique

When banks and sandwich shops have more pride than we do, where can we go to be with our tribe?

It's 2022. There's a rainbow flag in every high-street window, and no lesbian bar. Enter The Ministry of Lesbian Affairs: a lesbian choir on a mission to unite a disparate and dwindling community. Led by a world-weary conductor, the choir flirt, gossip and attempt to sing their way onto the main stage at Pride.

But harmony is more easily dreamt than realised in this heart-warming musical comedy about love, queerness and belonging. Iman Qureshi's play The Ministry of Lesbian Affairs premiered at Soho Theatre, London, in 2022, as a co-production between Soho and Damsel Productions.

'Acerbic, moving and fun, with some really terrific writing... a charming, funny and inclusive piece of work' - Evening Standard

'So funny that your stomach aches from laughter... captures the fullness of a life that is rarely seen on stage... Here's hoping it goes far' - WhatsOnStage

'A warm cosy hug of a show, full of life, wit, and pathos that lingers long after its last notes fade' - Time Out

ACT ONE

Scene One

The choir is singing a rendition of ‘My Favourite Things’ with alternative lyrics. They sound good, but comical in their sincerity and performativity, with the occasional dud note. They are, after all, a no-audition choir of varying abilities.

CHORUS. Feminist essays and cute rescue kittens

Sensible footwear and vegan nutrition

Multiple orgasms and sharing feelings

These are a few of our favourite things

Girls with tight buzz cuts and ‘defund the police’ stickers

Short fingernails and highly skilled lickers

The soft brush of pubic hair on my chin

These are a few of our favourite things

When the patriarchy bites

When the ex-girlfriend stings

When I’m feeling pre-menstrual

I simply remember my favourite things

Then I don’t feel so bad!

Perhaps halfway through the song, LORI and ANA arrive late and listen from the entrance to the choir which continues to sing. They are bickering and whispering so as not to disturb the choir.

ANA. See! (Motioning to the choir.) They’ve started!

LORI. I’m so hungry. Couldn’t we have at least got dinner?

ANA rifles in her bag.

ANA. Have a nut.

LORI. A nut? That’s your solution?

ANA. Let’s go in after this.

LORI. Why a lesbian choir? I hate lesbians.

ANA. You’re a lesbian.

LORI. Don’t remind me.

ANA. See, this is your problem.

LORI. My problem!?

ANA. Yes, your homophobia.

LORI. My homophobia?!

ANA. You don’t need to repeat everything I say, it’s very undermining.

LORI. Undermining?

ANA. Well you won’t eat the nuts and you –

LORI. The nuts?

ANA. Yes the nuts

LORI. Give me the nuts!

LORI tips a portion of the nuts into her mouth – they’re shouting now and do not notice that the choir has stopped singing and can easily hear the shouts. CONNIE, the conductor, looks crossly towards them.

(Mouth full, still chewing.) Happy?!

ANA. Course I’m not happy!

LORI. Then why am I bothering to eat your nuts –

ANA. Fine give me back my nuts!

LORI. No –

They tussle over the nuts as CONNIE interrupts, the CHOIR following behind.

CONNIE. LADIES!

ANA and LORI jump and the nuts go flying everywhere. They realise everyone is staring at them.

Are those – nuts!?

LORI. Uh…

CONNIE. This is a nut-free zone?

She points to a sign on the wall.

ELLIE. Believe it or not, that’s not a metaphor.

ANA/LORI. Sorry…

They hastily begin to gather the nuts.

FI. Oh no, there are nuts everywhere now.

CONNIE. It’s just that sometimes we have members with allergies.

They finish picking up the remaining nuts.

ANA. That’s it I think.

CONNIE. Will you be joining us today?

BRIG. We don’t bite.

ELLIE. Unless you ask nicely. (Winks obscenely.)

LORI. No thanks.

LORI, furious, embarrassed, turns to leave.

ANA. Maybe next time.

LORI exits and ANA follows.

FI. Lesbians.

BRIG. Gotta love ’em.

ELLIE. Nut-free zone. Honestly.

CONNIE (to all the women there for choir). Come on then. Back to practice. Thank you for those uh – unique lyrics for our warm–up, Ellie.

ELLIE. Here all day, ladies, here all day.

CONNIE. Shall we finish up that last verse before moving on to our standard repertoire?

The CHOIR returns to singing.

Scene Two

A week or so later. A lavish West London flat. LORI is in her work uniform. A polo T-shirt with a company logo, knee-length shorts, boots and maybe even a bum bag. She’s got a box of tools and cables and is working on a broadband line. She sings the song in the earlier scene to herself as she works.

LORI. You’ve got a weak connection.

DINA (from off). Can you fix it?

LORI. Sure. Hardest part is spotting the problem.

DINA (from off). My husband really needs his sports channels.

LORI. Don’t worry, I got you covered.

DINA (enters). Thank god. He gets really stressed otherwise. You should have seen him on holiday when he couldn’t stream some football games. Did I want that holiday to be over fast. (Hands LORI some water.)

LORI. Thanks. Not many people offer you a drink in this job.

DINA. Want something stronger?

LORI. It’s nine-thirty.

DINA. I won’t judge. Be right back.

DINA leaves to pour herself a drink. We hear a pop. LORI carries on singing quietly. DINA returns, glass of champagne in hand, posing, her robe now parted to reveal a sexy negligee.

Busy day?

LORI. More of this. (Notices DINA’s negligee and looks away, awkwardly.) You?

DINA. Oh yes. I’m very busy. I’m going to put on this Woman’s Hour programme and listen to some sad conversation about periods or FGM or fertility or menopause or sexual harassment or domestic violence and think about how great it is to be a woman. Then maybe I’ll get my nails done before it’s get-the-kids-from-school time, and homework-time and bath-time and bedtime, before my husband comes home and I have to work out what’ll keep him in a good mood. Sometimes it’s a blowjob, but most of the time it’s Sky Sports, so I really, really, really need you to fix this internet.

LORI (a beat). So you’ve got kids?

DINA. Yes. You?

LORI. No.

DINA. You want them?

LORI. I’m not sure.

DINA. No, my kids, you want them?

LORI. Oh um, I’ll get back to you on that. (Beat.) You’re… American?

DINA. From Qatar. Know it?

LORI. World Cup.

DINA. Oh you like football?

LORI. Not really.

DINA. Thank god. No, I watched a lot of Friends growing up. The accent sticks.

LORI. How do you like London?

DINA. Four years in ...