ACT ONE
Scene One
The choir is singing a rendition of âMy Favourite Thingsâ with alternative lyrics. They sound good, but comical in their sincerity and performativity, with the occasional dud note. They are, after all, a no-audition choir of varying abilities.
CHORUS. Feminist essays and cute rescue kittens
Sensible footwear and vegan nutrition
Multiple orgasms and sharing feelings
These are a few of our favourite things
Girls with tight buzz cuts and âdefund the policeâ stickers
Short fingernails and highly skilled lickers
The soft brush of pubic hair on my chin
These are a few of our favourite things
When the patriarchy bites
When the ex-girlfriend stings
When Iâm feeling pre-menstrual
I simply remember my favourite things
Then I donât feel so bad!
Perhaps halfway through the song, LORI and ANA arrive late and listen from the entrance to the choir which continues to sing. They are bickering and whispering so as not to disturb the choir.
ANA. See! (Motioning to the choir.) Theyâve started!
LORI. Iâm so hungry. Couldnât we have at least got dinner?
ANA rifles in her bag.
ANA. Have a nut.
LORI. A nut? Thatâs your solution?
ANA. Letâs go in after this.
LORI. Why a lesbian choir? I hate lesbians.
ANA. Youâre a lesbian.
LORI. Donât remind me.
ANA. See, this is your problem.
LORI. My problem!?
ANA. Yes, your homophobia.
LORI. My homophobia?!
ANA. You donât need to repeat everything I say, itâs very undermining.
LORI. Undermining?
ANA. Well you wonât eat the nuts and you â
LORI. The nuts?
ANA. Yes the nuts
LORI. Give me the nuts!
LORI tips a portion of the nuts into her mouth â theyâre shouting now and do not notice that the choir has stopped singing and can easily hear the shouts. CONNIE, the conductor, looks crossly towards them.
(Mouth full, still chewing.) Happy?!
ANA. Course Iâm not happy!
LORI. Then why am I bothering to eat your nuts â
ANA. Fine give me back my nuts!
LORI. No â
They tussle over the nuts as CONNIE interrupts, the CHOIR following behind.
CONNIE. LADIES!
ANA and LORI jump and the nuts go flying everywhere. They realise everyone is staring at them.
Are those â nuts!?
LORI. UhâŠ
CONNIE. This is a nut-free zone?
She points to a sign on the wall.
ELLIE. Believe it or not, thatâs not a metaphor.
ANA/LORI. SorryâŠ
They hastily begin to gather the nuts.
FI. Oh no, there are nuts everywhere now.
CONNIE. Itâs just that sometimes we have members with allergies.
They finish picking up the remaining nuts.
ANA. Thatâs it I think.
CONNIE. Will you be joining us today?
BRIG. We donât bite.
ELLIE. Unless you ask nicely. (Winks obscenely.)
LORI. No thanks.
LORI, furious, embarrassed, turns to leave.
ANA. Maybe next time.
LORI exits and ANA follows.
FI. Lesbians.
BRIG. Gotta love âem.
ELLIE. Nut-free zone. Honestly.
CONNIE (to all the women there for choir). Come on then. Back to practice. Thank you for those uh â unique lyrics for our warmâup, Ellie.
ELLIE. Here all day, ladies, here all day.
CONNIE. Shall we finish up that last verse before moving on to our standard repertoire?
The CHOIR returns to singing.
Scene Two
A week or so later. A lavish West London flat. LORI is in her work uniform. A polo T-shirt with a company logo, knee-length shorts, boots and maybe even a bum bag. Sheâs got a box of tools and cables and is working on a broadband line. She sings the song in the earlier scene to herself as she works.
LORI. Youâve got a weak connection.
DINA (from off). Can you fix it?
LORI. Sure. Hardest part is spotting the problem.
DINA (from off). My husband really needs his sports channels.
LORI. Donât worry, I got you covered.
DINA (enters). Thank god. He gets really stressed otherwise. You should have seen him on holiday when he couldnât stream some football games. Did I want that holiday to be over fast. (Hands LORI some water.)
LORI. Thanks. Not many people offer you a drink in this job.
DINA. Want something stronger?
LORI. Itâs nine-thirty.
DINA. I wonât judge. Be right back.
DINA leaves to pour herself a drink. We hear a pop. LORI carries on singing quietly. DINA returns, glass of champagne in hand, posing, her robe now parted to reveal a sexy negligee.
Busy day?
LORI. More of this. (Notices DINAâs negligee and looks away, awkwardly.) You?
DINA. Oh yes. Iâm very busy. Iâm going to put on this Womanâs Hour programme and listen to some sad conversation about periods or FGM or fertility or menopause or sexual harassment or domestic violence and think about how great it is to be a woman. Then maybe Iâll get my nails done before itâs get-the-kids-from-school time, and homework-time and bath-time and bedtime, before my husband comes home and I have to work out whatâll keep him in a good mood. Sometimes itâs a blowjob, but most of the time itâs Sky Sports, so I really, really, really need you to fix this internet.
LORI (a beat). So youâve got kids?
DINA. Yes. You?
LORI. No.
DINA. You want them?
LORI. Iâm not sure.
DINA. No, my kids, you want them?
LORI. Oh um, Iâll get back to you on that. (Beat.) Youâre⊠American?
DINA. From Qatar. Know it?
LORI. World Cup.
DINA. Oh you like football?
LORI. Not really.
DINA. Thank god. No, I watched a lot of Friends growing up. The accent sticks.
LORI. How do you like London?
DINA. Four years in ...