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Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
Laurence Sterne
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Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
Laurence Sterne
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pubOne.info thank you for your continued support and wish to present you this new edition. Never poor Wight of a Dedicator had less hopes from his Dedication, than I have from this of mine; for it is written in a bye corner of the kingdom, and in a retir'd thatch'd house, where I live in a constant endeavour to fence against the infirmities of ill health, and other evils of life, by mirth; being firmly persuaded that every time a man smiles, - but much more so, when he laughs, it adds something to this Fragment of Life.
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Informations
Sujet
LiteratureSous-sujet
ClassicsChapter I.
  Great wits jump: for the moment Dr. Slop cast his
eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my
uncle Toby about mid-wifery put him in mind of it)â the very same
thought occurred. â 'Tis God's mercy, quoth he (to himself) that
Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of it, â else she might have been
brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots
could have got untied. â But here you must distinguishâ the thought
floated only in Dr. Slop's mind, without sail or ballast to it, as
a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are
every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a
man's understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards,
till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one
side.
  A sudden trampling in the room above, near my
mother's bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking
of. By all that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unless I make haste,
the thing will actually befall me as it is.
Chapter II.
  In the case of knots, â by which, in the first
place, I would not be understood to mean slip-knotsâ because in the
course of my life and opinionsâ my opinions concerning them will
come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great
uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy, â a little man, â but of high fancy:â he
rushed into the duke of Monmouth's affair:â nor, secondly, in this
place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bow-knots;
â there is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the
unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all
about them. â But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your
reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight,
hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his; â in which there
is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the
two ends of the strings thro' the annulus or noose made by the
second implication of themâ to get them slipp'd and undone by. â I
hope you apprehend me.
  In the case of these knots then, and of the several
obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast
in our way in getting through lifeâ every hasty man can whip out
his pen-knife and cut through them. â 'Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs,
the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience
dictateâ is to take our teeth or our fingers to them. â Dr. Slop
had lost his teethâ his favourite instrument, by extracting in a
wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately
slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knock'd out three of
the best of them with the handle of it:â he tried his fingersâ
alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close. â The
duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop.
â The trampling over head near my mother's bed-side increased. â
Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as
I live. â My mother gave a groan. â Lend me your penknifeâ I must
e'en cut the knots at lastâ pugh! â psha! â Lord! I have cut my
thumb quite across to the very boneâ curse the fellowâ if there was
not another man-midwife within fifty milesâ I am undone for this
boutâ I wish the scoundrel hang'dâ I wish he was shotâ I wish all
the devils in hell had him for a blockheadâ !
  My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could
not bear to hear him disposed of in such a mannerâ he had moreover
some little respect for himselfâ and could as ill bear with the
indignity offered to himself in it.
  Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumbâ
my father had pass'd it byâ his prudence had triumphed: as it was,
he was determined to have his revenge.
  Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth
my father (condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so
much waste of our strength and soul's health to no manner of
purpose. â I own it, replied Dr. Slop. â They are like
sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling) fired
against a bastion. â They serve, continued my father, to stir the
humoursâ but carry off none of their acrimony:â for my own part, I
seldom swear or curse at allâ I hold it badâ but if I fall into it
by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right,
quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purposeâ that is, I
swear on till I find myself easy. A wife and a just man however
would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these
humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himselfâ
but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are
to fall. â 'Injuries come only from the heart, 'â quoth my uncle
Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most
Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for
that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this
point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of
swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest
provocation which could possibly happen to himâ which forms being
well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he
kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, ready
for use. â I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing
was ever thought ofâ much less executed. I beg your pardon,
answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to
my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour'd out the teaâ 'tis
here upon the shelf over my head; â but if I remember right, 'tis
too violent for a cut of the thumb. â Not at all, quoth Dr. Slopâ
the devil take the fellow. â Then, answered my father, 'Tis much at
your service, Dr. Slopâ on condition you will read it aloud; â so
rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church
of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his
collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of
Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishopâ with a most affected
seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus
himselfâ he put it into Dr. Slop's hands. â Dr. Slop wrapt his
thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face,
though without any suspicion, read aloud, as followsâ my uncle Toby
whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.
  (As the geniuneness of the consultation of the
Sorbonne upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and
denied by othersâ 'twas thought proper to print the original of
this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns
thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of Rochester.
)
Chapter III.
Textus de Ecclesia Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.
Excommunicatio.
Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et
sanctorum canonum, sanctaeque et entemeratae Virginis Dei genetricis
Mariae, â
â Atque omnium coelestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum,
dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum,
prophetarum, & omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum
innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare
novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum
virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei, â Excommunicamus,
et
vel
os s vel
os
anathematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc
Os
malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanctae Dei ecclesiae sequestramus, et
aeternis
vel i n
suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui
dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede a nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et
ficut aqua ignis extinguatur lu- vel eorum
cerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resque- n n
rit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.
os
Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui homi- os
nem creavit. Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.
Maledicat
os
illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef-
os
fusus est. Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostra salute
hostem triumphans ascendit.
os
Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et
os
perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor
sa-
os
crarum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et
potestates, omnisque militia coelestis.
os
Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat
os
illum sanctus Johannes Praecursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus,
et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul
et caeteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistae, qui sua praedicatione
mundum universum converte-
os
runt. Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo
bonis operibus placitus inventus est.
os
Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quae mundi vana causa honoris
Christi respuenda contempserunt. Male- os
dicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo
dilecti inveniuntur.
os
Maledicant illum coeli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.
i n n
Maledictus sit ubicunque, fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in via,
sive in semita, sive in silva, sive in aqua, sive in ecclesia.
i n
Maledict...