ACT ONE
Deck of Cruise Ship
Simply indicated â a row of deck chairs at the front of the stage.
Above this â and at all times â there is a screen that shows additional action. At the moment it shows the sky and the sea.
PETER and ELSA, sitting on deck. PETER (mid-forties) is studying his laptop with a frown.
Two deckchairs along, is ELSA â they are clearly acquainted with each other, but are not fellow travellers. She is a powerful battleaxe of a woman, hard to guess her age.
When they speak she is obviously American â drawling, confident, unabashed â and he is English â mordant and always slightly cross.
ELSA. What are you looking at?
PETER. Donald Trump.
ELSA. Why?
PETER. He makes me angry.
ELSA. Do you like being angry?
PETER. I love being angry. I never know what I think about anything until Iâm against it. Itâs why I read the Guardian.
ELSA contemplates this for a moment.
ELSA.âŠI donât have a relationship with anger.
PETER. A what, sorry?
ELSA. Iâm never really angry about anything.
PETER. How can you start the day without hating someone? Itâs why they have news in the morning.
ELSA. I guess I just really like people. Iâm people positive.
PETER. Yeah?
ELSA. Itâs just who I am. I donât hate anyone.
PETER. Yeah? What about him?
He shows her the picture on his laptop. She studies it for a moment, considers.
ELSA. Iâd do him.
PETER. Donald Trump??
ELSA. Yeah. I think heâs funny. Iâd do him.
PETER. Look at him.
ELSA. Iâm looking.
PETER. Heâs ancient.
ELSA (shrugs). My husbandâs dead â the bar is low.
PETER. Donât say that. Donât you sit there and say that to me. On a cruise. When Iâm on holiday. Donât say youâd do Donald Trump.
ELSA. I voted for him.
PETER. No. Donât. Donât say that.
ELSA. Everybody voted for him.
PETER. He lost the election.
ELSA. He only lost because of fraud and people voting against him.
PETER. Voting against him is not fraud.
ELSA. Oh, Peter, youâre all tense now.
PETER. Iâm not tense.
ELSA. I can hear you clenching.
PETER. Iâm not clenching.
ELSA. Oh, honey, look at you â you could snap a proctologist off at the knuckle.
PETER. Iâm fine!
ELSA. Are you angry now, Peter?
PETER. Yes! Yes, I am.
ELSA. Youâre welcome. Enjoy!
PETER laughs. Fair point.
PETER. You know. Iâm going to miss our deckchair chats!
ELSA. Me too. Iâm always hoping youâll be here when I come out.
PETER. Likewise.
ELSA. You or somebody.
DEBBIE enters. Also mid-forties, PETERâs wife â teasing, sunny.
DEBBIE. Have you started packing?
PETER. Broadly.
DEBBIE. Hello, Elsa.
ELSA. Debbie, my sweet. Your husband is angry.
DEBBIE (checking the laptop). Donald Trump?
PETER. Have you seen this? Have you seen what heâs done now?
DEBBIE. Whatâs he done?
PETER. Iâm still reading.
DEBBIE. Why do you have to read about Donald Trump every morning?
PETER. You wonât let me have coffee.
DEBBIE. Your doctor wonât let you have coffee, itâs bad for your blood pressure.
PETER. Actually, itâs irrelevant. My blood pressure finds a way.
ELSA. My husband loved coffee. He used to say âGive me coffee or give me death!â Now heâs got death. So I guess that worked out.
DEBBIE. You see? Donât you want me to be remembering you fondly some day?
PETER. Itâs not something Iâm actively looking forward to, no.
DEBBIE. Just me then.
PETER. Oh, youâre funny. Isnât she funny, my wife?
DEBBIE. So, darling â have you started packing?
PETER. Iâm homing in.
DEBBIE. Which means?
PETER. Everythingâs in the cabin. I just have to put it in the case.
DEBBIE. Docking in two hours.
PETER. I know.
DEBBIE. I know you know. And I know you think, if you leave it long enough, Iâll pack for you.
(To ELSA.) Game of chicken basically.
PETER. Slow chicken.
DEBBIE. Marriage, as itâs known.
ELSA. I love your relationship. With all your remarks.
PETER. There you are, darling. Elsa loves our remarks.
ELSA (to PETER). You should be more happy though.
PETER. Happiness is misinformation. Itâs like being an antelope. Somewhere a lion is watching you.
ELSA. Are you ever in Denver?
DEBBIE. Well, no.
ELSA. Might you ever be in Denver?
DEBBIE. Well â I suppose so, itâs possible â
ELSA. When you come to Denver, I want you to look me up. Elsa Jean Krakowski.
PETER. Well, of course, weâd love to â
ELSA. Promise me â I mean it. Donât you two dare come to Denver without looking me up.
PETER. If weâre ever in Denver, we will definitely do that.
ELSA. Elsa Jean Krakowski. Promise?
PETER. We promise!
ELSA. Cross your heart?
PETER. Cross our hearts.
ELSA. Hope to die?
PETER.âŠokay.
ELSA. My husband used to say that. âHope to die.â Now heâs dead. And people say God doesnât listen.
DEBBIE.âŠAnyway. I think Peter is wanting to go and pack.
PETER. Darling, are you wanting me to go and pack?
DEBBIE. Are you getting that sense?
PETER. Twenty years of marriage â itâs like telepathy, but more hostile.
DEBBIE. Iâll help you.
PETER. Will you?
DEBBIE. You canât be allowed to pack a suitcase on your own â youâll only get into a fight.
ELSA. You two, go pack. Iâm already packed. Iâm always packed, because you never know.
DEBBIE. Your friend, Barnaby. I saw him on the upper deck, if youâre looking for him.
ELSA. Oh, Barnaby. I have to apologise for Barnaby.
DEBBIE. Not at all.
ELSA. ...