Picture Perfect
SHARISSE TRACEY
DADDY MOVED US OUT TO CALIFORNIA WHEN I WAS FIVE; Mommy didnât like it there. I hated being there as an only child mostly because, if Iâd had a brother or sister, I wouldâve had someone to play with. Daddy said that I was spoiled, but I worked more at thirteen than he did; like Cliff Huxtable, he was home a lot while Mommy worked at the phone company.
My dad was a freelance photographer who worked steady for a while until he got too sick with sickle cell. I never really saw him in a photo shoot with models (or women wanting to be models), but I sure saw the results in his albums. My mom didnât seem to mind about the picturesâor, if she did, I didnât know. I never heard them arguing about his photography or the women in the shots.
Despite moving around a lot, we always had a darkroom where he developed his precious photos; heâd spend hours in there, but I had strict instructions never to enter. He smelled after being in there, a caustic cologne of chemicals and Benson & Hedges from which I was largely spared because he rarely ever even hugged me. The only time I was close to him was when I helped him do test shots.
âStand there and look straight into the lens, Tracey,â heâd say. âDonât move.â
I would stare at the lens or the tip of his cigarette; I was just a prop, a way to test out new equipment and practice before the occasional big freelance gigs that helped camouflage the fact that he wasnât the primary breadwinner.
The year I was thirteen, my friends and I wanted model-like pictures of ourselves, the Glamour Shots kind that would eventually infiltrate every mid-American strip mall. Our pubescent hearts were set on mature photosâracy evenâin our bathing suits, and weâd pinned our hopes for them on the one photographer who captured all the young girls in PasadenaâTate. Iâd already tagged along with another girl from school and witnessed her photo session. I knew the setup. Safety was not my concern.
âThat old guy in the wheelchair?â said my mother when I asked. âOh no, no no no. I donât trust him.â
âBut, Mom, he takes everyoneâs pictures in Pasadena!â
âSharisse,â she said, âyou donât know what that man could do!â
At the time, I didnât get what she was implying, but, yes, he was pretty much Child Pornographer #1 from Central Casting, an aging hippie in a wheelchair, making a living taking pictures of young girls in a dark house. But I never had any problems with him; heâd never said or done anything to me that felt off.
âWhy not let your daddy take your pictures?â she said. âHe takes great photographs.â
âDaddy?â Iâd never thought of my father. Why would I? I knew he took great pictures but we were talking about Glamour Shots, in swimwear. . . . And he was my father.
It wasnât just modesty, though: my father and I didnât have a good relationship because I had stubbornly refused to be a son. I would have never thought to ask him for anything remotely supportive; I didnât ask him for anything.
But I took my motherâs suggestion because I was thirteen and impatient: I wanted pictures that made me feel pretty and important (and maybe a little bit sexy), and nothing says lightning-fast delivery quite like a man with a camera and darkroom already in your home.
When I asked my father to do something for me for the first time ever, I was alone in the house. He said yes and decided to do it right away: my friends, who had always been more skeptical of my motherâs suggestion than I was, ended up being busy that day, and so it was just me.
Daddy set up our dining room that day to look like a photography studio, putting up the blue backdrop screen that he used with his Real Models without talking much. He was always very serious when taking pictures. He told me to put on my bathing suit, but I didnât actually have one, despite my plans with my friends. My last known bathing suit had gotten lost in the six months we were homeless. According to the boys at school, only my legs, forehead, and smile were getting bigger, not my butt or breasts. As much as I loved the water, I hadnât had a reason to replace it. All I had was my new blue-and-white polka-dot bra and panty set that Mommy just bought me from JCPenney.
âItâs no different than a bikini, Tracey,â he said. âReal models wear much less than this.â
But I wasnât a real model, and he was my daddy.
He sent me to get the baby oil from the bathroom, then flipped open the pink top, and poured the oil into his hands. He showed me how to apply it, the way his real models did. My father rubbed the oil on the uppermost part of my back and shoulders as if he were frosting one of the delicate cakes he baked. He wanted my body to glisten.
âJust relax, Tracey, youâre doing fine, there is nothing to worry about.â
I didnât feel fine, but I tried to reassure myself. I know Daddy is a photographer, I thought. I know he takes good pictures. I know Mommy thought it was a good idea. She didnât want Old Man Tate to take my pictures. Maybe if Mommy was here I would be more comfortable. I should say something to Daddy, tell him I want to wait.
I didnât. Instead, I kept telling myself, If Iâm ever going to be a Real Model, I have to get used to this.
Finally the photo shoot ended, and I went to change clothes in my room when he called to me.
âYes, Daddy?â
âI need you to come in here for a minute.â
Daddy had an idea: he asked me to lie down on the bed for a few shots in my bra and panties. I was confused; all the other pictures were taken in the makeshift dining room studio.
âEverything will be okay, Tracey,â he said. âJust relax.â
He laid me down gently and, one hand holding his camera, the other moved the crotch of my brand-new blue- and-white polka-dot panties to one side.
For once, I was glad I didnât have a little sister.
I TOLD MOMMY A WEEK LATER.
She looked at me hard and then she hugged me even harder. She asked why Iâd waited seven days to tell her, but I didnât have an answer. Mommy didnât say anything else; we just went and rode home from her job in silence.
Of course Daddy denied it; I expected that. I didnât expect Mommy to believe him, and she didnât.
So after Daddy finally confessed, I assumed Mommy would throw him out; all along, I had thought that Mommy stayed with Daddy because he was sick and she felt sorry for him.
But she didnât make him leave.
It was her house, she paid the bills, and she worked. He didnât. Why did she still care for him and let him stay, after what heâd done to their daughter? I was so filled with rage; I couldnât understand her pain and I didnât understand her choices. How could she, after all this, love us both equally, maybe even love him a little more than she did me? Even though he raped me, it was treated as something we were both guilty of; I just refused to wear my half of the shame.
My father attended our church sporadically. His health was always an excuse for absence while his photography afforded him plenty of opportunities to be seen at his best. Our pastor, reverends, and deacons all held him in high regard, so when my mother sought advice from our church, it was treated much in the way as the counselor had. No one could believe it. They left us to deal with the matter the best way we knew how, on our own.
A counselor coworker of Daddyâs warned my mom that she should let him stay because if my father were forced to leave, the overall damage to our family could be irreversible. I thought it very ironic, given all the times my father was unemployed, that it was an associate of his who came to our aid. As a counselor, he volunteered his services to the family as a favor to my father. This doctor, like most of the people my father was in contact with, believed him to be a good and decent man.
âYour father told me what happened, Tracey,â the counselor said as I sat on the edge of the chair in his hospital office two weeks later. âDo you think you can forgive him?â he asked.
My parents sat on the couch on the other side of the room, my mother on one side, gripping her purse, and my father quietly on the other, his head down and his eyes up. It was the second time in two weeks that Iâd been asked to forgive something I was struggling to comprehend on the most basic level. (Daddy had also asked me for my forgiveness, after he stopped denying to my mother that heâd raped me.)
The psychiatrist paused expectantly, as though Iâd missed my cue.
âIâll try,â I said.
âGood, good, good, Tracey,â he said.
âMy name is Sharisse,â I said. âOnly Daddy calls me Tracey.â
Daddy, and his whole family, had wanted me to be a boy, so they never used my first name: they all called me Tracey because it could conceivably be a boyâs name.
âOkay, Tracey . . . sorry, Sharisse,â the so-called counselor droned on. âIâve had a long talk with your father. I know him quite well, you know. Heâs very sorry and I donât think he will ever do this again. This was just a onetime thing.â
Daddyâs friend was so glib about Daddy raping me, as if it was just a fluke, a regrettable blip on an otherwise unblemished record, like that one time you drove blackout drunk, or that one time you stole your grandmotherâs purse and did black tar heroin: that one time you raped your only child.
âBesides, youâll come back to see me. Weâll talk about whateverâs confusing you. Youâre a good girl, Tracey, right? Tell me, Tracey, whereâs your favorite place to go?â
âWhat do you mean?â I said, without correcting him about my name again.
âYou know, your favorite place!â he said enthusiastically, as if it were a perfectly natural segue from talking about That One Time Your Father Raped You Which Will Totally Never Happen Again He Swears.
âI think the three of you should go someplace. As a family. You pick!â
âI donât know,â I said.
âCâmon, Tracey,â he wheedled. âWhereâs your favorite place to go? Where would you really like to go? Anyplace at all!â
âI just went to Magic Mountain with my eighth-grade class.â
âThatâs it,â he said, clapping his hands with a satisfied grin at my stricken parents. âMagic Mountain. There. Take her to Magic Mountain.â
WHEN MY FATHER WAS INSIDE ME, THERE WAS A MOMENT that I didnât cry. The minute before I didnât cr...