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Stop Thinking, Start Living
Discover Lifelong Happiness
Richard Carlson
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eBook - ePub
Stop Thinking, Start Living
Discover Lifelong Happiness
Richard Carlson
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Sujet
PsychologieSous-sujet
Geschichte & Theorie in der PsychologieOne / Possibilities
Jim and Yvonne had been married for 32 mostly unhappy years when they discovered that Jim had a cancerous life-threatening tumour. Prior to discovering this information, the couple had lived together in an almost constant state of irritation. There was frequent conflict and anger, ongoing disputes and disagreement on virtually every issue surrounding their lives together. Their love for each other had been, in Jimâs words, âlost many years agoâ.
A curious thing happened the moment they found out about the tumour. Both Jim and Yvonne experienced a sudden shift in their consciousness. The anger that had suffocated their love for so many years disappeared, their disagreements faded away and now seemed insignificant, and their love for one another resurfaced, almost magically, as though it had never left to begin with.
What happened? This couple experienced what is commonly referred to as âa change of heartâ. No one knows exactly how or when this kind of sudden shift or change will occur, but we do know that they exist and that they are possible.
A sudden shift in consciousness can occur in any area of human life that has to do with how we feel, whether it be relationships, feeling anxious, feeling down, or any other immobilizing emotion. Consider an eight-year-old child who goes to bed every night frightened by the thought of an imagined monster behind the wardrobe door. Suddenly, one day, out of nowhere, she realizes that the monster isnât real, that it exists only in her own mind. Interesting questions include: Why did the child have this realization on this particular day? What was it that made her realize the monster wasnât real? The answers to these questions are surprisingly vague. We donât know for sure, except to say that a new level of understanding surfaced within the consciousness of the child.
Another example of a sudden shift is the person who swears that he is going to stop smoking. Week after week, year after year, he promises heâs going to do it. You, as a friend, have heard the same story many times. Then, one day, for no apparent reason, your friend tells you the very same thing, only this time you know that he means it. Something is different. Something has changed. You canât quite put your finger on it, but you know he will never smoke again. And indeed, he never does.
While the particulars of each sudden shift are unique, there are common denominators that seem to exist in all cases. First, the âshiftâ itself doesnât necessarily build on what we already know, but instead is seen suddenly, as if out of nowhere. In other words, the amount of information we have on the subject isnât the critical factor. For example, I was working with a client, George, who had spent his entire life feeling prejudice about people of a specific race. He had a sudden shift in his perspective and realized (in his words), âWhat a fool I have been.â What made this particular example so intriguing to me was that the two of us had never spoken about his prejudice. I never even knew he had this problem. His realization came about as he was discussing how his own thinking sometimes got in the way of his relationship with his wife. The shift that occurred in his consciousness was achieved without obtaining additional information about âthe problemâ. He had intellectually known for years that all prejudice stems from ignorance, yet he still felt prejudice, until that moment. Something shifted within him while he was thinking about something else.
I had a sudden shift of my own that is equally difficult to explain. I had spent my entire life frightened to death of public speaking. The very thought of speaking to a group made me sweat, and in two instances I actually fainted! Then, one day while eating lunch with some friends at a conference I was attending, I realized there was nothing to fear. I canât explain exactly why or how I had this insight, only that it happened. To this day, I am very comfortable speaking to groups of any size and do so quite frequently.
Second, sudden shifts are accompanied by a feeling of inspiration, sometimes described as âa light feelingâ, or âa nice feelingâ. Yvonne and Jim each described their sudden shift as a âfeeling of incredible reliefâ, as though a huge emotional burden had been lifted. Many clients have reported to me similar feelings of being âupliftedâ in some powerful way as they experienced an insight that changed the way they looked at life. This feeling is often described as a sense of self-confidence. Later, I will discuss this in a context of your healthy psychological functioning.
Finally, sudden shifts are permanent in nature. When a shift occurs, there doesnât seem to be any turning back, at least not all the way. For example, itâs hard for me to imagine being frightened by the act of speaking to a group. I can, however, have empathy for those who do, because I remember what it feels like. The idea of Yvonne and Jim hating each other, as they did for so long, seems ridiculous. And my client George chuckles at the thought of disliking someone because of the colour of his skin. This is the nature of insight â it happens, and from that moment forward life looks different.
An interesting and important point about sudden shifts is this: there is no relationship between the âfeeling betterâ aspect of sudden shifts and the external appearance of life getting better. So, for example, a person who experiences a sudden shift in the way she feels about her finances didnât do so because she had just inherited a large estate or won the football pools. She experienced the shift because she looked at the same set of facts in a new way. Whatever it was that she saw, it affected her enough that money will no longer be a source of inner conflict in her life.
Certainly Yvonne and Jim were no better off. To the contrary, Jim was given a terminal diagnosis. Yet both he and Yvonne felt more love for each other than ever before.
Likewise, the child who had the realization about the imagined monster in her wardrobe wasnât any better off. The monster was never there to begin with! This is the nature of sudden shifts. They occur through a shift in understanding â not through a change in circumstance.
This is a book about possibilities. Be open to the possibility that this book will help you have your own sudden shift. If you do, your experience of life will change before your eyes. You will feel better, more joyful, more relaxed, and more secure. Absolutely nothing needs to change in your life in order for you to feel better. You simply need to see something about the nature of your own thinking that you didnât see before. Your sudden shift can happen instantly and it can be profound.
Commitment
As you will see throughout this book, happiness is a moment-to-moment choice that each of us makes. In order to be happy, you must first decide to be happy. You must make a commitment to happiness.
Itâs important to know that commitment to learning the art of happiness is not exactly what it seems to be at first glance. Most people make the mistake of confusing commitment to happiness with the decision to make their life better in some way. Although these two ideas seem related, they are not necessarily so. As you have probably noticed, you can change everything in your life without affecting your level of happiness one single bit. You can earn more money, get yourself out of trouble, meet new friends, get a new job, solve a problem, get a degree, get married, or acquire something you have always wanted, yet still feel unsatisfied. The reason for this is that happiness exists independently of your circumstances; itâs a feeling that you can learn to live in.
The way to get the most out of this book is to approach it with the understanding that itâs possible to learn to be happy without changing anything in your life â except your relationship to your own thinking. The American philosopher Emerson once said, âThe ancestor to every action is a thought.â Everything in your life is a function of the way you relate to your thinking. As you think, so shall you be.
Commitment is a powerful tool for change. It takes pressure off you by removing the uncertainty that often accompanies a lack of commitment. Marriage, for example, is a commitment. When a couple gets married there is a reasonable belief that, regardless of what might happen, the commitment will carry the couple through. Prior to marriage, people often feel insecure about losing their partner. The commitment relieves their anxiety and gives them the freedom to âlet goâ of their concerns; it fosters hope.
Without commitment, success in any venture is difficult. Whether you are dieting, studying for an exam, learning to play tennis, starting a project or deciding to be happy, commitment is an important step.
When you make a commitment to happiness you are in effect saying: âThere is so much in life that I canât control â the world, other people and their choices and reactions, accidents, imperfections, suffering, hardships. Yet this is my life and regardless of what happens, Iâm going to be happy.â
Whenever you attach conditions to your happiness you wonât experience it. The same mental process that attaches your happiness to a specific outcome will only repeat that pattern once that outcome is obtained. A person who believes that âhaving childrenâ will make her happy will then create new conditions to be met once the children arrive. She may then believe that she will be happy when the infant stage is over, or the terrible twoâs, or when she has enough money to meet her growing familyâs needs. Your commitment to happiness itself allows you to let go of all your preconditions. Instead of having conditions, you say to yourself: âNo matter how difficult it seems, Iâm going to practise the mental processes that will lead me to happiness.â
Being happy isnât always easy. In fact, it can be one of the great challenges in life. True maturity means taking responsibility for our own happiness â right now. It means choosing to concentrate on what we have instead of what we lack.
Commitment is the first step in allowing you to regain the positive feelings that you are looking for. Most of us believe that by solving our problems, or improving our relationships, we will find contentment, but this means that our happiness must be postponed until some future date when those conditions are met. Commitment is a step towards bringing that future to the present.
Happiness is the result of a decision to be happy. You may believe that you will one day arrive at a place called happiness, that one day everything will fall into place and you will be able to say: âGreat, here I am. Iâve made it to happiness land.â Obviously, this isnât going to happen. Regardless of how good your life gets and how many of your dreams come true, you will still have to make the decision to be happy. You will still have to make the commitment. There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way!
The information in this book will act as a navigational tool that will guide you towards happiness. Remember that your goal is to be happy. Make the commitment and use the tools in this book to take you there. So letâs get started!
Two / Your Thoughts and the Way You Feel
We are all constantly thinking â and itâs a good thing that we do! Without the ability to think, our lives would seem to have little significance. Itâs important to realize that you are constantly thinking. Donât be fooled into believing that you are already aware of this fact, because you probably are not. Think, for a moment, about your breathing. Until the moment I brought it to your attention, you had most certainly lost sight of the fact that you were doing it. Breathing is so natural and automatic that unless you are out of breath you simply forget that youâre doing it.
Thinking works the same way. Because youâre always doing it, itâs easy to forget that itâs happening, and it becomes invisible to you. Unlike breathing, however, forgetting that you are thinking, even for a moment, can cause some serious problems in your life, including unhappiness, even depression. The reason is that your thinking will always come back to you as a feeling. Let me explain: the way you feel right now is the result of your thoughts at this very moment. In a broader sense, the way you feel is always determined by the thoughts you are thinking. Suppose you have the thought as you are reading this material. âThis is far too simplistic â my problems are far more serious than Dr Carlson could possibly imagine.â The result of this thought would be that you would be feeling sceptical and pessimistic right now. This is not a coincidence. Before you had these thoughts, you werenât feeling pessimistic. Your thoughts created your sceptical feeling, the words I have written did not. If the words themselves created feelings, then everyone who read them would feel the same way, which of course they donât. The relationship between your thinking and how you are feeling is formed so fast (in a tiny fraction of a second) that almost no one realizes itâs occurring. Yet this cause-and-effect relationship between thoughts and feelings is one of the most powerful phenomena you will ever experience as a human being.
Now suppose that as you were reading the morning paper, you came across an article about a little girl who was rescued from a burning building. As you read the story you had the thought, âWhat a relief.â As soon as you had this inspiring thought you felt an uplifting of your spirits. Again, your emotion was created by your thoughts about the event â not the event itself. If you had thought differently, you would have felt differently. For example, if you had the thought, âItâs about time they included a happy story. The papers are always filled with bad news,â you wouldnât have felt uplifted but pessimistic. The feelings that accompany the thoughts you are having happen in an instant. This psychological dynamic is true all the time â there are no exceptions. Whenever you have a thought, and believe that thought to be true, you will feel a corresponding emotional response to that thought. Your thoughts always create your emotions. Understanding the significance of this fact is the first step in escaping from unhappiness and depression.
Negative and pessimistic thoughts, regardless of their specific content, are the root cause of all of your negative and self-defeating emotions. In fact, itâs neurologically impossible for you to feel anything without first having a thought â you simply wouldnât have a reference point. Try feeling guilty without first thinking guilty thoughts. Try feeling angry without thinking about something that makes you angry. You canât do it. In order to experience an event, you must process that event in your mind thereby interpreting it and giving it meaning and significance. This understanding has enormous implications. It suggests that if you feel unhappy, itâs not your life, your circumstances, your genes, or your true nature that is creating your unhappiness â itâs your thinking. Unhappiness doesnât, and canât, exist on its own. Unhappiness is the feeling that accompanies your negative thinking about your life. In the absence of that thinking, the unhappiness canât exist. There is nothing to hold your negative feelings in place other than your thinking.
I am not saying that there are never physiological components that compound an unhappy or depressed state, or that make a person predisposed to unhappiness or depression. I am saying, however, that without thought there is no fuel to throw on the fire, there is nothing to foster the predisposition or physiological components into a reality.
Itâs interesting to note that there have always been people who would seem to have every reason to be depressed â circumstances that depress some of us just hearing about them: helpless poverty, unbelievable hardships, cruel treatment by others. But some people simply donât experience unhappiness regardless of how serious their circumstances appear to be. They make the best out of the situation they are in. There are other people who apparently have every reason to feel happiness and contentment, people who are often tormented by depression. Rather than appreciating what they have, they focus on what they would rather have.
Thinking Turns Events into Problems
Letâs suppose that two of your friends are getting divorced. You had always assumed that if anyone could make it, this couple could. On Wednesday, the couple started divorce proceedings, and a week later your friend called you to tell you the news. âOh no,â you say and instantly begin to feel bad. Interesting, isnât it? The event has already taken place, itâs long over. But now, as you think about the event, you start to feel bad. Clearly the event itself didnât make you feel bad. It happened seven days ago and you didnât even know about it. Your thoughts about the event are the guilty party, responsible for the way you feel. The event was certainly ârealâ but it meant nothing to you â it was neutral â until you were able to bring it to life through your thinking. Interestingly enough, had your thinking interpreted the divorce differently, you would have felt differently. You may just as easily have thought to yourself, âOh well, I suppose only they can know what is best for them.â This thought may have left you with a feeling of compassion and understanding.
Think of a more mundane example â snow. For some people snow means snowballs, sledges, skiing, and snowmen. For these people, snow is cause for great celebration! For others, however, snow means dead batteries, a slushy mess, cold weather, and so on. In short, the snow is cause for a lot of complaining. Take note, however, that the snow itself doesnât care how you think about it. The snow is neutral. It just exists and goes on being snow. It doesnât cause the positive or the negative reactions and feelings you may have. Only your thinking can do that for you. I hope this illustrates how you use your thinking to create emotional responses which give you an experience of life. Your thinking, not the events themselves, cause your emoti...