WAR DANCES (2009)
Sherman Alexie
Born in 1966, of Coeur dāAlene and Spokane heritage, Alexie has been publishing poems and fiction since 1993. He is the most colloquial of writers in this anthology, writing with a confessional voice that is often humorous. His books have won many awards; he adapted his early stories for the movie Smoke Signals (1998). The strange, great, and discursive āWar Dancesā is the title story of one of his recent collections of short fiction.
1. My Kafka Baggage
A few years ago, after I returned from a trip to Los Angeles, I unpacked my bag and found a dead cockroach, shrouded by a dirty sock, in a bottom corner. āShit,ā I thought. āWeāre being invaded.ā And so I threw the unpacked clothes, books, shoes, and toiletries back into the suitcase, carried it out onto the driveway, and dumped the contents onto the pavement, ready to stomp on any other cockroach stowaways. But there was only the one cockroach, stiff and dead. As he lay on the pavement, I leaned closer to him. His legs were curled under his body. His head was tilted at a sad angle. Sad? Yes, sad. For who is lonelier than the cockroach without his tribe? I laughed at myself. I was feeling empathy for a dead cockroach. I wondered about its story. How had it got into my bag? And where? At the hotel in Los Angeles? In an airport baggage system? It didnāt originate in our house. Weāve kept those tiny bastards away from our place for fifteen years. So what had happened to this little vermin? Did he smell something delicious in my bagāmy musky deodorant or some crumb of chocolate Power Barāand climb inside, only to be crushed by the shifts of fate and garment bags? As he died did he feel fear? Isolation? Existential dread?
2. Symptoms
Last summer, in reaction to various allergies I was suffering from, defensive mucus flooded my inner right ear and confused, frightened, untied, and unmoored me. Simply stated, I could not fucking hear a thing from that side, so I had to turn my head to understand what my two sons, ages eight and ten, were saying.
āWeāre hungry,ā they said. āWe keep telling you.ā
They wanted to be fed. And I had not heard them.
āMom would have fed us by now,ā they said.
Their mother had left for Italy with her mother two days ago. My sons and I were going to enjoy a boysā week, filled with unwashed socks, REI rock wall climbing, and ridiculous heaps of pasta.
āWhat are you going to cook?ā my sons asked. āWhy havenāt you cooked yet?ā
Iād been lying on the couch reading a book while they played and I had not realized that Iād gone partially deaf. So I, for just a moment, could only weakly blame the silenceāno, the contradictory roar that only I could hear.
Then I recalled the man who went to the emergency room because heād woken having lost most, if not all, of his hearing. The doctor peered into one ear, saw an obstruction, reached in with small tweezers, and pulled out a cockroach, then reached into the other ear, and extracted a much larger cockroach. Did you know that ear wax is a delicacy for roaches?
I cooked dinner for my sonsāoverfed them out of guiltāand cleaned the hell out of our home. Then I walked into the bathroom and stood close to my mirror. I turned my head and body at weird angles, and tried to see deeply into my congested ear. I sang hymns and prayed that Iād see a small angel trapped in the canal. I would free the poor thing, and sheād unfurl and pat dry her tiny wings, then fly to my lips and give me a sweet kiss for sheltering her metamorphosis.
3. The Symptoms Worsen
When I woke at three a.m., completely unable to hear out of my clogged right ear and positive that a damn swarm of locusts was wedged inside, I left a message for my doctor, and told him that I would be sitting outside his office when he reported to work.
This would be the first time I had been inside a health-care facility since my fatherās last surgery.
4. Blankets
After the surgeon cut off my fatherās right footāno, half of my fatherās right footāand three toes from the left, I sat with him in the recovery room. It was more like a recovery hallway. There was no privacy, not even a thin curtain. I guessed it made it easier for the nurses to monitor the postsurgical patients, but still, my father was exposedāhis decades of poor health and worse decisions were illuminatedāon white sheets in a white hallway under white lights.
āAre you okay?ā I asked. It was a stupid question. Who could be okay after such a thing? Yesterday, my father had walked into the hospital. Okay, heād shuffled while balanced on two canes, but that was still called walking. A few hours ago, my father still had both of his feet. Yes, his feet and toes had been black with rot and disease but theyād still been, technically speaking, feet and toes. And, most important, those feet and toes had belonged to my father. But now they were gone, sliced off. Where were they? What did they do with the right foot and the toes from the left foot? Did they throw them in the incinerator? Were their ashes floating over the city?
āDoctor, Iām cold,ā my father said.
āDad, itās me,ā I said.
āI know who are you. Youāre my son.ā But considering the blankness in my fatherās eyes, I assumed he was just guessing at my identity.
āDad, youāre in the hospital. You just had surgery.ā
āI know where I am. Iām cold.ā
āDo you want another blanket?ā Another stupid question. Of course, he wanted another blanket. He probably wanted me to build a fucking campfire or drag in one of those giant propane heaters that NFL football teams used on the sidelines.
I walked down the hallwayāthe recovery hallwayāto the nursesā station. There were three women nurses, two white and one black. Being Native American-Spokane and Coeur dāAlene Indian, I hoped my darker pigment would give me an edge with the black nurse, so I addressed her directly.
āMy father is cold,ā I said. āCan I get another blanket?ā
The black nurse glanced up from her paperwork and regarded me. Her expression was neither compassionate nor callous.
āHow can I help you, sir?ā she asked.
āIād like another blanket for my father. Heās cold.ā
āIāll be with you in a moment, sir.ā
She looked back down at her paperwork. She made a few notes. Not knowing what else to do, I stood there and waited.
āSir,ā the black nurse said. āIāll be with you in a moment.ā
She was irritated. I understood. After all, how many thousands of times had she been asked for an extra blanket? She was a nurse, an educated woman, not a damn housekeeper. And it was never really about an extra blanket, was it? No, when people asked for an extra blanket, they were asking for a time machine. And, yes, she knew she was a health care provider, and she knew she was supposed to be compassionate, but my father, an alcoholic, diabetic Indian with terminally damaged kidneys, had just endured an incredibly expensive surgery for what? So he could ride his motorized wheelchair to the bar and win bets by showing off his disfigured foot? I know she didnāt want to be cruel, but she believed there was a point when doctors should stop rescuing people from their own self-destructive impulses. And I couldnāt disagree with her but I could ask for the most basic of comforts, couldnāt I?
āMy father,ā I said. āAn extra blanket, please.ā
āFine,ā she said, then stood and walked back to a linen closet, grabbed a white blanket, and handed it to me. āIf you need anything elseāā
I didnāt wait around for the end of her sentence. With the blanket in hand, I walked back to my father. It was a thin blanket, laundered and sterilized a hundred times. In fact, it was too thin. It wasnāt really a blanket. It was more like a large beach towel. Hell, it wasnāt even good enough for that. It was more like the worldās largest coffee filter. Jesus, had health care finally come to this? Everybody was uninsured and unblanketed.
āDad, Iām back.ā
He looked so small and pale lying in that hospital bed. How had that change happened? For the first sixty-seven years of his life, my father had been a large and dark man. And now, he was just another pale and sick drone in a hallway of pale and sick drones. A hive, I thought, this place looks like a beehive with colony collapse disorder.
āDad, itās me.ā
āIām cold.ā
āI have a blanket.ā
As I draped it over my father and tucked it around his body, I felt the first sting of grief. Iād read the hospital literature about this moment. There would come a time when roles would reverse and the adult child would become the caretaker of the ill parent. The circle of life. Such poetic bullshit.
āI canāt get warm,ā my father said. āIām freezing.ā
āI brought you a blanket, Dad, I put it on you.ā
āGet me another one. Please. Iām so cold. I need another blanket.ā
I knew that ten more of these cheap blankets wouldnāt be enough. My father needed a real blanket, a good blanket.
I walked out of the recovery hallway and made my way through various doorways and other hallways, peering into the rooms, looking at the patients and their families, looking for a particular kind of patient and family.
I walked through the ER, cancer, heart and vascular, neuroscience, orthopedic, womenās health, pediatrics, and surgical services. Nobody stopped me. My expression and posture was that of a man with a sick father and so I belonged.
And then I saw him, another Native man, lean...