Building Positive Relationships with Parents of Young Children

A guide to effective communication

Anita Hughes, Veronica Read, Anita M. Hughes

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9780415679565
• eBook ISBN: 9781136654848
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Classroom Management

Positive relationships between practitioners and parents are essential for young children's wellbeing, but achieving this can be difficult if there is not enough understanding about how relationships work when one person (the practitioner or teacher) has to play the professional role. Strong communication skills are fundamental to this relationship and to building a sense of community between home and nursery or school.

This new book explores how practitioners can build warm, friendly and caring relationships with parents. It clearly explains the dynamics of a conversation, the theory behind how relationships are formed or destroyed and provides practical strategies to put this knowledge into practice.

Grounded in the theories of attachment, transactional analysis and solution focused therapy this book will help you to:

• Increase your level of self awareness
• Improve your listening skills
• Understand 'how' to communicate with different parent 'types'
• Learn how to conduct an individual parent interview
• Develop professional care giving skills

Full of practical examples and strategies, this text will be welcomed by early years practitioners and students who wish to develop the skills and confidence they need to effectively communicate with the parents of the children they care for.

PART I Laying the Foundations of Communication

Working in Partnership with Parents

DOI: 10.4324/9780203806371-1

There has been a lot written about the importance of working in partnership with parents over the last few years. With the advent of the EYFS (Early Years Foundation Stage, DfES 2007b and 2007d), which became mandatory in September 2008 in all schools and providers in Ofsted-registered settings for children from birth to five, partnership with parents is now a part of the legal framework.

As Jennie Lindon (2009, p. 2) puts it: ‘Establishing and maintaining close contact with young children’s families is a professional obligation.’

In this short chapter we shall define what we mean by the term ‘parents’ and consider how parents’ involvement in their children’s early education has changed over the past few decades. Consideration will also be given regarding professional boundaries and expectations as well as the cultural diversity of families in the UK today.

Who Do We Mean When We Use the term ‘Parents'?

It is important at the outset of this book to clarify what we mean when we use the term ‘parents’. Families have changed so much in the last thirty years that young children are not necessarily being brought up and cared for just by their birth parents. In the Guidance to the Standards for the Award of Early Years Professional Status (Children’s Workforce Development Council (CWDC) 2008) the definition of parents includes ‘Mothers, fathers, legal guardians and primary carers of lookedafter children’ (CWDC 2008, p. 78).

Ute Ward (2009, p. 2) writes:

The Guidance continues to point out that there may also be other significant adults in a child’s life such as a grandparent, an aunt or a new partner of the child’s mother. These adults may spend a lot of time with a child, develop loving and supportive relationships with him and are generally seen as being responsible for him. They may also be your main contact with the child’s family and be able to tell you much about the child’s home environment. In legal terms, however, this does not mean they have parental responsibility.

In this book, when we refer to the term ‘parents’ we are including not only parents or legal guardians, but all significant adults in a child’s life. It may be, for example, that you get to know a child’s grandmother far better than his mother because she is the person who mainly brings the child to your setting and fetches him there later in the day.

This book is aimed to help you develop good relationships with all those who care for the children in your setting, which includes significant adults. However, from a legal point of view, only those with legal parental responsibility are allowed to sign consent forms. Those with parental responsibility also need to make a formal agreement with your setting to other adults collecting their child.

How Parental Involvement in Early Years Has Changed Over Sixty Years

This book would have had little relevance a few decades ago. Before the 1960s, childcare workers and nursery teachers had little to do with parents as there was the view that the professionals were the experts in children’s learning and development and parents should not interfere.

In the 1960s there was more communication but it was rather ‘one way’. The professionals used their expertise to inform and educate parents as if they were the only ones who had any knowledge or understanding about children.

In the 1970s childcare workers and teachers became more aware of the value of communicating with parents, but it was limited to the rather narcissistic view of enhancing their own status as professionals with specialised skills and knowledge.

The 1980s was the decade of consumerism, where accountability became the ‘buzz’ word. Parents now became ‘consumers of a service’ so the focus of communication was more about meeting the demands and wishes of parents, which meant they were encouraged to discuss policies and procedures and be part of any consultation about their children’s welfare and learning.

In the 1990s it became recognised that parents were experts of their own children and they should actively participate in discussions and decision making about their children’s experiences in the Early Years settings. Indeed participation was actively requested, especially in pre-school (formally playgroup) and nursery school settings.

In the 2000s the climate changed again. Increasing numbers of mothers working full-time means they have less time and energy to participate actively alongside practitioners. Single parenthood has massively increased from 8% in 1970 to over 25% today (Gerhardt 2010, p. 214) which places extra pressures on those families. Alongside these sociological changes, there have been an increasing number of legal regulations about the roles and responsibilities of professionals, directing and formalising their relationships with parents. This places a requirement on practitioners to have the skills of communication as never before.

What is Happening Today

In the training courses I have delivered over the past thirty years, I have met and heard the stories of numerous Early Years practitioners describing their relationships with parents. As we enter the second decade of the twenty-first century it seems that it is getting more and more difficult to make and sustain good working relationships.

There are higher expectations from government to ‘deliver’ a good service (with the ‘fear inducing’ health and safety restrictions) but there are confusing messages about whether we want our children cared for and nurtured or simply trained and educated. With the emphasis on ‘education’ and ‘target setting’, parents are increasingly ‘handing over’ their children to the professionals for ‘stimulation’ or to give parents ‘me-time’ or time for paid employment, without there being satisfactory acknowledgement of the emotional impact of this ‘triangle’ of relationships on all concerned. This is discussed in greater detail in Chapter 7 where we read the story of Memhet and his mother.

We also seem to be getting more and more hooked on ‘evidence based’ information about children’s learning, through complicated record keeping. The use of photographs and the Learning Stories (Carr 2001) provide visual or narrative approaches which are certainly attractive. These forms of communication are appealing at lots of levels. They ‘tick the boxes’ as it were, because the parents get a ‘second-hand’ glimpse into their child’s life in the setting and the practitioners have fulfilled their obligation of keeping parents informed.

However, parents and practitioners alike can become more excited about the there and then of what children have done rather than the here and now of the children’s feelings. There is not enough conversation about ‘delighting’ in the children just being who they ‘are’. There is also not enough conversation between parents and professionals about ‘delighting’ in each other. We are sacrificing the importance of relationships by focusing on milestone achievements and how we communicate them.

Being Clear About Boundaries and Core Values

The focus of this book is about developing and improving communication skills so we can build better relationships. It is largely about interpersonal relationships and about helping you, the reader, to improve your own self-awareness and confidence. You may find yourself reading and thinking about relationships outside your work. You may find yourself thinking of your other roles in life such as being a partner or spouse, a friend, a sibling, a parent or a grown up child of your own parents. Whilst this will help in your overall personal development and may interest, even fascinate you, it is important to keep in mind, in the context of the purpose of this book, what it means to have a professional relationship.

The Professional Relationship

Whether you are a childminder, manager of a day care nursery, nursery school or pre-school, or a key person for a small group of children in an Early Years setting, you have contracted through a formal agreement (which may or may not directly involve a financial payment) to be responsible for the care and well-being of someone else’s child.

This will mean that both you and the parents will have agreed, before the child even starts, on the policies of your setting that underpin good professional practice. It is extremely important to be clear about the boundaries (such as when a child must be picked up by). You need to know and be clear about what is negotiable with parents and what is not. Parents need to be clear about the expectations of the setting and the core values of that setting, to avoid confusion and misunderstanding in the future. It is usually misunderstanding that is underneath all relationship breakdowns. Chapter 9 on ‘Dealing with difficulty’ will look into this area in more detail.

Cultural Diversity

We recognise that in the UK we live in a multi-cultural society. It brings richness to all our experience, not least in our Early Years settings. However, it can also create barriers and conflict if we are insensitive to the unique perspectives or differing communication styles of other cultures.

The ways people deal with feelings, especially disappointment, anxiety, fear, embarrassment and anger, vary considerably. It can sometimes be difficult to discern, for example, if parents are pleased or not with the work you are doing with their child. We all want to feel that our efforts are being acknowledged, but it is important not to jump to conclusions about parents’ attitudes, simply from their behaviour. For example, if a parent does not look at you directly, it may be that in that parent’s culture sustained eye contact is interpreted as a challenge to authority, whereas we could interpret it as lack of interest.

Be Sensitive in the Way You Communicate

Practitioners need to be sensitive to the different values, experiences and beliefs that may be held by various cultures and ethnic groups.

The best ways to be sensitive are:

• Always express courtesy (as you would a guest in your own home). After all, the parent is bringing her child to ‘your’ working domain.
• Give parents enough time and the opportunity to express themselves in the way that is comfortable for them. For example, in some cultures, people like to exchange lengthy greetings and pleasantries before they speak about the more formal ‘business’. Although you might be feeling rushed it is important to give the parents that time. Not only will you enjoy the relationship more, it will also save you time by avoiding problems in the future.
• Be ‘yourself’ (your professional and dignified self) with parents, expressing yourself with sincerity. Even if the parents do not speak English very well they will nevertheless ‘pick up’ how sincere you are in your attempts to make a relationship with them.
• Do not be afraid of asking parents questions about their culture and traditions. If you are genuinely interested and show that you want to be able to incorporate as much of the family’s cultural style as is possible, for the child’s benefit, then this will enhance the experience for all concerned.
• If you are giving the parent a written message, try to do so in the parent’s native language and use an appropriate reading level. (Some parents’ literacy skills are very weak.)

When Parents are Friends, Neighbours or Employers

It is likely that you may have a relationship outside of work with some parents, especially if you live near the setting in which you work. This can pose difficulties, as the blurring of boundaries between being friendly and being a friend can lead to uncertainties and inappropriate ways of relating.

As Jennie Lindon (2010, p. 13) writes: ‘Your professional role means that you have to step back a little and to be very clear in your own mind over the limits to open communication with friends on some topics.’

Ute Ward (2009, p. 96) expresses it well when she says:

Neighbours relate differently to each other than employee and employer do, the way friends behave varies differently from the way family members interact, and so on. These different relationships, which can exist between the same two people depending on the situation they find themselves in, can lead to a confusion of roles and hence to uncertainty about what constitutes appropriate behaviour.

Some Common Scenarios

• A parent takes on an additional role in your setting. This arouses suspicious feelings from other parents that this person’s child may get preferential treatment. There needs to be clarity about the selection process of volunteers or staff and how their skills might be used as well as a statement about volunteers or staff h...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Figures
• Acknowledgements
• Foreword
• Introduction
• Part I Laying the Foundations of Communication
• Part II Communication Skills in Context
• appendix
• References and further reading
• Index