Professional Sexual Ethics

A Holistic Ministry Approach

Patricia Beattie Jung, Darryl W. Stephens, Patricia Beattie Jung, Darryl W. Stephens

• Publisher: Fortress Press
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9780800699437
• eBook ISBN: 9781451430912
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Theology

Sexual health is an essential part of maintaining professional relationships in ministry. Focusing on implications for the practice of ministry, this book engages all dimensions of theological education and academic disciplines. Each chapter includes an analysis of common ministry situations, discussion questions, practical guidelines, and resources for further study. The volume is ideal for use in courses on professional ethics for ministry, advanced leadership training, and continuing education for clergy.

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Practices of Ministry

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Pastoral Care and Sexual Ethics

Joretta Marshall

A common challenge in training sessions on clergy sexual ethics emerges in this remark: “Are you telling me I can no longer care about my parishioners? These rules make it impossible to show I care.” The beginning assumption of this chapter is this: the purpose of conversations about clergy sexual ethics is to create a holier and healthier community of faith that embodies its care in ways that are trustworthy. Because the church represents something beyond itself, congregations become places where hope is encouraged, comfort is experienced, and commitments to justice are embodied. For these reasons, communities of faith can become participants in healing processes and can also be experienced as damaging to individuals, families, and communities. Clarity about clergy sexual ethics contributes to the relational health and wholeness of a congregation; trespassing against the souls of others by violating norms of spiritual, physical, emotional, or sexual behavior can cause irreparable harm—a kind of damage that ought not to occur in a context where people turn to find solace and wisdom.

Pastoral care intersects with issues of clergy sexual ethics in at least three ways. First, the practice of pastoral care sets in place dynamics that contribute to the potential for healing and for damage. The crossing of emotional, physical, or sexual lines can often begin in the context of pastoral care. The cases that follow in this chapter offer insights into how the dynamics that lead to healing can also lead to potential harm, while also suggesting some strategies for pastoral care that respect healthy sexual ethics. Second, pastoral care requires a willingness to wrestle with the nuances of sexual ethics, relying less on “rules” and more on a thoughtful response to the messy boundaries inevitably involved. Good pastoral care enhances the flourishing of individuals, families, and communities by creating patterns of behavior attentive to dynamics of power and vulnerability. Decision-making about how best to care for others requires that we draw upon the wisdom of many voices, including those who have experienced a betrayal of trust in the context of pastoral care. They teach pastoral leaders the importance of walking with exceptional care when assisting others in moments of discernment about life’s complexities.

Third, pastoral care intersects with sexual ethics once an alleged offense has been named. At that point, congregational care requires holding whole communities in steadfast concern, including offering care to various constituencies: congregational members who may be less sanguine about any allegations against a clergyperson; the one who named the offense and any family members connected to that person; the pastoral caregiver who allegedly crossed boundaries alongside any family members identified with that individual; and the larger community, judicatory, and denomination that surrounds the local congregation. The layers of pastoral care at these moments require integrated and complicated strategies. This chapter will not deal directly with responding to such situations, recognizing that others continue to work on developing appropriate strategies.^[1] However, in what follows, connections emerge between the development of healthy relationships in the context of congregational life or specialized ministry and the aftercare that is needed once a violation has been reported.

Before looking at the intersection of pastoral care and sexual ethics, two caveats need to be named. First, it is important to differentiate between caregivers who find themselves in a precarious place because of situational stressors or other dynamics and the more habitual or chronic offenders who are adept at boundary-crossing over time and with multiple victims. Habitual abusers of power or those whom we might identify as interested only in satisfying their own needs (such as persons who are narcissistic) often use pastoral care as an entrance into their systematic abuse, as they prey on the most vulnerable. This chapter does not address those situations.^[2]

A second caveat is to note that, while much of the language of this chapter refers to clergy, the potential to cross emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual boundaries is present for anyone who is in a position of caregiver in any context. Every caregiver is at risk of causing damage by crossing a boundary. Certainly, lay leaders, spiritual care advisors, “Stephen” ministers, chaplains, or others who are designated care representatives of a congregation or faith community should be included in what follows.

Pastoral Care, Pseudo-Intimacy, and Vulnerability

In the midst of caring for a husband who is incapacitated due to an illness that will eventually take his life, Sondra expresses deep appreciation for the care and attention of her pastor, Rev. Johnston. As the pastor continues to visit with her, he finds himself connected to her spiritual strength and compassion. Because he knows how to invite meaningful conversation, they often find themselves in intimate discussions about fear, loneliness, suffering, and the need for deep and abiding friendships. In an attempt to let Sondra know that she is not alone, Rev. Johnston shares frustrations about his ministry and life, offering opportunities for Sondra to move away from some of the intensity of her experience. Sondra and Rev. Johnston often end their time in prayer, holding hands as they pray, and then offering a hug to one another, as is the norm in their congregation. One day, as they are departing, both of them acknowledge the special connection they feel with one another because of the journey they share.

In many ways, the narrative above represents what we hope for in the ministry of care. Sondra, in the midst of an intense period of suffering and grief, experiences Rev. Johnston as a spiritual companion. Rev. Johnston offers care in ways that are normative for his congregation: sharing one another’s burdens through physical presence, praying together, and symbolically offering a hug in moments that are beyond words. On the surface, there is nothing “bad” about Rev. Johnston’s behavior. In fact, the pastoral care that he offers bears the possibility to embody comfort and healing—and therein lies part of the struggle. While pastoral care has the potential to offer solace at moments of our deepest pain, it also carries with it the potential to leave equally deep injuries and wounded people in its wake. But how does one tell the difference between good pastoral care and the inappropriate crossing of emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual boundaries? Let me suggest four avenues for conversation that can assist caregivers in these moments.

First, how does Rev. Johnston both recognize the vulnerability of Sondra and cautiously walk with her in ways that embody the care of a church and, ultimately, of God? Sondra receives a great deal from Rev. Johnston’s visits, which nurture and sustain her sense of community, reminding her that she is not alone and giving space for her pain. In the midst of an intensely personal, spiritual journey, Sondra receives care from a pastoral leader who makes her feel comforted and cherished as a child of God. A deep spiritual and emotional presence is confirmed by the holding of hands and the offering of a sign of peace (in this instance, a hug). There is no one else that knows as much about her feelings on this journey, and from her perspective, feelings of intimacy are nurtured in response to the genuine care. This sense of intimacy on the part of Sondra is precisely why Rev. Johnston needs to pay deep attention to how he walks this journey.

Second, Rev. Johnston needs to ask himself what intimacy needs of his own are being met in this relationship. Most pastoral leaders enter caring ministries because they know that a pastoral presence can make a difference in someone’s life. Such a desire to care is an asset for those in ministry, but it does represent one of the burdens pastoral leaders carry into moments of intense relatedness. Our need to care about others sometimes makes it difficult for us to recognize when we are moving into risky territory emotionally, spiritually, or physically. While Sondra experiences this moment as “intimate” for reasons that are natural and good, Rev. Johnston is wise to recognize this as a moment of pseudo-intimacy. In other words, he is not sharing at the same level of vulnerability as Sondra, nor is this a mutual intimacy. Good pastoral presence heightens our sensitivities to others and, in return, caregivers feel honored and affirmed. Lest we be drawn in by the potency of the moment, pastoral caregivers need to embody additional humility in these moments. A pastor who knows himself and his weaknesses, recognizes his own intimacy needs, and finds ways to appropriately meet those needs is, ultimately, a gift to parishioners and communities.^[3]

Third, Rev. Johnston and the congregation need to discuss the meaning and power of touch. Many congregations hold hands while praying or hug one another at the offering of the peace of Christ, and this, in and of itself, is not wrong. It is important, however, to talk about the meaning of such encounters in the context of the church. It is a disservice to congregations to let them assume that all people like to be hugged or that everyone appreciates the same kind of physical touch. Nor is it helpful to imagine that a hug is an adequate substitute for the verbal reminder that “God’s love enfolds you at this moment.” Congregations deserve pastoral leaders who can help them find language to communicate, even when some feelings exist beyond words.

Fourth, the congregation should consider who else needs to be part of Sondra’s care. Pastoral caregivers sometimes fall into the illusion that the ministry of care belongs only to them, not recognizing that the ministry of care belongs to the church as a whole. Hence, pastoral caregivers often work in isolation, becoming a greater risk to themselves and to others in the process. Finding ways to share intense situations with a trusted colleague, mentor, judicatory leader, pastoral counselor, or other professional can assist caregivers to reflect on what is happening in their spiritual, emotional, and physical life. In addition, recognizing that the congregation is called to share in the ministry of caregiving broadens an otherwise narrow focus on the pastoral relationship.

Sexual Ethics and Collegiality

Rev. Carolyne asks to speak confidentially with Rev. Manuel about a pastoral care matter. The two colleagues meet for coffee, as is their custom, and as the conversation unfolds, Rev. Carolyne discloses that she and Bill, one of her parishioners, have begun dating. They are both single and see nothing wrong with exploring their relationship at this point since they are not engaging in any “sexual activity.” When Rev. Manuel asks how their relationship began, he discovers that the parishioner came to the pastor to talk about matters of vocational discernment. The relationship developed as they discovered mutual interests and commitments, and their feelings blossomed into romance. Rev. Carolyne asks Rev. Manuel to keep this information confidential out of respect for their collegiality and friendship.

With this conversation, Rev. Manuel and Rev. Carolyne have opened up questions of honesty and accountability with one another, their respective churches and parishioners, and their denominations. This case represents the quagmires that surround us in our everyday pastoral care. Many judicatories and sexual ethics policies for clergy prohibit all romantic relationships between pastor and parishioner outright, naming them inherently abusive. Yet, many clergy continue to enter into and condone such relationships, especially if a pastoral care relationship had not yet been established. Still others draw the line elsewhere. Many consider themselves the exception to the rule in one way or other. Whether this relationship eventually becomes a genuine, mutual, caring, intimate relationship or not, it carries within it the potential for spiritual and emotional harm to a parishioner, a church, a pastoral leader, and the larger community of faith, and therefore, it deserves the utmost care in response.^[4] How might Rev. Manuel, Rev. Carolyne, Bill, and others connected to this community move forward?

First, a relationship between a pastoral leader and a parishioner is, by its very nature, one of unequal power and imbalance. Rev. Carolyne carries more power in this relationship by virtue of her pastoral role and the fact that she is being financially compensated to care for the members of the congregation. In this case, Bill approached Rev. Carolyne with a genuine concern about his vocational life, and as a result, Bill is the more vulnerable party. As they moved from a pastoral to a romantic relationship, they opened up complex...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Table Of Contents
• Contributors
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Ethical Landscape of Ministry
• Sources of Wisdom
• Practices of Ministry
• Pastoral Leadership
• Index of Names
• Index of Biblical References