The Gay Baby Boom
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The Gay Baby Boom

The Psychology of Gay Parenthood

Suzanne Johnson, Elizabeth O'Connor

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eBook - ePub

The Gay Baby Boom

The Psychology of Gay Parenthood

Suzanne Johnson, Elizabeth O'Connor

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About This Book

The gay and lesbian community is experiencing a baby boom. Advances in gay rights coupled with increased availability of alternative reproduction techniques have led to an unprecedented number of openly gay and lesbian parents. Estimates are that between 6 and 14 million children in the United States are being raised by at least one parent who is gay. Yet, very little is known about how gay or lesbian headed families function, or whether they differ in any relevant ways from families headed by straight parents.

Written by two developmental psychologists, The Gay Baby Boom reports the findings of The Gay and Lesbian Family Study, the largest national assessment of gay and lesbian headed families. By asking participants detailed questions about the way they parent, the authors are able to describe for the first time exactly what takes place within gay and lesbian headed families across the county. Traditional research has tended to assume that there is something uniquely different and potentially psychologically damaging about children being raised by gays. The authors draw on their data to show these fears unfounded.

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Information

Publisher
NYU Press
Year
2002
ISBN
9780814743447

[PART ONE]

[1]
Ask the Experts
What Makes a Good Parent?

Developmental psychology studies the processes involved in childrenā€™s development, encompassing many areas, including cognitive development, language acquisition, sensation and perception, social relations, self-concept, moral development, and childhood psychopathology. Developmental psychology also examines family dynamics and their associations with different child outcomes. There are different theoretical approaches within developmental psychology, which have varied assumptions about human nature and diverse areas of focus. We limit our focus to the question ā€œWhat makes a good parent?,ā€ concentrating on the areas of social development and family dynamics.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory concerns itself with the effect of early parent-child relationships on later personality and social relations. There is a large body of research that supports the notion that the quality of childrenā€™s early attachment to their parents is related to their subsequent emotional and social development (Bowlby, 1969, 1973; Main, Kaplan, & Cassidy, 1985). All infants become attached to their caregivers; what differs is the quality of that attachment. Securely attached babies are those whose caregivers have been responsive in a positive, warm fashion. Within infancy, which includes the first two years of life, being responsive has been defined as being sensitive to the infantā€™s needs, being available for interaction, accepting the infantā€™s attempts to interact, and being part of the infantā€™s activities and routines.
Parents who are consistently sensitive, available, accepting, and cooperative throughout their childā€™s first year of life tend to produce a child who has a feeling of security about the parent. This secure attachment means that the child has a sense of confidence that the parent will be there to share exciting things or will be available in times of unhappiness or distress. This confidence is formed through the many months of predictable and consistent interactions the infant has with the person or people who have consistently cared for him. It allows the child to go out and explore the world around him, to try new things, and to take risks, always knowing that, if he finds something new or needs help, his parent will be there.
Babies who are insecurely attached have caregivers who are less in tune with their signals, and respond awkwardly, insensitively, or intrusively (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Belsky, Rovine, & Taylor, 1984). These babies are not as adept at independently exploring their environment because they are less sure that they can count on their parents to provide help if they need it. Insecurely attached infants are less likely to go to their parents for comfort and less likely to be soothed if they do go to them.
According to attachment theory, children and adults form internal working models based on their attachment experiences. These models represent themselves, caregivers, and relationships, and are used to predict and interpret other peopleā€™s behavior (Bretherton, 1990). In other words, people with a history of secure attachment think of themselves as lovable and expect that their relationships with others will be fulfilling. Those with a history of insecure attachments think they are not worthy of love, expect inconsistent or insensitive treatment from others, and do not expect relationships to be fulfilling. A number of research findings have been consistent with this view. In a follow-up study of children at age four who had first been studied as infants, those children who had been securely attached were more socially competent and more popular and had higher self-esteem than were children who had been classified as insecurely attached (Elicker, Englund, & Sroufe, 1992). At age eleven, children who had been securely attached as infants had better peer relationships and were seen by adults as being more socially adept (Shulman, Elicker, & Sroufe, 1994).
To a psychologist who works with attachment issues, a good parent is one who is sensitive, warm, and responsive to his or her child. This type of parental behavior allows the child to grow up with a feeling of security about himself and his place in the world. On the basis of the first relationship the child hasā€”with his parentsā€”he develops an idea that other close relationships in his life will be just as rewarding.

Parenting Styles

Developmental psychologists have examined different types of parenting styles to see which is most effective. When psychologists refer to parenting styles, they are talking about the ways in which parents socialize their children, that is, the ways they teach them right from wrong, encourage mature behavior, and generally handle discipline. A useful way of looking at the different ways that parents handle this issue has been to classify parenting styles along two dimensions: responsiveness and demandingness (Baumrind, 1967, 1971, 1991) Parents are either high or low on these two dimensions, resulting in four groups of parenting styles.
Authoritative parents are high on both responsiveness and demandingness. They are accepting of their childrenā€™s feelings and viewpoints, openly show warmth and affection to them, and encourage their children to express themselves. At the same time, they have high standards for their children and insist that their children try to meet those standards. Their demands are reasonable, given the childā€™s age and ability, and are clearly explained. Numerous studies have shown that children with authoritative parents do very well. They are more socially mature, have higher self-esteem and greater self-control, and achieve more educationally (Baumrind & Black, 1967; Block, 1971; Denham, Renwick, & Holt, 1991; Steinberg, Lamborn, Dornbusch, & Darling, 1992).
Authoritarian parents are high on demandingness and low on responsiveness. Like authoritative parents, they have high expectations for their childrenā€™s behaviors. They differ from the authoritative parents in that they are not receptive to listening to their childrenā€™s point of view. Their approach can be characterized as ā€œDo it because I say so.ā€ They tend to tell the children what the rules are, rather than discussing the rules with them. Disobedience is met with force and punishment. Children raised by authoritarian parents tend to be withdrawn and anxious with their peers; adolescents tend to be less well adjusted than those with authoritative parents (Baumrind, 1967, 1971; Steinberg, Lamborn, Dornbusch & Darling, 1992).
Parents high in responsiveness and low in demandingness are known as permissive parents. These parents are very nurturing and accepting of their children but have few rules or expectations for them. There are very few household rules, and children are not encouraged to assume any responsibilities for themselves. Some of these parents believe that children will develop best if allowed to go at their own pace, with few restrictions on their behavior; others simply lack parenting skills. Children raised by permissive parents tend to be very immature, impulsive, and rebellious when demands are placed on them. Adolescents who are raised permissively show higher rates of drug use and are less involved in school (Baumrind, 1967; Lamborn, Mounts, Steinberg, & Dornbusch, 1991).
Uninvolved parents are those who are low on both responsiveness and demandingness. At the extreme, these parents are actually neglectful, which is a form of child abuse. At a lesser extreme, uninvolved parents show little engagement with or interest in their children and put little or no effort into establishing routines or guidelines for their childrenā€™s behavior. Uninvolved parenting can lead to problems in attachment. Children with uninvolved parents tend to be demanding and noncompliant, have a low threshold for frustrations, and are more likely to engage in delinquent activity (Lamborn et al., 1991; Pulkkinen, 1982).
From the perspective of parenting styles and child outcomes, the best parent is one who is authoritative in his or her approach. This parent is physically affectionate with the child and encourages open communication with the child. The parent sets firm, fair, and reasonable goals for the child. If the goals are not met, the parent responds with a clear, rational use of control. The parent helps the child assume an increasing amount of control and responsibility for his own behavior.

Marital Relationship

The quality of the relationship between parents can have a profound impact upon their childrenā€™s behavior. It is well known that a discordant marriage is a risk factor for emotional and behavioral problems in children (see Buehler, Krishnakumar, Stone, Gerard, & Pemberton, 1997, for a discussion). Several explanations have been advanced for this association. One is that parents in stressful marriages are less patient with and more critical of their children, and there is some evidence to support this notion. For example, in marriages that are marked by tension and hostility, parents are more likely to punish and criticize their children. In contrast, when parents have a warm and positive relationship with each other, they praise their children more often and nag and scold them less often (Cox, Owen, Henderson, & Lewis, 1989; Howes & Markman, 1989).
Another hypothesis is that childrenā€™s perceptions about the parental conflict (whether the conflict is seen as a likely threat to them, to their parents, or to their family) and their tendency to blame themselves are the factors that mediate between parental conflict and childrenā€™s behavior problems. Some evidence also exists to support this theory (Grych, Fincham, Jouriles, & McDonald, 2000). Belsky (1984) proposes that the quality of the marital relationship is more powerful than any other type of social support in either undermining or promoting effective parenting.
What may be even more important than general marital discord, in terms of child behavior, is parental disagreement about child-rearing issues. If parents are in a relatively discordant marriage, with a high level of conflict, yet agree with each other on their child-rearing philosophy and support each other in their parenting activities, the risk that the child will develop problem behavior is greatly reduced. On the other hand, if parents in a well-functioning marriage have strong disagreements about how to handle their children, the child is likely to experience inconsistent parenting, which can itself lead to problems. A strong alliance between parents on child rearing is thought to be necessary for optimal child development. In fact, Block, Block, & Morrison (1981) found that parental disagreement about child rearing is associated with problematic child behavior in school. Fauber, Forehand, Thomas, & Wierson (1990) suggest that it is not marital conflict per se that leads to childrenā€™s maladjustment; rather, it is the disruption of parenting that is caused by marital conflict that leads to childrenā€™s behavioral problems.
In two-parent families, optimal parenting exists when marital conflict is low and marital satisfaction is high. Parents whose relationship is harmonious and mutually supportive are in the best circumstance for effective parenting. The strength of the parental alliance should ideally be high. That is, both parents should feel strongly and positively about their partnerā€™s ability as a parent. They should show a strong commitment to parenting and agree with each other on their goals and how to achieve them.

Division of Labor

In heterosexual couples, women do the bulk of the work involved in maintaining a household and caring for the children (Chan, Brooks, Raboy, & Patterson, 1998; Cowan & Cowan, 1992; Hochschild, 1989). A traditional approach to allocating household and childcare responsibilities, with the woman assuming the lionā€™s share of work in both areas, has not been found to result in the best outcome for parents or children. Studies of heterosexual couples with children have found that children fare better when their fathers are more involved in taking care of them (Radin, 1981). An egalitarian approach to child rearing is related to greater academic achievement for girls (Updegraff, McHale, & Crouter, 1996) and to greater marital satisfaction for both husbands and wives (McHale & Crouter, 1992). Thus, an optimal arrangement for both parents and children appears to be a relatively egalitarian approach to dividing up the family work roles. In families with two parents, having both parents equally involved in the household duties and, particularly, the child rearing responsibilities is the arrangement most likely to lead to good outcomes for all concerned.

Stress and Support

The quality of a parentā€™s caregiving is itself related to a number of factors. Stress, for example, has been shown to adversely affect parenting. However, studies have shown that in families with high levels of stress, good social support, a good marital relationship, and a spouseā€™s active participation in childcare can all lead to reduced stress and greater attachment security (Howes & Markman, 1989; Pianta, Sroufe, & Ege-land, 1989).
Low levels of stress, or the presence of strong social and emotional support in cases where there are high levels of stress, are thus essential for optimal parenting.

Contexts of Development

Developmental psychology has become increasingly aware that families exist within a multilayered social milieu. Bronfenbrenner (1979, 1989) has characterized the childā€™s environment as a series of systems or contexts in which development takes place. The closer the context is to the child, the more influential. Bronfenbrennerā€™s model consists of four general contexts: beginning with the closest, they are microsystem, the mesosystem, the exosystem, and the macrosystem.
The microsystem refers to the childā€™s immediate surroundings and includes the childā€™s genetic makeup and biological predispositions. It also encompasses the people in the childā€™s immediate environment, including not only parents and siblings but also extended family, the neighborhood, and school.
The mesosystem refers to the connections among the different microsystems. So, for example, child development is enhanced by communication between parents and teachers, or parents and daycare workers. The exosystem consists of social entities that do not themselves include children but that nevertheless have an impact on them. Examples of informal exosystems include the parentsā€™ social network and community ties. The parentsā€™ place of employment, which through its policies on family leave or medical insurance can help or hinder a parent, is another example.
Finally, the macrosystem, the broadest level in Bronfenbrennerā€™s theory, incorporates the values, laws, and customs of a culture. A particular culture can establish regulations that either help families (for example, by mandating family leave to enable parents to care for a newborn or newly adopted child) or hinder them, for example, by not providing affordable, high-quality daycare.
This vast social milieu is a dynamic, constantly changing system, with influences running in all directions. In an ideal world, parents would not only provide their children with positive, responsive care but do so within the context of a supportive social network, open communication between parents and the other people in the childā€™s life, and a larger society that values families and their parenting role.

Summary

Not all of the variables associated with good parenting are within the parentā€™s control. Outside stress, lack of support, and societal structures that make life more difficult are facts of life for some families. However, the dynamics within a given family are much more within the control of the parents, and it is those dynamics that are most responsible for good child outcomes. None of the parental attributes or behaviors associated with optimal child outcome is dependent upon the gender or sexuality of the parents. There is no reason to believe that two men canā€™t be responsive and accepting of a childā€™s need or that a lesbian will be unable to be an authoritative parent. Most potential difficulties in this respect lie outside the family. Disapproval or lack of support from family, friends, and members of the community can lead to stress, increased marital difficulties, and, ultimately, problems in parenting. Gay and lesbian families are certainly at risk for encountering a lack of support from others; their families may not be legally or officially recognized, for example. In some states, a child cannot legally have two parents of the same gender. It is this lack of validation that has the potential to be harmful, not the gender or sexuality of the parents themselves.

[2]
The (Nonbiological) Ties That Bind

Gay and lesbian families include at least one, if not two, nonbiological parents. Of course, gay and lesbian families are not the only types of families of which this can be said. Adoptive families and families that have been created via assisted reproductive techniques such as donor insemination are other examples. Stepfamilies also have one parent who is not biologically related to the children. Stepfamilies face more issues than just this lack of a biological tie, however. A stepparent joins an already established family. The child has already gone through the stress of a divorce or parental death and now must go through another adjustment as a new family is created. How parents in these situations cope with not being biologically related to their children, and the effects on the children, has received a significant amount of scholarly attention over the years.

Assisted Reproduction

The worldā€™s first ā€œtest-tubeā€ baby was born in 1978, garnering worldwide attention. Since that time, advances in assisted reproduction have been astounding. While the ā€œtest-tubeā€ baby was conceived via in vitro fertilization (IVF) using her motherā€™s egg and her fatherā€™s sperm, it has become more common for infertile couples to use donor sperm or donor eggs. Current estimates are that somewhere between thirty-thousand and fifty- thousand...

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