NUMBER 1
E.V. Crowe
Performed by Landry Adelard
Directed by Tim Hoare
Director of Photography Crusoe Weston
Editor Ali White
Sound Technician Tom Anderson
Camera Assistant Rory Ronnie
Thanks to Ollie Dahmen
1.
Come in sit down.
Heâs fucking my mum.
Oh my gosh.
Come in sit down.
Who do you want?
Put your pen down. Listen.
Who do you think you want?
(Pause.)
We think about it.
I say the one with the red case.
Good idea, nice ide-a.
He says donât piss about in my class.
Are you pissing about?
Iâm not â FUCKOFF.
2.
Bell and they come out.
Who dâyou come up with?
Iâm keen.
Alistair Darling?
Wha?
Or manager at a bank.
Wha?
Or trader at Canary Wharf.
Cool.
David Beckham.
â
Who we getting then?
Who then?
(âNumber 1â by Tinchy Stryder plays.)
Star-in-the-Hood-Stryder? Oh, come on. Come on.
I was into that track for like a week, thatâs old now.
And why do they think we want Tinchy to come down here give us his pearls of?
Iâm taller than Tinchy.
Fuck Tinchy man.
If heâs so business, whyâs he got time to come to our school. I bet heâs âsextingâ Miss Streatham.
Not that I donât not want to meet him.
I am quite excited about meeting Tinchy Stryder.
Oh my gosh.
Tinchy was my suggestion. I would have suggested that.
Come on. (Hums the track.) That was a good song. Come on.
3.
Come in sit down.
Heâs fucking my mum. Sheâs saying âThis is my boyfriend.â
Come in sit down.
Shut the door.
Iâve had a report.
None of the girls can come in tomorrow until weâve unblocked them.
Theyâre all blocked up.
Itâs health and safety. That they canât come in. Thanks to you.
The Room 7 girls wonât get to meet Tinchy Stryder. Or to learn about Personal Finance on our Personal Finance Day with Tinchy Stryder. And their books are stuck down the girlsâ toilets.
You definitely wonât get to meet Mr Stryder. Tinchy says âmore important than making money is looking after your moneyâ. Do you know about interest rates, Tinchy rates?
I can google it, canât I?
Youâre excluded for tomorrow.
Miss Streatham wants to know why you did it.
Oh my gosh.
Look at Miss Streatham.
Because when you give a girl a job she will get pregnant. Eventually. Itâs true. They do. They do. And then sheâll fuck it up. So I thought, flush their books.
Classroom 7 girls could just be on PlayStation. Or something. All day.
Donât they deserve learning too? Thatâs Miss Streatham asking.
â Whatâs the point? Really.
Miss S looks sad face.
4.
My mum.
She can come in and talk.
About being a successful woman.
Does she have a job?
She had a job yeah. Before.
Okay.
Why your mum?
Sheâs a successful woman. My mum.
In what way is she a successful woman?
I donât understand. She doesnât have a number-one record called âNumber 1â. Sheâs not Tinchy Stryder. Iâm not saying my mum is Tinchy Stryder.
Oh my gosh.
Sheâs just like, I donât know, you said I had to do something to say sorry. To the Classroom 7 girls.
She can talk about being successful.
Okay.
Okay. Cool.
5.
Other mums come in also.
They call it a âbe nice to women dayâ. Or someshit.
A womenâs day. Like for girls. Cool, cool.
Yeh-yeh-yeah.
They talk about being on the till, or being a PA for a big bank, or being a nurse. What that is like.
Whereâs your mum?
(Pause.)
I donât know.
Whereâs your successful mum?
I actually donât know.
I do know.
I donât know actually.
Donât be a girl about this. The school office can give her a call to remind her.
I wonât try calling. No need.
She canât reach the phone.
I know it.
You canât get to the phone from the radiator. No way.
Silence.
She is bike-locked to the radiator until the afternoon.
This is my boyfriend. Heâs moving in.
Iâm Lee. Iâm moving in.
Why is she bike-locked to the radiator?
(Pause.)
Oh my gosh, I donât know. It makes it easier?
Ask him. Lee.
Tell hi...