DOLLY: Come on Charlie! Give us a speech!
LLOYD: Speech!
CHARLIE: I donât like public speaking. Iâd rather jump out of an aeroplane.
LLOYD: Go on then!
CHARLIE: Iâve only ever spoken three times, formally, in public, in my life, and each time Iâve been banged up by the judge straight afterwards! I done me best bringing up Pauline, on me own, after her muvver. . . (Chokes.) . . . sorry. . .
LLOYD : â doinâ well Charlie.
CHARLIE : â Iâve had to be her dad and her mum after her muvver⊠(Chokes.)
PAULINE: â Itâs alright dad.
CHARLIE : â âŠafter her muvver left me and went to live in Spain. Itâs a disappointment that Jean canât be here in Brighton at her daughterâs engagement party, and a shame she canât even afford a stamp for a card neither. But Iâm not gonna go on about it. Iâd like to thank Alanâs father, my solicitor, where is he?!
DANGLE: (Coming forward.) Ecce homo!
CHARLIE: No Latin! Please! I have enough difficulty understanding you when youâre speaking English. But, seriously, wivout Harry, I wouldnât be here today, Iâd be behind bars, where, letâs face it, by rights, I oughta be. Over to you Alan.
CHARLIE steps back. Applause for CHARLIE. ALAN kneels, with a flourish, before PAULINE.
DOLLY: Ooh!
(Aside.) He wants to be an actor.
ALAN: Pauline, I give you my hand. (ALAN holds out an upturned, closed, cupped hand towards PAULINE.) Captive within my hand, is a bird. This bird is my heart.
PAULINE: (To DOLLY.) Is it a real bird?
DOLLY: No. Itâs a metaphor.
PAULINE: (Excited.) Oh! Lovely!
ALAN: I offer you the whole of my life, as your husband.
DOLLY: (Aside.) Ooh! I could do with a bit of this myself. Knowhatimean.
PAULINE opens his hand and takes out the imaginary bird, and presses it to her heart.
PAULINE: I accept your bird heart thing, and I promise to look after it properly (PAULINE kneels, and offers her hand to ALAN.) I got a bird in my hand anâall.
CHARLIE: â Thatâs two birds now, Iâm gonna have to get in a box of Trill!
PAULINE: â This bird is my heart, the only one Iâve ever had.
ALAN mimes taking the bird and presses it through his rib cage into his heart. They kiss passionately. Silence. A bit embarrassing. It is broken by the pop of a champagne cork.
DANGLE: May I propose a toast. To love! In Latin â
CHARLIE: â Oh no!
DANGLE: Ars amandi!
PAULINE: No! Pauline.
ALAN: (To PAULINE.) âArs amandiâ, is the art of love.
PAULINE: I donât understand.
ALAN: (Aside.) This is why I love her. She is pure, innocent, unspoiled by education, like a new bucket.
LLOYD: To love!
ALL: To love!
They toast. The door bell rings.
CHARLIE: Dolly, get the door.
DOLLY: Bookkeeper? Or butler? Make your mind up.
CHARLIE: And if itâs carol singers tell them to piss off. Itâs only April.
DOLLY exits.
LLOYD: Youâre Charlieâs solicitor then?
They shake hands.
DANGLE: Harry Dangle. Dangle, Berry and Bush. My card.
LLOYD: (Reading.) No win, same fee?
DANGLE: Thatâs us.
LLOYD: Charlie tells me youâre brilliant!
DANGLE: Put it this way, I got the Mau Mau off. Are you family Lloyd?
LLOYD: No, no! An old friend. Me and Charlie go way back. (Aside.) Parkhurst.
PAULINE: Dad! Me and Alan, weâre gonna go up to my room, to play some records.
CHARLIE: Do I look like I just came down in the last shower? No! Mingle!
LLOYD takes CHARLIE to one side. Gets out invitation.
LLOYD: Man! Whatâs going on! Last week I gets this invitation to a hengagement party â
CHARLIE: â put that away.
LLOYD: â of Pauline Clench and Roscoe Crabbe, which was a shock because I always thought Roscoe was ginger.
CHARLIE: He was ginger! He was as queer as a whisky and Babycham. That was the whole point, it was a gonna be a marriage of convenience wannit.
LLOYD: But today and itâs a different groom man!
CHARLIE: Because Roscoeâs dead. Pauline and this Alan wanted to get engaged, so I thought â
LLOYD: â Iâve paid for the sausage rolls so why waste them?!
CHARLIE: Exactly!
Enter DOLLY, looking serious.
DOLLY: Some geezer from London. Says heâs Roscoe Crabbeâs minder.
LLOYD...