One Man, Two Guvnors
eBook - ePub

One Man, Two Guvnors

Richard Bean

Share book
96 pages
ePUB (mobile friendly)
Available on iOS & Android
eBook - ePub

One Man, Two Guvnors

Richard Bean

Book details
Book preview
Table of contents

About This Book

Fired from his skiffle band, Francis Henshall becomes minder to Roscoe Crabbe, a small time East End hood, now in Brighton to collect £6, 000 from his fiancee's dad. But Roscoe is really his sister Rachel posing as her own dead brother, who's been killed by her boyfriend Stanley Stubbers. Holed up at The Cricketers' Arms, the permanently ravenous Francis spots the chance of an extra meal ticket and takes a second job with one Stanley Stubbers, who is hiding from the police and waiting to be re-united with Rachel. To prevent discovery, Francis must keep his two guvnors apart. Simple. Based on Carlo Goldoni's classic Italian comedy The Servant of Two Masters, in this new English version by prize winning playwright Richard Bean, sex, food and money are high on the agenda.

Frequently asked questions
How do I cancel my subscription?
Simply head over to the account section in settings and click on “Cancel Subscription” - it’s as simple as that. After you cancel, your membership will stay active for the remainder of the time you’ve paid for. Learn more here.
Can/how do I download books?
At the moment all of our mobile-responsive ePub books are available to download via the app. Most of our PDFs are also available to download and we're working on making the final remaining ones downloadable now. Learn more here.
What is the difference between the pricing plans?
Both plans give you full access to the library and all of Perlego’s features. The only differences are the price and subscription period: With the annual plan you’ll save around 30% compared to 12 months on the monthly plan.
What is Perlego?
We are an online textbook subscription service, where you can get access to an entire online library for less than the price of a single book per month. With over 1 million books across 1000+ topics, we’ve got you covered! Learn more here.
Do you support text-to-speech?
Look out for the read-aloud symbol on your next book to see if you can listen to it. The read-aloud tool reads text aloud for you, highlighting the text as it is being read. You can pause it, speed it up and slow it down. Learn more here.
Is One Man, Two Guvnors an online PDF/ePUB?
Yes, you can access One Man, Two Guvnors by Richard Bean in PDF and/or ePUB format, as well as other popular books in Media & Performing Arts & Theatre. We have over one million books available in our catalogue for you to explore.


Oberon Books

Act 1


As the audience take their seats the skiffle band plays. Lights down. 1963, April, mid-morning. A room in CHARLIE’s house in Brighton. A framed photo of Queen Elizabeth II at coronation upstage. CHARLIE, HARRY DANGLE, ALAN DANGLE, PAULINE, LLOYD, DOLLY and other friends and family. Hardly anything remains from a buffet of typically English party food. Maybe one lone cheese and pineapple on a stick, and some peanuts. A party can of beer. All very lively and jolly, with the skiffle band playing, laughter, drinks, dancing. The song finishes. PAULINE and ALAN kiss. They toast ‘Pauline & Alan’ CHARLIE taps a glass for quiet.
DOLLY: Come on Charlie! Give us a speech!
LLOYD: Speech!
CHARLIE: I don’t like public speaking. I’d rather jump out of an aeroplane.
LLOYD: Go on then!
CHARLIE: I’ve only ever spoken three times, formally, in public, in my life, and each time I’ve been banged up by the judge straight afterwards! I done me best bringing up Pauline, on me own, after her muvver. . . (Chokes.) . . . sorry. . .
LLOYD : – doin’ well Charlie.
CHARLIE : – I’ve had to be her dad and her mum after her muvver… (Chokes.)
PAULINE: – It’s alright dad.
CHARLIE : – …after her muvver left me and went to live in Spain. It’s a disappointment that Jean can’t be here in Brighton at her daughter’s engagement party, and a shame she can’t even afford a stamp for a card neither. But I’m not gonna go on about it. I’d like to thank Alan’s father, my solicitor, where is he?!
DANGLE: (Coming forward.) Ecce homo!
CHARLIE: No Latin! Please! I have enough difficulty understanding you when you’re speaking English. But, seriously, wivout Harry, I wouldn’t be here today, I’d be behind bars, where, let’s face it, by rights, I oughta be. Over to you Alan.
CHARLIE steps back. Applause for CHARLIE. ALAN kneels, with a flourish, before PAULINE.
(Aside.) He wants to be an actor.
ALAN: Pauline, I give you my hand. (ALAN holds out an upturned, closed, cupped hand towards PAULINE.) Captive within my hand, is a bird. This bird is my heart.
PAULINE: (To DOLLY.) Is it a real bird?
DOLLY: No. It’s a metaphor.
PAULINE: (Excited.) Oh! Lovely!
ALAN: I offer you the whole of my life, as your husband.
DOLLY: (Aside.) Ooh! I could do with a bit of this myself. Knowhatimean.
PAULINE opens his hand and takes out the imaginary bird, and presses it to her heart.
PAULINE: I accept your bird heart thing, and I promise to look after it properly (PAULINE kneels, and offers her hand to ALAN.) I got a bird in my hand an’all.
CHARLIE: – That’s two birds now, I’m gonna have to get in a box of Trill!
PAULINE: – This bird is my heart, the only one I’ve ever had.
ALAN mimes taking the bird and presses it through his rib cage into his heart. They kiss passionately. Silence. A bit embarrassing. It is broken by the pop of a champagne cork.
DANGLE: May I propose a toast. To love! In Latin –
CHARLIE: – Oh no!
DANGLE: Ars amandi!
PAULINE: No! Pauline.
ALAN: (To PAULINE.) ‘Ars amandi’, is the art of love.
PAULINE: I don’t understand.
ALAN: (Aside.) This is why I love her. She is pure, innocent, unspoiled by education, like a new bucket.
LLOYD: To love!
ALL: To love!
They toast. The door bell rings.
CHARLIE: Dolly, get the door.
DOLLY: Bookkeeper? Or butler? Make your mind up.
CHARLIE: And if it’s carol singers tell them to piss off. It’s only April.
DOLLY exits.
LLOYD: You’re Charlie’s solicitor then?
They shake hands.
DANGLE: Harry Dangle. Dangle, Berry and Bush. My card.
LLOYD: (Reading.) No win, same fee?
DANGLE: That’s us.
LLOYD: Charlie tells me you’re brilliant!
DANGLE: Put it this way, I got the Mau Mau off. Are you family Lloyd?
LLOYD: No, no! An old friend. Me and Charlie go way back. (Aside.) Parkhurst.
PAULINE: Dad! Me and Alan, we’re gonna go up to my room, to play some records.
CHARLIE: Do I look like I just came down in the last shower? No! Mingle!
LLOYD takes CHARLIE to one side. Gets out invitation.
LLOYD: Man! What’s going on! Last week I gets this invitation to a hengagement party –
CHARLIE: – put that away.
LLOYD: – of Pauline Clench and Roscoe Crabbe, which was a shock because I always thought Roscoe was ginger.
CHARLIE: He was ginger! He was as queer as a whisky and Babycham. That was the whole point, it was a gonna be a marriage of convenience wannit.
LLOYD: But today and it’s a different groom man!
CHARLIE: Because Roscoe’s dead. Pauline and this Alan wanted to get engaged, so I thought –
LLOYD: – I’ve paid for the sausage rolls so why waste them?!
CHARLIE: Exactly!
Enter DOLLY, looking serious.
DOLLY: Some geezer from London. Says he’s Roscoe Crabbe’s minder.

Table of contents

Citation styles for One Man, Two Guvnors
APA 6 Citation
Bean, R. (2012). One Man, Two Guvnors (1st ed.). Bloomsbury Publishing. Retrieved from (Original work published 2012)
Chicago Citation
Bean, Richard. (2012) 2012. One Man, Two Guvnors. 1st ed. Bloomsbury Publishing.
Harvard Citation
Bean, R. (2012) One Man, Two Guvnors. 1st edn. Bloomsbury Publishing. Available at: (Accessed: 15 October 2022).
MLA 7 Citation
Bean, Richard. One Man, Two Guvnors. 1st ed. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2012. Web. 15 Oct. 2022.