One Man, Two Guvnors

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9781849431842
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Theatre
• Edition: 1

Fired from his skiffle band, Francis Henshall becomes minder to Roscoe Crabbe, a small time East End hood, now in Brighton to collect £6, 000 from his fiancee's dad. But Roscoe is really his sister Rachel posing as her own dead brother, who's been killed by her boyfriend Stanley Stubbers. Holed up at The Cricketers' Arms, the permanently ravenous Francis spots the chance of an extra meal ticket and takes a second job with one Stanley Stubbers, who is hiding from the police and waiting to be re-united with Rachel. To prevent discovery, Francis must keep his two guvnors apart. Simple. Based on Carlo Goldoni's classic Italian comedy The Servant of Two Masters, in this new English version by prize winning playwright Richard Bean, sex, food and money are high on the agenda.

Act 1

SCENE 1

As the audience take their seats the skiffle band plays. Lights down. 1963, April, mid-morning. A room in CHARLIE’s house in Brighton. A framed photo of Queen Elizabeth II at coronation upstage. CHARLIE, HARRY DANGLE, ALAN DANGLE, PAULINE, LLOYD, DOLLY and other friends and family. Hardly anything remains from a buffet of typically English party food. Maybe one lone cheese and pineapple on a stick, and some peanuts. A party can of beer. All very lively and jolly, with the skiffle band playing, laughter, drinks, dancing. The song finishes. PAULINE and ALAN kiss. They toast ‘Pauline & Alan’ CHARLIE taps a glass for quiet.

DOLLY: Come on Charlie! Give us a speech!

LLOYD: Speech!

CHARLIE: I don’t like public speaking. I’d rather jump out of an aeroplane.

LLOYD: Go on then!

CHARLIE: I’ve only ever spoken three times, formally, in public, in my life, and each time I’ve been banged up by the judge straight afterwards! I done me best bringing up Pauline, on me own, after her muvver. . . (Chokes.) . . . sorry. . .

LLOYD : – doin’ well Charlie.

CHARLIE : – I’ve had to be her dad and her mum after her muvver… (Chokes.)

PAULINE: – It’s alright dad.

CHARLIE : – …after her muvver left me and went to live in Spain. It’s a disappointment that Jean can’t be here in Brighton at her daughter’s engagement party, and a shame she can’t even afford a stamp for a card neither. But I’m not gonna go on about it. I’d like to thank Alan’s father, my solicitor, where is he?!

DANGLE: (Coming forward.) Ecce homo!

CHARLIE: No Latin! Please! I have enough difficulty understanding you when you’re speaking English. But, seriously, wivout Harry, I wouldn’t be here today, I’d be behind bars, where, let’s face it, by rights, I oughta be. Over to you Alan.

CHARLIE steps back. Applause for CHARLIE. ALAN kneels, with a flourish, before PAULINE.

DOLLY: Ooh!

(Aside.) He wants to be an actor.

ALAN: Pauline, I give you my hand. (ALAN holds out an upturned, closed, cupped hand towards PAULINE.) Captive within my hand, is a bird. This bird is my heart.

PAULINE: (To DOLLY.) Is it a real bird?

DOLLY: No. It’s a metaphor.

PAULINE: (Excited.) Oh! Lovely!

ALAN: I offer you the whole of my life, as your husband.

DOLLY: (Aside.) Ooh! I could do with a bit of this myself. Knowhatimean.

PAULINE opens his hand and takes out the imaginary bird, and presses it to her heart.

PAULINE: I accept your bird heart thing, and I promise to look after it properly (PAULINE kneels, and offers her hand to ALAN.) I got a bird in my hand an’all.

CHARLIE: – That’s two birds now, I’m gonna have to get in a box of Trill!

PAULINE: – This bird is my heart, the only one I’ve ever had.

ALAN mimes taking the bird and presses it through his rib cage into his heart. They kiss passionately. Silence. A bit embarrassing. It is broken by the pop of a champagne cork.

DANGLE: May I propose a toast. To love! In Latin –

CHARLIE: – Oh no!

DANGLE: Ars amandi!

PAULINE: No! Pauline.

ALAN: (To PAULINE.) ‘Ars amandi’, is the art of love.

PAULINE: I don’t understand.

ALAN: (Aside.) This is why I love her. She is pure, innocent, unspoiled by education, like a new bucket.

LLOYD: To love!

ALL: To love!

They toast. The door bell rings.

CHARLIE: Dolly, get the door.

DOLLY: Bookkeeper? Or butler? Make your mind up.

CHARLIE: And if it’s carol singers tell them to piss off. It’s only April.

DOLLY exits.

LLOYD: You’re Charlie’s solicitor then?

They shake hands.

DANGLE: Harry Dangle. Dangle, Berry and Bush. My card.

LLOYD: (Reading.) No win, same fee?

DANGLE: That’s us.

LLOYD: Charlie tells me you’re brilliant!

DANGLE: Put it this way, I got the Mau Mau off. Are you family Lloyd?

LLOYD: No, no! An old friend. Me and Charlie go way back. (Aside.) Parkhurst.

PAULINE: Dad! Me and Alan, we’re gonna go up to my room, to play some records.

CHARLIE: Do I look like I just came down in the last shower? No! Mingle!

LLOYD takes CHARLIE to one side. Gets out invitation.

LLOYD: Man! What’s going on! Last week I gets this invitation to a hengagement party –

CHARLIE: – put that away.

LLOYD: – of Pauline Clench and Roscoe Crabbe, which was a shock because I always thought Roscoe was ginger.

CHARLIE: He was ginger! He was as queer as a whisky and Babycham. That was the whole point, it was a gonna be a marriage of convenience wannit.

LLOYD: But today and it’s a different groom man!

CHARLIE: Because Roscoe’s dead. Pauline and this Alan wanted to get engaged, so I thought –

LLOYD: – I’ve paid for the sausage rolls so why waste them?!

CHARLIE: Exactly!

Enter DOLLY, looking serious.

DOLLY: Some geezer from London. Says he’s Roscoe Crabbe’s minder.

LLOYD...