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On the Exhale
MartĂn Zimmerman
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eBook - ePub
On the Exhale
MartĂn Zimmerman
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Ă propos de ce livre
'Like a child, a weapon won't be satisfied until it dominates your every thought.' After a devastating school shooting, a woman develops an obsession with assault rifles that begins to take over every aspect of her existence. MartĂn Zimmerman's 'startlingly original' (New York Times) play is a compulsive and visceral examination of American gun violence.
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You always imagined it happening to you.
Some young student
always male
in your cramped basement office
twitching with anger
fear
about not getting into med school
law school
or the like
about mountains of debt swallowing his stillborn future
and all because of you.
Because you dared make him look outside himself
see past his narrow experience
to the inherent difficulties that come with not being male
because no
you wouldnât consider changing his grade
but most of all
because you dared challenge himâŠ
Entitlement mixes with adrenaline
with fear
with testosterone
you smell the incendiary cocktail
wafting off him
while his leg twitches wildlyâŠ
Until he lifts the edge of his shirt
a simple, subtle gesture
graceful even
he flips up the bottom corner of his tasteful green button-down
and there it is.
Obediently waiting in its holster.
Eyeing you with its obsidian stare.
You slowly raise your hands
Why?
Instinct, probably?
Youâve seen it a hundred times in movies
this is the way you survive when someone pulls a gun, right?
you slowly lift your empty arms
the international symbol of plaintive innocence
never mind that this young man isnât a cop
and even if he were
raising your hands
is far from a guarantee of survival
Still
your hands ascend
weightless
while words
tumble out
heavy
and insubstantial
at once
theyâre all that stand between you
and this man
his gun
its obsidian stare
maybe youâre right
maybe thereâs something to your point of view
maybe we can take another look at your final gradeâ
Thatâs when you feel it.
Warmth.
Takes a moment to register itâs your own.
That youâre in shock.
That you never heard the shot.
Never saw the muzzle flash a few inches from your face.
The warmth continues spreading down your face
trickles into your mouth
and when that first taste of iron hits your tongue
â pure rust invading your mouth â
all your sensation floods back.
Burning
stabbing
throbbing
as he blasts
and blasts
away
as life
slowly slips
from
your
graspâŠ
And then you wake up.
(Breath.)
The first time you have this dream
is the time you ask a student
a male student
to kindly consider the premise that there just might be some small disadvantage to being a woman
â itâs a womenâs studies course after all â
and to try to incorporate such a perspective into his paper revision.
What you get back is no revision at all
but the original paper covered in post-it notes
full of borderline violent screeds about your âinsidious propagandaâ
the collegeâs âinhumane curriculum requirementsâ
and your âappalling vendettaââ three underlines â against men.
This is the first time you entertain the possibility that it might not be someone else on the news next time.
That next time it just might be you.
This is when you start locking your office door
even during office hours
especially during office hours
and post a cute hand-written sign urging students to âplease do knock!â
you do it under the excuse of needing to concentrate on your research
but what distraction could there possibly be at the end of a lonely basement hall?
and every time you open the door
you hope your students wonât notice how you pause just a bit
to see if you can catch a glimpse of anything through the cracked door
see anything shining
before you open wide
with a smile
invite them in
blame your slowness on your age
and the heavy door
oh this heavy door, you say with a chuckle
After a few semesters the young man in question
â in your head you call him The Catalyst â
he graduates
magna cum of course
and your panic starts to subside
the dreams recur less frequently
but recur nonetheless
so you still
you remain vigilant.
Each new class you identify a most likely candidate
just a minor mental checkmark
and maybe you...