For my Granny Grimble,
who would find the fact sheâs featured
in a published play absolutely hilarious.
Love you tons x
A Note on the Text
Indented lines indicate video footage.
For example:
LITTLE BRUMMY CHILD. Welcome to the show.
A line such as this is taken from a video being played on the telly.
This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals so may differ slightly from the play as performed.
The space: your living room. A show is about to happen. We see a dusty old telly. Family photos in frames. A fancy-dress box. A big tall thing covered by a dust sheet. Memorabilia scattered around â a home-made Academy Award, a Mary Poppins chimney-sweep brush. Everything is slightly oversized.
As the audience filter in â
â The dusty old telly shows a video of a young child setting up for a parade â costumes being pre-set, wigs being removed from hairnets, a bubble gun being loaded up with Fairy Liquid. A spectacular production is about to happen. The child addresses the cameraman at one point: âYes, Father. I would much appreciate it if you would please put your costume on now.â
The dadâs going to get involved? This is sure to be sensational.
As lights down â
â We see the same child appear on the telly screen. A strong Brummy accent.
LITTLE BRUMMY CHILD. Welcome to the show. Everybody will like this show today and itâs a video as well. We hope you like it â um â because it is a bit scary if youâre with children but donât matter. Look after them well. Thank you.
We see Madge rehearsing for a living-room spectacular. They address us:
MADGE. Hiya. Youâll have to forgive me, youâve caught me in the middle of tech. Iâm putting on a show in my living room. Itâs all about my childhood. I know what youâre thinking. Yes, it sounds really self-indulgent⊠Correct.
Song: Anything is Possible (When the Stage is Your Living Room)
CURTAIN UP! THE STAGE IS SET FOR ME
I HAVE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TO SEE
ITâS REALLY GREAT
IT ISNâT STRAIGHT
COS IT IS ALL ABOUT â WELL â KINDA ME
IâM SO CHUFFED TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL
EVEN THOUGH THE STAGE IS SORT OF SMALL
WEâLL MAKE IT WORK
IâM HUMBLE AFTER ALL
I DONâT CALL MYSELF A SINGER
Ask my mum
WOW, I PUT HER THROUGH THE RINGER
And then some
BUT NOW ITâS TIME TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT
As I said, not straight
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM
USE YOUR IMAGINATION
THEREâS MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE
(A flourish.) Tinker Bell!
YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
IF YOU JUST BELIEVE
Few months ago, my dad got a VHS player. (Unveils VHS player, with a flair.) You remember these, theyâre the things you used to put cassettes in. Cassettes. No, not Cosette, sheâs a soprano. âWhy did your dad do this absolutely reckless thing?â, you ask. Well, you see, the Madges were feeling very nostalgic and so we rooted through the cupboards, found some dusty cassettes and thought weâd put them to good use.
BACK IN JUNE, WE FOUND A
VIDEO ON A TAPE, VINTAGE, YES, I KNOW
ITâS SORT OF SAD
BUT ME AND DAD
WE PUT ON QUITE THE SHOW!
I say âweâ, it was all my idea.
WE HAD PROPS AND COSTUMES, WIGS GALORE
NOW IâM HERE, THE BUDGETâS SHIT BUT SURE
LIKE OLIVER, IâLL LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE
SO JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS
Love! Hope!
AND YOUâRE FLYING WITHOUT WINGS
Can you cope?
FOLLOW THE STAR, SOAR AND YOU WILL SEE
THE MAGIC BURSTING OUT OF ME
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM
USE YOUR IMAGINATION
THEREâS MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE
(Another flourish.) Rub the lamp!
YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THIS, YOU WONâT BELIEVE
In 2009 I was that gay that put on a Disney parade in my hall for my grandma. I had such high hopes but unfortunately it went hideously wrong.
Madge inserts a rhinestoned VHS tape into the player.
Itâs a video of them as a child, the same Little Brummy Child seen earlier. They are putting on a Disney parade in their hall for their grandma, affectionately known as Granny Grimble, who is overjoyed at the sight of her grandson â sorry â a real-life Disney character at the top of the banisters.
GRANNY GRIMBLE. Mary Poppins!
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (dressed as Mary Poppins). Press play please.
DAD (dressed as Bert). Mary Poppins!
BUT ME AND DAD WE PUT ON QUITE THE SHOW! I say âweâ, it was all my idea. WE HAD PROPS AND COSTUMES, WIGS GALORE NOW IâM HERE, THE BUDGETâS SHIT BUT SURE LIKE OLIVER, IâLL LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE SO JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS Love! Hope! AND YOUâRE FLYING WITHOUT WINGS Can you cope? FOLLOW THE STAR, SOAR AND YOU WILL SEE THE MAGIC BURSTING OUT OF ME
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM USE YOUR IMAGINATION THEREâS MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE (Another flourish.) Rub the lamp! YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THIS, YOU WONâT BELIEVE
In 2009 I was that gay that put on a Disney parade in my hall for my grandma. I had such high hopes but unfortunately it went hideously wrong.
Madge inserts a rhinestoned VHS tape into the player.
Itâs a video of them as a child, the same Little Brummy Child seen earlier. They are putting on a Disney parade in their hall for their grandma, affectionately known as Granny Grimble, who is overjoyed at the sight of her grandson â sorry â a real-life Disney character at the top of the banisters.
GRANNY GRIMBLE. Mary Poppins!
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (dressed as Mary Poppins). Press play please.
DAD (dressed as Bert). Mary Poppins!
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. Your cue was âOh Bertâ.
12-year-old Madge, or âMary Poppinsâ, furiously shakes their umbrella. The music should have started by now. âMaryâ attempts to be professional. Smiles through gritted teeth. Joe Public wonât clock the show stop. Eventually, the music begins. âMary Poppinsâ slides down the banister and bursts into song. A grand entrance if there ever was one.
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. ANY DREAM IS POSSIBLE!
12-year-old Madge appears as Mickey Mouse. Their father pushes their float. Or suitcase. Whatever your imagination will stretch to.
GRANNY GRIMBLE. Oh, itâs Mickey again!
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE/MICKEY MOUSE. Hiya, folks!
The suitcase has got dodgy wheels. âMickeyâ begins to slide off the already fragile suitcase float. Granny Grimble desperately tries to help.
GRANNY GRIMBLE. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops.
The music is coming to an end.
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. Thatâs one song gone. We should be at the end nowâŠ
Dad is dressed as Goofy, attempting to entertain the crowd whilst 12-year-old Madge is embroiled in yet another costume change in the kitchen. Heâs not doing a very good job. 12-year-old Madge is ready. Dadâs not paying attention.
(Calling from the kitchen.) Dad! Dad! Dad!
Eventually, Dad hears and comes to assist. The next character appears. 12-year-old Madge is now Ariel, heralded by Dad who holds a cuddly toy fish and furiously blows bubbles from a bubble gun. Clearly, father and son have just had an argument in the kitchen. More cues must have been missed. âArielâ makes her entrance on a scooter. The fluidity gives the impression of swimming. Genius, if you ask me. Granny Grimbleâs impressed too.
GRANNY GRIMBLE. Ooooh!
12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (to Dad). Start again.
Dad begrudgingly heads to the office to restart the music on the computer. âArielâ strikes a pose. Wishes Dad would get on with it. Itâs getting awkward. Granny Grimble attempts to cover the pregnant pauses with her enth...