It was a rainy, gloomy day when I left home for my first meeting with Tony.
Frankly, I was somewhat cynical about whether meeting with Tony would change anything at work. At best, time with Tony would probably make me feel better about how things were going. I guess I really doubted he could do much to change how I managed. After all, I had worked for years for one of the best companies in the world and had been to numerous management-development sessions. To no oneâs surprise, however, the impact of these highly touted training sessions rarely lasted more than a short time.
I had to keep reminding myself that if things were great, I never would have called Tony in the first place. The truth was this: I was at a crossroads in my career. Deep down I knew something was going to have to change, one way or another. âGet with it,â I chided myself. âExecutives all over the country ask for Tonyâs counsel. You should consider yourself fortunate he has time for you.â
We had agreed to meet at eight-thirty. Because of the rain, I drove into Tonyâs driveway at eight-forty. Tony was waiting for me at the door, looking as if he had just stepped out of Gentlemenâs Quarterly.
âHello, Jeff, and welcome!â he said, extending his hand and pulling me toward him for a fatherly hug. âI am honored that you would take your time to come and see me.â
Tony asked me to come in and gave me a quick tour. His home was incredible. It was large, with a warm ambiance. His wife had passed away a little over a year earlier, and he was proud to show me several pictures of them taken at locations all over the world. After the tour, he took me to his library, where he said we would be meeting each week.
There must have been more than a thousand books on his library shelves. I noticed several pictures of Tony standing with well-known business leaders whom I immediately recognized. Some of the pictures had been taken in the library where I was sitting. I must admit, I was a little intimidated.
After several minutes of catching up, he said it was time to get down to business.
âYour time is valuable, Jeff,â he began, âso I think we need to set some ground rules if weâre going to make the best use of our meetings. âWith that in mind, I took the liberty of drawing these up while I was thinking about our sessions. See what you think.â
He pushed a handwritten note across the table that listed three simple rules:
Ground Rules for Monday Morning Meetings
Start and finish on time.
Tell the truth.
Try something different.
Simple enough, I thought. I can live with those rules. Then I looked at Tony. âI can handle these. Letâs get going.â
âOkay then,â Tony said. âTell me what brings you here after all this time.â
For the next hour, I did the talking, and Tony listened without saying much.
I began with my college graduation, the last time we had spoken to each other. I had been so excited about the future. Like most grads, I felt nothing could keep me from being successful. I was educated, energetic, and full of optimism.
For the first few years of my career, success came easily and promotions were rapid. I worked in sales for one of the most respected technology-manufacturing companies in the world. Then I was promoted into managementâmy first big breakâand I loved it. Business was good. I went on great trips. I was involved in making some big decisions, and I learned a lot, early on.
My team was not top performing, but our results were acceptable, and more than respectable.
Some of the people on my team didnât have the drive I had, but business was so good, I didnât worry about them. Actually, I probably ignored performance issues that contributed to the problems I had now.
Oh, and I tried really hard to be âone of the guys.â I wanted my team to like me and to want to work for me, so I frequently took them out for dinner and drinksâand even shared some of the issues I was facing. At the time, it seemed like a good strategy. About that same time, I rated the job upper management was doing as far from acceptable. In fact, I even told my team that if we did our jobs like upper management did theirs, our company would go under. We all laughed about that.
Those were the good times. But over the next several years, business got tougher. Most of my team was still intact, but some of the performance issues I had once ignored were now affecting my divisionâs performance in a big wayâand by âbig,â I mean they were becoming threats to my job.
I was working hardâlong hoursâbut business indicators told me things were pretty bad. I wasnât very happy, and the people on my team werenât happy. Our results reflected our frustrations, and the unhappiness transferred over to my home life, as well.
âI looked you up, Tony, so I could learn from you,â I said dejectedly. âIâm at my witsâ end, and I just hope itâs not too late for me to turn this ship around.â
After listening for almost an hour, Tony finally started talking. âFirst,â he said, âI know you think these problems and the situation you described exist only on your team. You could not be more wrong. There are fewâvery few, if anyâleaders who have not faced the same issues youâve just shared. I know I have.
âWhen it comes to leading people, there is no problem that is unique to you. Ask anyone with experience, and youâll discover theyâve faced the same issues, the same frustrations. So donât feel sorry for yourself. Thatâs a waste of valuable time. Just make plans to make things better.
âSecond, itâs not too late to change,â Tony continued. âYouâre still young, even though you have a wealth of experience. I admire you for calling me and seeking advice. Few people have the courage to take even that first step.
âMany people facing the challenges you are facing give up too soonâŠjust before they turn the corner to success. Successful people keep moving, even when they are discouraged and have made mistakes.
âJeff, you are in a position almost everyone faces. Every way you turn, it seems you run into a wall.â
I nodded. âExactlyâŠand it seems the walls I am running into are getting closer and closer together. I canât seem to get around them.â
Tony leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands. âJeff, you are at a place I call âsplat.ââ
âSplat?â I asked. âI have never heard of splat. That must be a consultant acronym describing where I am.â
Tony was quick to respond. âNo, it is not an acronym or consultant talk. It is a place where most of us visit sometime in our career. Let me explain.
âI once heard a fable about a man who meets a guru on the road. The man asks the guru, âWhich way is success?â The bearded sage doesnât speak, but points to a place in the distance. The man, thrilled by the prospect of quick and easy success, rushes off. Suddenly, there comes a loud âsplat.â Eventually, the manânow tattered and stunnedâlimps back, assuming he must have taken a wrong turn.
âSo he returns to the guru and repeats his question, âWhich way is success?â The guru again points silently in the same direction. The man obediently walks off, and this time the splat sound is deafening. When the man crawls back, he is bloody, broken, and irate. âI asked you which way to success,â he screams at the guru. âI followed your direction, and all I got was splatted! No more of this pointing! Talk!â
âOnly then does the guru speak, and this is what he says: âSuccess is that way. Just a little past splat.â
âRight now you are at splatâtattered, torn, and maybe even broken and irate. But if you are strong enough and dedicated enough to make the effort, we can work together to get you past splat.â
âSounds good to me,â I said. âI have been at splat for quite some time, and I am tired of being splatted.â
âObviously, youâre facing some real challenges. Seeking an outsiderâs advice is a good move. We all need people who will help us look at situations from a different perspective,â Tony said, his tone riveting my attention. âIn fact, I have several people who are my mentorsâpeople who have helped me gain new insightsâand who have remained my mentors after all these years. In a nutshell, itâs not too late to change, but you will have to work to make improvements.
âOne more thing to remember: Youâre not alone here. Most people have difficulty making the transition from employee to manager and from manager to leader. Your dad once told me something that I will never forget. He said if you want to be extraordinary, the first thing you have to do is stop being ordinary. Wanting to be liked and to be âjust one of the guysâ is natural. Of course, everyone likes to be liked. But as a leader, your team should like, or respect, you for the right reasons.
âIf your team likes you because youâre fair, consistent, empathetic, and a positive personâthatâs great. But if they like you just because you lavish them with free dinners and drinks, what have you gained? In fact, youâre setting yourself up for failure. Why? Because if your goal is to get everyone to like you, youâll find yourself sidestepping tough decisions because you wonât want to upset your âfriends.â
âTransitioning from employee to manager or manager to leader requires that you make different decisions, often difficult decisions, and believe me, those transitions can sometimes create challenges in every other area of your life as well.
âI remember when you were a teenager, Jeff. You were so excited when you celebrated your sixteenth birthday and got your driverâs license. Remember? You had watched your mom and dad drive for years, and as soon as you were old enough, you went through the driverâs education course.
âNow, remember how confident you were? You knew you would be the best driver ever. You even promised your dad with those very words,â Tony said with a wink.
âOf course I do,â I replied. âI remember even more vividly the second day after getting my licenseâŠthatâs when I had my first accident. Thankfully, no one was hurt.â
âI remember that, too.â Tony nodded. âMost of your soccer team was in the car with you. But, what you donât know is a few days later, your dad and I discussed the main reason for the accidentâand that was your failure to understand the difference in responsibilities between being the driver and being a passenger.
âYou see, passengers are free to do a lot of things the driver canât do. As a driver, your focus needs to be on the road and not on the distractions. As a driver, you no longer have the right to âmess aroundââlike listening to loud musicâeven though it seems okay to do that as a passenger.
âThe same principle applies when you become a leader. Youâre no longer a passenger. Now, youâre the driver. Yet even though your responsibilities increase when you become a manager, you lose some of the rights or freedoms you may have enjoyed when you were a passenger.
âFor instance,â Tony continued, âif you want to be successful as a leader, you donât have the right to join employee âpity partiesâ and talk about upper management. When youâre a manager, you lose the right to blame others for a problem in your department. You also no longer have the right to be negative or cynical; you can no longer avoid issues or choose to not make a decision. As manager and leader, the buck stops with you. You are the person responsible for everything that happens in your department, and thatâs a giant step that is often painful as you make the transition.â
But he wasnât through. âYou even lose the right to some of your time because youâre responsible for other peopleâs time as well as your own,â he said, stopping to check his watch. âSpeaking of time, what time did you arrive today?â
âA little after eight-thirty,â I said innocently.
âAnd what time did we agree to begin?â Tony wondered aloud.
âEight-thirtyâŠbut traffic was heavy and it was raining and I thought I left in plenty of time,â I stumbled.
âYes, it was raining,â Tony easily agreed, âbut the rain didnât make you late. You see, Jeff, when you accept total responsibility, regardless of what happens or the conditions surrounding what happens, you make adjustments. When itâs raining, you leave earlier, or take a different route, or call and change the meeting time. You control if youâre on time or not. The rain just forces you to make different decisions.â
âIâll remember that,â I promised.
âOkay, letâs move on,â Tony said. âThe opposite of accepting responsibility is to find someone or something to blame when thereâs an issue or a crisis. Of course, there is always someone or something to blame, but a real leader spends his time fixing the problem instead of finding the right person to blame.
âMaking excuses rather than accepting responsibility for your actions will destroy your effectiveness as a leader,â Tony emphasized. âWhen you accepted your job, you were not chosen solely to fill a position on the organization chart, you were chosen to fill a responsibility. Nobody needs a leader to find excuses or to find others to blame for failuresâŠeveryone can do that on their own.
âWhen you place blame, you focus on the past. When you accept responsibility, you focus on this time forwardâon the futureâŠand Jeff, until you accept total responsibilityâno matter whatâyou wonât be able to put plans in place to accomplish your goals.â
Tony gave me a little time to think that over. It was a big concept but definitely one I needed to wrap my arms around.
âOne of the first thing...