KING UBU Characters
PA UBU
MA UBU
DOGPILE
GOOD KING WENCESLAS
QUEEN ROSAMOND
PRINCE WILLY
PRINCE SILLY
PRINCE BILLIKINS
BIG BAD BERNIE
WALLOP
McCLUB
FAST FREDDIE
NORBERT NURDLE
TSAR ALEXIS OF ALL THE RUSSKIES
NICK NACKERLEY
GENERAL CUSTARD
MAJOR F. FORT
BEAR
Barmpots, bankers, cashhounds, chaps, citizens, clerks, councillors, flunkeys, ghosts, guards, judges, messengers, nobs, partisans, seafarers, soldiers, turnkeys.
Act One
1 PA UBU, MA UBU.
PA UBU. Shikt.
MA UBU. Pa Ubu, language.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu. I’ll bash your head in.
MA UBU. Not my head, Pa Ubu. Someone else’s.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, what d’you mean?
MA UBU. Come on, Pa Ubu. You like what you are?
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, girl, of course I like it. Shikt, who wouldn’t? Captain of the Guard, Eye and Ear of Good King Wenceslas, Past President of the Battalions of Baloney, Thane of Four-door. What more d’you want?
MA UBU. You’re joking. Thane of Four-door, you used to be. Now who follows you? Fifty sausage-knotters in procession. Forget Four-door. Get your loaf measured for the crown of Baloney.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, what are you on about?
MA UBU. As if you didn’t know.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways. Good King Wenceslas is still alive, for starters. And even if he wasn’t, he’s got a million kids.
MA UBU. So, do in the lot of them. Take over.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu, or it’s jug for you.
MA UBU. Idiot! If I’m in jug, who’ll patch your pants?
PA UBU. So let ’em see my bum.
MA UBU. No: plant it on a throne. Just think of it. A pile of cash, big as you like. Bangers for breakfast. A golden coach.
PA UBU. If I was king, I’d have a big hat. Like that one I had in Four-door, till those bastards nicked it.
MA UBU. And a brolly. And a cloak so long that it brushed the floor.
PA UBU. I can’t resist. Shickastick, if I catch him on his own, he’s for it.
MA UBU. At last, Pa Ubu. A proper man at last.
PA UBU. Just a minute. I’m Captain of the Guard. Murder Good King Wenceslas? His Maj of Baloney? I’d rather die.
MA UBU (aside). Shikt. (aloud) You want to be Daddy Mouse forever? Poor Daddy Mouse?
PA UBU. Blubberit, stagger me sideways, I’d rather be poor, honest Daddy Mouse than Big Fat Cat that Nicked the Cream.
MA UBU. What about the brolly? The cloak? The great big hat?
PA UBU. What about them, Ma Ubu?
He goes, slamming the door.
MA UBU. Snikt, what a tight-arse. Never mind. Slipalipt, I’m loosening him. With God’s good help, not to mention mine, I’ll be Queen of Baloney by Saturday.
2 Room in PA UBU’s house, with a table set for a feast. PA UBU, MA UBU.
MA UBU. Well, they’re late. Our guests.
PA UBU. Yes. Stagger me sideways, I’m starving. Ma Ubu, you look really ugly today. Because we’ve got company?
MA UBU (shrugging). Shikt.
PA UBU (grabbing a roast chicken). Dagit, I’m hungry. I’ll get stuck into this. Chicken, right? Snot bad.
MA UBU. Put that down. Leave something for the guests.
PA UBU. There’s plenty. I won’t touch another thing. Look out the window, Ma Ubu. See if our guests are here.
MA UBU (going to the window). No sign of them.
PA UBU snatches his chance and snitches a slice of meat.
Here they are. Captain Dogpile and his Barmpots. Pa Ubu, what are you eating?
PA UBU. Nothing. Collops.
MA UBU. Collops. Collops. Dagnagit, put them down!
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, I’ll dot you one.
The door opens.
3 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE, BARMPOTS.
MA UBU. Good evening, gents. So naice to see you. Do sit down.
DOGPILE. Ma Ubu, good evening. Where’s Pa Ubu?
PA UBU. Here! Godnagit, stagger me sideways, I’m not that small.
DOGPILE. Good evening, Pa Ubu. Lads, siddown.
All sit.
PA UBU. Pff ! Any bigger, I’d have smashed the chair.
DOGPILE. Oi, Ma Ubu, what’s for dinner?
MA UBU. I’ll tell you.
PA UBU. I like this part.
MA UBU. Baloney soup. Calfcollops. Chicken. Pâté de dog. Turkey bum. Charlotte Russe.
PA UBU. That’s enough. Snurk! More?
MA UBU (continuing). Ice cream, lettuce, apples, hotpot, tartyfarts, cauliflower shikt.
PA UBU. Dagnagit, I’m paying for this. What d’you take me for, a bank?
MA UBU. Ignore him. He’s barmy.
PA UBU. I’ll barm your bum.
MA UBU. Shut up, Pa Ubu. Eat your burger.
PA UBU. Burger me, it’s bad.
DOGPILE. Bleah, it’s horrible.
MA UBU. Nagnancies, what d’you want?
PA UBU (striking his forehead). Got it! Hang on. I won’t be long.
Exit.
MA UBU. Nah, gents, collops.
DOGPILE. Very nice. All gone.
MA UBU. Some turkeybum?
DOGPILE. Fantastic. Great! Up Ma Ubu.
ALL. Up Ma Ubu.
PA UBU returns, carrying a disgusting brush.
PA UBU. What about three cheers for Pa Ubu?
He pokes the brush at the guests.
MA UBU. Idiot, what are you doing?
PA UBU. It’s lovely. Taste it, taste it.
Several of them taste and die, poisoned.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, pass the tartyfarts. I’ll hand them round.
MA UBU. Here.
PA UBU. Out, out, the lot of you. Captain Dogpile, I want a word.
THE OTHERS. Hey! We haven’t finished.
PA UBU. Oh yes you have. Out, out! Dogpile, sit.
No one moves.
Still here? Stagger me sideways, where are those tartyfarts? I’ll see to you.
He starts hurling tartyfarts.
ALL. Erg! Foo! Aagh!
PA UBU. Shikt, shikt, shikt. D’you get it? Out!
ALL. Bastard! Swine!
PA UBU. They’ve gone. What a lousy dinner. Dogpile, walkies.
Exeunt.
4 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE.
PA UBU. Here, Dogpile. Diddums like oo dindins?
DOGPILE. Lovely. All but the shikt.
PA UBU. The shikt was great.
MA UBU. Shickun son goo. That’s French.
PA UBU. Captain Dogpile, I’m going to make you Lord de Lawdy.
DOGPILE. Pardon, Pa Ubu? I thought you were skint.
PA UBU. In a day or two, with your help, I’ll be King of Baloney.
DOGPILE. You’re going to kill Good King Wenceslas?
PA UBU. Aren’t you the clever one?
DOGPILE. If you’re doing for Good King Wenceslas, count me in. I’m his mortal enemy. Me and my Barmpots.
PA UBU (falli...