Ubu

Full Text and Introduction (NHB Drama Classics)

Alfred Jarry

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781780012681
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

The NHB Drama Classics series presents the world's greatest plays in affordable, highly readable editions for students, actors and theatregoers. The hallmarks of the series are accessible introductions (focussing on the play's theatrical and historical background, together with an author biography, key dates and suggestions for further reading) and the complete text, uncluttered with footnotes. The translations, by leading experts in the field, are accurate and above all actable. The editions of English-language plays include a glossary of unusual words and phrases to aid understanding.

This Drama Classics edition of Ubu contains three plays following the adventures of Pa and Ma Ubu in their absurd world: King Ubu, Cuckold Ubu and Slave Ubu. It is translated and introduced by Kenneth McLeish, the most widely respected and prolific translator of drama in Britain.

KING UBU

Characters

PA UBU

MA UBU

DOGPILE

GOOD KING WENCESLAS

QUEEN ROSAMOND

PRINCE WILLY

PRINCE SILLY

PRINCE BILLIKINS

BIG BAD BERNIE

WALLOP

McCLUB

FAST FREDDIE

NORBERT NURDLE

TSAR ALEXIS OF ALL THE RUSSKIES

NICK NACKERLEY

GENERAL CUSTARD

MAJOR F. FORT

BEAR

Barmpots, bankers, cashhounds, chaps, citizens, clerks, councillors, flunkeys, ghosts, guards, judges, messengers, nobs, partisans, seafarers, soldiers, turnkeys.

Act One

1 PA UBU, MA UBU.

PA UBU. Shikt.

MA UBU. Pa Ubu, language.

PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu. I’ll bash your head in.

MA UBU. Not my head, Pa Ubu. Someone else’s.

PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, what d’you mean?

MA UBU. Come on, Pa Ubu. You like what you are?

PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, girl, of course I like it. Shikt, who wouldn’t? Captain of the Guard, Eye and Ear of Good King Wenceslas, Past President of the Battalions of Baloney, Thane of Four-door. What more d’you want?

MA UBU. You’re joking. Thane of Four-door, you used to be. Now who follows you? Fifty sausage-knotters in procession. Forget Four-door. Get your loaf measured for the crown of Baloney.

PA UBU. Ma Ubu, what are you on about?

MA UBU. As if you didn’t know.

PA UBU. Stagger me sideways. Good King Wenceslas is still alive, for starters. And even if he wasn’t, he’s got a million kids.

MA UBU. So, do in the lot of them. Take over.

PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu, or it’s jug for you.

MA UBU. Idiot! If I’m in jug, who’ll patch your pants?

PA UBU. So let ’em see my bum.

MA UBU. No: plant it on a throne. Just think of it. A pile of cash, big as you like. Bangers for breakfast. A golden coach.

PA UBU. If I was king, I’d have a big hat. Like that one I had in Four-door, till those bastards nicked it.

MA UBU. And a brolly. And a cloak so long that it brushed the floor.

PA UBU. I can’t resist. Shickastick, if I catch him on his own, he’s for it.

MA UBU. At last, Pa Ubu. A proper man at last.

PA UBU. Just a minute. I’m Captain of the Guard. Murder Good King Wenceslas? His Maj of Baloney? I’d rather die.

MA UBU (aside). Shikt. (aloud) You want to be Daddy Mouse forever? Poor Daddy Mouse?

PA UBU. Blubberit, stagger me sideways, I’d rather be poor, honest Daddy Mouse than Big Fat Cat that Nicked the Cream.

MA UBU. What about the brolly? The cloak? The great big hat?

PA UBU. What about them, Ma Ubu?

He goes, slamming the door.

MA UBU. Snikt, what a tight-arse. Never mind. Slipalipt, I’m loosening him. With God’s good help, not to mention mine, I’ll be Queen of Baloney by Saturday.

2 Room in PA UBU’s house, with a table set for a feast. PA UBU, MA UBU.

MA UBU. Well, they’re late. Our guests.

PA UBU. Yes. Stagger me sideways, I’m starving. Ma Ubu, you look really ugly today. Because we’ve got company?

MA UBU (shrugging). Shikt.

PA UBU (grabbing a roast chicken). Dagit, I’m hungry. I’ll get stuck into this. Chicken, right? Snot bad.

MA UBU. Put that down. Leave something for the guests.

PA UBU. There’s plenty. I won’t touch another thing. Look out the window, Ma Ubu. See if our guests are here.

MA UBU (going to the window). No sign of them.

PA UBU snatches his chance and snitches a slice of meat.

Here they are. Captain Dogpile and his Barmpots. Pa Ubu, what are you eating?

PA UBU. Nothing. Collops.

MA UBU. Collops. Collops. Dagnagit, put them down!

PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, I’ll dot you one.

The door opens.

3 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE, BARMPOTS.

MA UBU. Good evening, gents. So naice to see you. Do sit down.

DOGPILE. Ma Ubu, good evening. Where’s Pa Ubu?

PA UBU. Here! Godnagit, stagger me sideways, I’m not that small.

DOGPILE. Good evening, Pa Ubu. Lads, siddown.

All sit.

PA UBU. Pff ! Any bigger, I’d have smashed the chair.

DOGPILE. Oi, Ma Ubu, what’s for dinner?

MA UBU. I’ll tell you.

PA UBU. I like this part.

MA UBU. Baloney soup. Calfcollops. Chicken. Pâté de dog. Turkey bum. Charlotte Russe.

PA UBU. That’s enough. Snurk! More?

MA UBU (continuing). Ice cream, lettuce, apples, hotpot, tartyfarts, cauliflower shikt.

PA UBU. Dagnagit, I’m paying for this. What d’you take me for, a bank?

MA UBU. Ignore him. He’s barmy.

PA UBU. I’ll barm your bum.

MA UBU. Shut up, Pa Ubu. Eat your burger.

PA UBU. Burger me, it’s bad.

DOGPILE. Bleah, it’s horrible.

MA UBU. Nagnancies, what d’you want?

PA UBU (striking his forehead). Got it! Hang on. I won’t be long.

Exit.

MA UBU. Nah, gents, collops.

DOGPILE. Very nice. All gone.

MA UBU. Some turkeybum?

DOGPILE. Fantastic. Great! Up Ma Ubu.

ALL. Up Ma Ubu.

PA UBU returns, carrying a disgusting brush.

PA UBU. What about three cheers for Pa Ubu?

He pokes the brush at the guests.

MA UBU. Idiot, what are you doing?

PA UBU. It’s lovely. Taste it, taste it.

Several of them taste and die, poisoned.

PA UBU. Ma Ubu, pass the tartyfarts. I’ll hand them round.

MA UBU. Here.

PA UBU. Out, out, the lot of you. Captain Dogpile, I want a word.

THE OTHERS. Hey! We haven’t finished.

PA UBU. Oh yes you have. Out, out! Dogpile, sit.

No one moves.

Still here? Stagger me sideways, where are those tartyfarts? I’ll see to you.

He starts hurling tartyfarts.

ALL. Erg! Foo! Aagh!

PA UBU. Shikt, shikt, shikt. D’you get it? Out!

ALL. Bastard! Swine!

PA UBU. They’ve gone. What a lousy dinner. Dogpile, walkies.

Exeunt.

4 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE.

PA UBU. Here, Dogpile. Diddums like oo dindins?

DOGPILE. Lovely. All but the shikt.

PA UBU. The shikt was great.

MA UBU. Shickun son goo. That’s French.

PA UBU. Captain Dogpile, I’m going to make you Lord de Lawdy.

DOGPILE. Pardon, Pa Ubu? I thought you were skint.

PA UBU. In a day or two, with your help, I’ll be King of Baloney.

DOGPILE. You’re going to kill Good King Wenceslas?

PA UBU. Aren’t you the clever one?

DOGPILE. If you’re doing for Good King Wenceslas, count me in. I’m his mortal enemy. Me and my Barmpots.

PA UBU (falli...