KING UBU Characters
PA UBU
MA UBU
DOGPILE
GOOD KING WENCESLAS
QUEEN ROSAMOND
PRINCE WILLY
PRINCE SILLY
PRINCE BILLIKINS
BIG BAD BERNIE
WALLOP
McCLUB
FAST FREDDIE
NORBERT NURDLE
TSAR ALEXIS OF ALL THE RUSSKIES
NICK NACKERLEY
GENERAL CUSTARD
MAJOR F. FORT
BEAR
Barmpots, bankers, cashhounds, chaps, citizens, clerks, councillors, flunkeys, ghosts, guards, judges, messengers, nobs, partisans, seafarers, soldiers, turnkeys.
Act One
1 PA UBU, MA UBU.
PA UBU. Shikt.
MA UBU. Pa Ubu, language.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu. Iâll bash your head in.
MA UBU. Not my head, Pa Ubu. Someone elseâs.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, what dâyou mean?
MA UBU. Come on, Pa Ubu. You like what you are?
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, girl, of course I like it. Shikt, who wouldnât? Captain of the Guard, Eye and Ear of Good King Wenceslas, Past President of the Battalions of Baloney, Thane of Four-door. What more dâyou want?
MA UBU. Youâre joking. Thane of Four-door, you used to be. Now who follows you? Fifty sausage-knotters in procession. Forget Four-door. Get your loaf measured for the crown of Baloney.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, what are you on about?
MA UBU. As if you didnât know.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways. Good King Wenceslas is still alive, for starters. And even if he wasnât, heâs got a million kids.
MA UBU. So, do in the lot of them. Take over.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu, or itâs jug for you.
MA UBU. Idiot! If Iâm in jug, whoâll patch your pants?
PA UBU. So let âem see my bum.
MA UBU. No: plant it on a throne. Just think of it. A pile of cash, big as you like. Bangers for breakfast. A golden coach.
PA UBU. If I was king, Iâd have a big hat. Like that one I had in Four-door, till those bastards nicked it.
MA UBU. And a brolly. And a cloak so long that it brushed the floor.
PA UBU. I canât resist. Shickastick, if I catch him on his own, heâs for it.
MA UBU. At last, Pa Ubu. A proper man at last.
PA UBU. Just a minute. Iâm Captain of the Guard. Murder Good King Wenceslas? His Maj of Baloney? Iâd rather die.
MA UBU (aside). Shikt. (aloud) You want to be Daddy Mouse forever? Poor Daddy Mouse?
PA UBU. Blubberit, stagger me sideways, Iâd rather be poor, honest Daddy Mouse than Big Fat Cat that Nicked the Cream.
MA UBU. What about the brolly? The cloak? The great big hat?
PA UBU. What about them, Ma Ubu?
He goes, slamming the door.
MA UBU. Snikt, what a tight-arse. Never mind. Slipalipt, Iâm loosening him. With Godâs good help, not to mention mine, Iâll be Queen of Baloney by Saturday.
2 Room in PA UBUâs house, with a table set for a feast. PA UBU, MA UBU.
MA UBU. Well, theyâre late. Our guests.
PA UBU. Yes. Stagger me sideways, Iâm starving. Ma Ubu, you look really ugly today. Because weâve got company?
MA UBU (shrugging). Shikt.
PA UBU (grabbing a roast chicken). Dagit, Iâm hungry. Iâll get stuck into this. Chicken, right? Snot bad.
MA UBU. Put that down. Leave something for the guests.
PA UBU. Thereâs plenty. I wonât touch another thing. Look out the window, Ma Ubu. See if our guests are here.
MA UBU (going to the window). No sign of them.
PA UBU snatches his chance and snitches a slice of meat.
Here they are. Captain Dogpile and his Barmpots. Pa Ubu, what are you eating?
PA UBU. Nothing. Collops.
MA UBU. Collops. Collops. Dagnagit, put them down!
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, Iâll dot you one.
The door opens.
3 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE, BARMPOTS.
MA UBU. Good evening, gents. So naice to see you. Do sit down.
DOGPILE. Ma Ubu, good evening. Whereâs Pa Ubu?
PA UBU. Here! Godnagit, stagger me sideways, Iâm not that small.
DOGPILE. Good evening, Pa Ubu. Lads, siddown.
All sit.
PA UBU. Pff ! Any bigger, Iâd have smashed the chair.
DOGPILE. Oi, Ma Ubu, whatâs for dinner?
MA UBU. Iâll tell you.
PA UBU. I like this part.
MA UBU. Baloney soup. Calfcollops. Chicken. Pùté de dog. Turkey bum. Charlotte Russe.
PA UBU. Thatâs enough. Snurk! More?
MA UBU (continuing). Ice cream, lettuce, apples, hotpot, tartyfarts, cauliflower shikt.
PA UBU. Dagnagit, Iâm paying for this. What dâyou take me for, a bank?
MA UBU. Ignore him. Heâs barmy.
PA UBU. Iâll barm your bum.
MA UBU. Shut up, Pa Ubu. Eat your burger.
PA UBU. Burger me, itâs bad.
DOGPILE. Bleah, itâs horrible.
MA UBU. Nagnancies, what dâyou want?
PA UBU (striking his forehead). Got it! Hang on. I wonât be long.
Exit.
MA UBU. Nah, gents, collops.
DOGPILE. Very nice. All gone.
MA UBU. Some turkeybum?
DOGPILE. Fantastic. Great! Up Ma Ubu.
ALL. Up Ma Ubu.
PA UBU returns, carrying a disgusting brush.
PA UBU. What about three cheers for Pa Ubu?
He pokes the brush at the guests.
MA UBU. Idiot, what are you doing?
PA UBU. Itâs lovely. Taste it, taste it.
Several of them taste and die, poisoned.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, pass the tartyfarts. Iâll hand them round.
MA UBU. Here.
PA UBU. Out, out, the lot of you. Captain Dogpile, I want a word.
THE OTHERS. Hey! We havenât finished.
PA UBU. Oh yes you have. Out, out! Dogpile, sit.
No one moves.
Still here? Stagger me sideways, where are those tartyfarts? Iâll see to you.
He starts hurling tartyfarts.
ALL. Erg! Foo! Aagh!
PA UBU. Shikt, shikt, shikt. Dâyou get it? Out!
ALL. Bastard! Swine!
PA UBU. Theyâve gone. What a lousy dinner. Dogpile, walkies.
Exeunt.
4 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE.
PA UBU. Here, Dogpile. Diddums like oo dindins?
DOGPILE. Lovely. All but the shikt.
PA UBU. The shikt was great.
MA UBU. Shickun son goo. Thatâs French.
PA UBU. Captain Dogpile, Iâm going to make you Lord de Lawdy.
DOGPILE. Pardon, Pa Ubu? I thought you were skint.
PA UBU. In a day or two, with your help, Iâll be King of Baloney.
DOGPILE. Youâre going to kill Good King Wenceslas?
PA UBU. Arenât you the clever one?
DOGPILE. If youâre doing for Good King Wenceslas, count me in. Iâm his mortal enemy. Me and my Barmpots.
PA UBU (falli...