Dealing with Difficult Parents

Todd Whitaker

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781138432666
• eBook ISBN: 9781317382515
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

Communicating with parents is one of the most challenging and potentially stressful tasks that teachers face on a daily basis. Whether trying to resolve a heated argument or delivering bad news, it is essential to know how to handle difficult situations and establish positive relationships with your students' parents. In this updated second edition of the bestselling Dealing with Difficult Parents, award-winning educators Todd Whitaker and Douglas J. Fiore help you develop a repertoire of tools and skills for comfortable and effective interaction with parents.

The book's features include:

• Tools to help you understand parents' motivations and how to work with them rather than against them;
• Detailed scripts for dealing with even the most stubborn and volatile parents;
• New strategies for increasing parent involvement to foster student success;
• An all-new chapter on the role that social media can play in interacting with parents; and
• A new chapter on initiating contact with parents to build positive credibility.

This must-read book will equip you with the skills you need to expertly navigate even the most challenging encounters with parents, and walk away feeling that you have made a positive and meaningful impact.

1 Dealing with Difficult Parents An Overview

DOI: 10.4324/9781315675558-1

There are many tasks that we educators have to deal with, but there may not be any that send shivers down our spines as much as dealing with a difficult parent. Being yelled at, intimidated, threatened, or just flat-out being treated rudely are things that teachers, principals, superintendents, and everyone in education dreads having to face. And in some ways, the possibility that these things will happen, and our ability to get ourselves worked up that these things might happen, all add to the burden that we face because of difficult parents.

Additionally, having to deliver bad news to good and positive parents is no fun. Is there some way that we can do these things more effectively? Are there specific techniques and approaches that we can utilize and rely on during our most heated situations? That is the purpose of this book.

In Part I, we attempt to help you understand why parents are the way they are. Although there may be different influences and circumstances today, we also explore similarities between today’s parents and those of previous generations. In Part II, we provide tools to help you refine your parent interaction skills so you can become more effective in communicating with all parents. You may already be using some of these tools, but hopefully there will be many that you can add to your bag of tricks.

Parts III and IV provide specific language to help you deal effectively with the most troubling scenarios. Dialogue is provided to help you deal with the most difficult parents and work effectively with parents in the most challenging of situations. “What if the parent is right?,” “The power of the apology,” “Delivering bad news,” and “Dealing with the ‘F’ word—Fair” are just a few of the situations that are described in specific detail. We examine the power of car sales clerks and learn how to use their persuasive approaches to our advantage in working with the families of our students.

We also provide a section on increasing parent involvement. Traditionally, we think of involved parents as those who join the PTA or volunteer to make cookies. Both of those things are important, but how children can most benefit is by their parents being involved at home. We take a dual focus by centering on parent involvement at school and parent involvement with their children at home.

The Importance of Parents

There are a couple of items that we need to clarify in this book. The first is that when we use the word parent, we are being very inclusive. Rather than repeatedly saying parent/guardian or parent/grandparent or parent/adult, we rely on using the simplest approach possible—parent. We are also very sensitive to the fact that when we send home mass mailings, back-to-school night invitations, or information about an upcoming field trip, we need to be very careful with the specific way we word the salutation. We cannot flippantly use the word parent when the information is being addressed to the many different family makeups in which our students reside.

However, we also do not apologize for using that term in this book. It reminds me of how I use the word teacher when I address cooks, custodians, secretaries, bus drivers, and the like, when doing speaking engagements around the country. I always explain that if children and students see us working, then we are teachers. One way or the other, if they can observe our behavior, then we are teachers. After all, if we do not model what we teach, then we are teaching something else. Similarly, the use of the word parent is for the ease of the readers, who can use the appropriate terms in their contacts with the families of their students.

What’s the Deal with Today’s Parents?

The other bias that we want to share at this point is that we feel that parents are parents, and they are not really that much different than they have ever been. Parents still want what is best for their children. Now, just as 50 years ago, there will always be some parents who have no idea what is best for their children or how to provide it, but they still want it. As a matter of fact, the parents we struggle with the most now are probably the grandchildren of the parents that were most challenging 50 years ago!

If we look at any point in history, there have always been belligerent and uncooperative parents. And realistically, those parents have always been the ones that we spend the most time dealing with, mainly because they often have the most uncooperative and challenging children. We do believe, though, that while people are still people and parents are still parents, many environmental factors have changed dramatically. The number of single-parent homes, mothers working full time, and broken homes of all types, have all been factors that have impacted families and therefore schools. We discuss these influences at length in the next two chapters. We also believe, though, that as adults we have to accept responsibility for our own behavior. If being a single parent was the cause of delinquent children, then every child from a single-parent home would be a delinquent, and we know this is not true at all. Additionally, regardless of societal influences, there is still no excuse for parents being rude or disrespectful to the professionals who are working with their children.

Yet, regardless of the cause and effect, the impact that some problem parents have on educators is not in dispute, and it is something that we must work with on a regular basis. In a school where I was principal, the faculty and staff used to have a belief about the role of parents and their impact on the way their children turn out. We particularly liked to use this in the spring of the year when we were worn out and had less than ideal patience toward some of our students. When things seemed most challenging in working with a particular student or students, we would remind ourselves of this: If you have any students that you just cannot tolerate any more, you feel like your patience bucket has run out, you can barely stand the thought of them walking into your classrooms tomorrow, there is one thing that you can do. There is one simple thing you can do that will give you a whole new perspective on that child, and that is—meet their parents.

It is amazing, but once we meet their parents and become aware of their family situation, our view of the student often changes dramatically. All of a sudden, we think, “That child turned out pretty good. I thought he/she was the problem of the family, but instead it looks like he/she is probably the golden child.”

This sort of became a mantra for us late in the year when we were tired and our tolerance levels were not nearly as great as they needed to be for us to be effective. We would think, “I can hardly stand thinking about Billy Edwards coming in the class anymore. I guess I’d better have a conference with his parents. After that, instead of dreading him, my empathy toward him will be greatly improved. Instead of resenting him, I’ll wish I could take him home.”

This view was so helpful for us. And you need to know, we do not believe in ever generalizing in a negative manner regarding parents. As a matter of fact, we think understanding them is a critical part of our philosophy and a foundation of this book.

We Are Doing the Best We Know How

It is essential to understand that around 90-plus percent of parents do a pretty good job raising their children. If we think about our schools, usually only about 5 percent of the students are a real struggle. Though all students have strengths and potential areas of growth, for the most part, parents do a pretty darn good job. However, 100 percent of parents do the best they know how. We have to understand that many of their role models did not provide them the examples and structures they need to be effective parents. Oftentimes, we compare our most troubling parents’ reactions to the way our own parents would have reacted or the way the other parents in our neighborhood would have reacted. And to be truthful, if you have a positive family structure, many parents do react in that exact same manner today. However, this book is about the most difficult and challenging parents that we work with and the most perplexing situations. We have already figured out how to deal with the easy ones; anybody can do that. What takes so much of our time, worry, and energy, is the 5 percent of the parents that we often have to deal with the most. It is important to keep a positive perspective regarding the students we work with and equally important to keep that productive focus when we think of and work with their parents. After all, they are the best parents that our students have.

Also, consistently remind yourself that we need to maintain a positive focus. One of the struggles we face is when we have back-to-school night or parent-teacher conferences and the turnout is less than we had hoped for. Regardless, we should realize that the people who do attend are our most important people, and we should not give in to the temptation to let the lack of attendance ruin our night for those who showed up. If only 10 percent of the parents are there, then make sure those 10 percent feel so special that they will not only come back in the future, but they will even spread the positive word to others.

Though we have to work with some less than pleasant individuals at times, we need to focus and make sure that we do not give them the power to ruin things for the people who do show up. In this book, we provide several specific ideas for increasing the turnout at these types of events, but we also need to remember that the most important people are always the ones who are there and we have to make them feel valued.

Dealing with Yourself

Dealing with difficult parents first requires that you deal with yourself. There are few absolutes in education. Generally, every rule has an exception and no matter how consistent we attempt to be, there are times when we have to vary from our plan. However, there are a few things that we need to be resolute about. Those things involve our own actions and approach.

The best advice I ever received was, “You do not have to prove who is in charge; everybody knows who is in charge.” This is so true in schools. Think about the best teachers in your school (besides yourself, that is). How often do they have to prove “who is in charge” in their classroom? Almost never. Now, think about the least effective classroom managers in your school. How often do they try to prove who is in charge? Most likely, several times every hour! As a result, there are 25 students in each of their classrooms trying to prove them wrong. This same idea applies in working with challenging parents.

We never argue, yell, use sarcasm, or behave unprofessionally. The key word to focus on in that sentence is never. Understand that there are several reasons why we never behave in these ways. One of them is that in every situation there needs to be at least one adult and the only person you can rely on is you. Also, one of our beliefs is you never argue with difficult people. Not only because you cannot win, which is true, but also because they have a lot more practice arguing than you do. Don’t they spend a great deal of time in arguments in every aspect of their life? The people we are most likely to get in an argument with probably just spent 20 minutes arguing with the checkout clerk at the grocery store. They argue at home, are confrontational at work, and probably have a great number of interactions of this manner on a regular basis.

Another reason is a core belief of ours. We never argue with an idiot. The primary reason is because anybody watching will think that there is at least one idiot arguing. And we do not have faith that they can tell which one of us the idiot really is.

Realize that we control how many arguments we get in. We also determine how often we yell or the frequency with which we use sarcasm. There is another, maybe more critical, reason we do not ever use these behaviors, and it is a much more important reason. A basic philosophy we have in the classroom is to never yell at students. Part of this is because it is not how we should ever treat anyone, much less the young people we work with. However, a second reason is that the students we are most tempted to yell at have probably been treated like that for much of their lives. We need to teach them a new way to interact, not just polish their inappropriate skills.

The same thing applies to parents. If we believe they are doing the best they know how, then one of our missions should be to help them to improve. We believe we have a responsibility as educators to consistently model appropriate behaviors for everyone that we come in contact with. And our personal view is that it needs to be 100 percent of the time. That is, we need to do it 10 days out of 10, not just nine out of 10. If you question this, then just ask yourself two questions. “How many days out of 10 do I expect the students in my classroom and school to behave themselves?” and “How many days out of 10 do I hope that parents treat me with respect and dignity?” If the answer to these questions is 10 days out of 10, then we must ensure that we behave professionally in an equal number of days ourselves.

Though we sprinkle this book with reminders of behaving in a sincere and professional manner, please keep in mind how essential it is that we always maintain that high level of respect in our actions toward the parents that we work with. If we do not, then we are most likely creating even more problems and turmoil for ourselves.

An example would be if we ever responded to a parent who is rude to us on the phone by hanging up on them. Though the original focus of the conversation may have been on the improper behavior of their son or daughter, once they complain about us hanging up on them, the focus often shifts to our own improper behavior. We want to make sure that we do not add fuel to the fire by ever behaving in an inappropriate manner.

But I Don’t Want to Go to the Dentist!

Very few people race to the dentist and hope they have some significant work that needs to be done. By the same token, few among us want to deal with difficult parents. Please keep in mind that nobody wants to work with your most challenging families. This is especially true of those that are rude and offensive in the way they treat you. Please be aware that the most effective educators do not want to deal with these offensive people either. They just do. There is not a difference in desire between more and less effective educators; there is a difference in action.

That is why we focus an entire chapter on positive communication with parents. Making that first contact positive can go a long way in establishing the relations we want and building the credibility we hope to achieve. But the other reason we promote positive contact so much is that if we do not initiate positive contact with parents, then often the majority of the contact will be negative. Not only do the positive efforts on our part help build a bond between school and home, but they can also help build our own confidence in working with parents.

We are very excited about this book and hope that you find many tools that will be useful to you as you work with the parents and families of the young people that you have been entrusted with.

Part I Today’s Parents

2 Who Are These Guys? Describing Today’s Parents

DOI: 10.4324/9781315675558-2

Everybody is concerned with making our schools the best they can possibly be. We all want high-quality education for our children, and we collectively concern ourselves with any and all issues related to school improvement. Because of this, the many variables that affect school improvement all matter, and we all must strive to understand and manipulate these variables somewhat for our children’s advantage. Highly important among these variables are parents. The involvement of parents in the education of their children is of unquestionable significance. Studies consistently indicate that student achievement increases as parents become more involved in their children’s education (Hill & Craft, 2003; Gonzalez-DeHass, Willems, & Holbein, 2005). Therefore, it would seem that caring, committed educators would do everything within their control to increase parent involvement in schools, thereby enriching the total school experience for the children they serve. After all, who among us would intentionally fail to do what is in the best interests of the students in our schools?

The involvement of parents in the education of their children is of unquestionable significance. Studies consistently indicate that student achievement in...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• About the Authors
• Preface
• Introduction to the Second Edition
• 1 Dealing with Difficult Parents: An Overview
• Part I: Today’s Parents
• Part II: Communicating with Parents
• Part III: Soothing the Savage Beast
• Part IV: Dealing with Parents in Difficult Situations
• Part V: Increasing Parent Involvement
• Parting Thoughts
• References